Lived Experience Forum

[justsomeone]

Hi,

This is my first post here. I'm just not sure who else to ask for advice. I'm experiencing some grief at the moment that is pretty intense and I'm not sure if this is normal or if it's turning into a more serious depression that is unhelpful in the healing process. Here's a little bit of backstory:

- Five months ago I lost my father to cancer.

- One month ago my partner of 6.5 years broke up with me for another woman. We live together and I moved to Australia to be with him. All of my family and most of my close friends still live in my home country.

- Three weeks ago I lost my job due to pandemic lockdowns and have no source of income. I've applied for Centrelink but am still waiting to be approved. I can't afford to move out of the tiny studio apartment I share with my (now ex) partner. I have friends that have offered thier couch, but I feel that would be too much of a burden to live on someone's couch for the potentially 6+ months of lockdown before I am allowed to work again. Not to mention the lack of personal space or privacy for that long would be unbearable.

- Two weeks ago my (now ex) partner went to go stay at his parents' holiday house because I wasn't coping well with being around him 24/7 (he's been working from home and our studio apartment is made up of a single room). I initailly felt much better finally having some privacy and personal space. But the last week I have basically been bursting into tears and been inconsolable for most of every day. I have lost interest in communicating with friends or family and am too embarassed to ask for support because I hate crying in front of other people. I can't focus or do anything productive, and am barely taking care of myself (not really cooking or cleaning or exercising). I'm worried this feeling may last forever. And I can't just distract myself with work or visiting friends like I normally would. I can't even go outside without fear of getting a fine I can't afford for not having a valid excuse for leaving my home.

I'm just wondering if this seems normal given my circumstances? Should I just ride this out and hope it ends soon, or is this going to turn into a long unhelpful depression if I don't seek professional help? I've signed up for a mental health plan with my doctor, but I still can't afford the cost of therapy even with the subsidy (it's still about $50 per session).

Any advice would be appreciated.

[Zoe7]

It might be worth asking if the psych sessions can be bulk billed because of your current situation @justsomeone There are some extra measures put in place because of the current situation and they may even wave the extra fee because you are out of work currently. It certainly seems like you need that support right now from what you have described so there is no harm in asking for it. 

[greenpea]

@justsomeone  Hey justsomeone and welcome to the forums. After all you have recently been through I would say it was perfectly normal to be feeling more than a bit depressed but as @Zoe7  says if you feel it is more then you should get it checked out . Some psychologists work within the BOMH packages which give you say 8-10 free sessions you might like to check those out with your gp. I think you are doing incredibly well considering all that you have been through so stay strong and know that you have a community here who listen and care. Love greenpeax

[CheerBear]

Hi @justsomeone and welcome to the forum. Sorry to hear that you're having a hard time at the moment. There is so much loss and change for you. It's pretty understandable that you'd be finding it difficult. The situation at the moment seems to be making life really hard for so many and interrupting processes like grief and loss and the usual ways we'd usually cope. Things like not being able to distract yourself or spend time with friends, not being able to get out of the house, not having work to go to (not to mention the additional concerns of having no income etc) make it so much harder. Are your friends and family aware of what you're going though at the moment?

Even if it is normal to be going through this, it could help to seek some additional support. We all need that sometimes. It's great that you've seen a doctor though really difficult if therapy is not affordable. The gap fee sucks 

I wonder if it could be helpful to connect with a free service, even just while you're working out what to do. Talking with someone from somewhere like the Sane Help Centre  or the Coronavirus Mental Wellbeing Support Service might help.

Keep reaching out and talking @justsomeone . It's hard to do sometimes but worth it (I think anyway). 

[Owlunar]

Hi @justsomeone 

Your father died 5 months ago and you lost your partnership and your job recently and your family is overseas - this is a severe grief situation and I think you really do need some help with this - it's a lot to lose in a short space of time and 5 months since your Dad died isn't long at all - all of this takes time and so many parts of our normal lives are cut off from us atm - it's hard anyway - so much harder when you have such a heavy grief load.

So I am glad you have reached out here - and welcome to the forum - it's good that you have found us

Right now you can't be evicted from your studio apartment and it might be a good idea to see if your medicare plan can be extended to bulk billing - the Prime Minister has extended financial help to people suffering depression etc at this time so contact your therapist to see if this can happen for you - or ask your GP for advice

You have been though a lot in a short space of time and no one likes crying in front of someone else - why this is I really don't know - but I really feel for you crying alone in a small space you can't leave right now

Grief is hard to understand until someone has been there - many people here have and we understand - it all takes time to get over and grief is for anything we lose - and you have lost not just your Dad but your partner and your job and contacts as well as your family

I'm glad you have found us and please keep posting

Dec

[Jo-anneJoy]

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@justsomeone wrote:

Hi,

Here's a little bit of backstory:

- Five months ago I lost my father to cancer.

............. I moved to Australia to be with him. All of my family and most of my close friends still live in my home country.

Any advice would be appreciated.

My sincere condolences on the passing of your father after, what I would think, would have been a prolonged, frustrating and gruelling experience for the whole family as he went through the stages of treatment, ever hope filled for the coveted NED (no evidence of disease).  It is traumatic and traumatising; PTSD does develop and is

well discussed in oncology forums.

Am I correct in understanding that your dad received his diagnosis after you had followed your man to Australia and that it was not possible or feasible for you to keep going back home for visits?

My suggestion would be that you contact a grief counsellor who is recommended by any of the cancer foundations or seek out online forums that are specific and have a

designated thread for caregivers and family of loved ones with cancer.

So....basically while your father's condition was worsening and you were receiving news from home that was distressing, your partner had already become involved with another woman and had withdrawn his emotional availability to support and comfort you.

There would be a lot of healthy rage in there and finding outlets to discharge the intensity would be best practice for you right now.  Move your body, buy an el cheapo dinner set and have a smashing good time.  You might enjoy browsing through the blog and listening to the podcasts at baggagereclaim.com

It is early days in your bereavement and you are exiled through distance from the cycles of adjustment and grieving that your family are observing.

I recommend having a chat to the very helpful ladies at WIRE Women's Information, they have online chat for pragmatic solutions to your living circumstances.

This is normal @justsomeone   lean into it and take care of your heart and allow your remembrances of the time you shared with dad guide you through the seasons of grief.  Trust the process.  We all get a ride on this pony with losing parents and becoming the elder generation. 

[Jenn4]

Hey @justsomeone .

You can definitely go for a walk outside. Excerise is allowed 🙂 

@Zoe7 's suggestion of looking into how you can get proffessional help for free, or less than $50 in light of ur job loss is a good one, definitely. Governement is good for funding things. 

Proffessional help is good. Friends and family are good for heaps and heaps but experts are experts in their fields. It makes sense to seek expert advice when you're not able to solve a problem by yourself or with the help of friends and family. Seeking help is wise and shouldn't be done only when things get really grim.

If a friend offers you a spare room at their place I reckon take it. You wouldn't be a burden, that's what friends are for. You can buy food and offer to pay a share of power. 

Talk to your friends and famiy via message then they won't know you're crying if you do (which is okay). And great you've found the forums.

This won't last forever, and it's a good call to be looking at proffessional help early on. 

Much love my friend,

Jenn