Lived Experience Forum

[Rhen]

Im writing this post and I don't mean to trigger anyone but to give a indication of where I am at mentally I have to put down some of the events that have occurred in my life in the last few years. 

About 4 years ago I started going through a really difficult time as 3 major events occurred in quick succession . My mum had a heart attack and almost died, my relationship of 12 years broke down and then my grandfather died .

I didn't know it at the time but I failed to have the mental resources to cope with what was happening and I had a type of breakdown , it felt like something in my brain cracked . I was a mess and my children suffered for it. I went from keeping a nice home to hoarding,  I went from enjoying taking my kids out and about to keeping us at home all the time. I changed from a loving,  consistent and sensitive mother into a emotionally distant,  haphazard parody of myself. My children suffered because I was unable to cope with how I was feeling. 

Things came to a head when I got really sick with a kidney infection that became sepsis and I ended up in hospital.  A worker from the school was brought into help care for my children while I was in hospital for 6 days. The condition of my home was a disgrace and child services was called in. So less then a week after I got out of hospital I had welfare arrive at my home to speak to me about the situation.  During the interview I was accused of 2 things that I knew were definitely not true, firstly that I was an alcoholic  ( I don't drink at all) and that I was violent with my children when I was supposedly drunk! As I have never been an alcoholic and Ive never been in any way shape or form violent with my children I was horrified and I let the workers know in no uncertain terms that they were wrong.  This was my biggest mistake because less then a week later I had one of the workers show up with the police and after being told that my 5 year old daughter had been removed from school they were there to collect my 3 year old daughter.  At that moment it was like all the oxygen had been sucked out of my lungs and all the colours in the world were suddenly dimmed. I disassociated from myself in that moment and went on autopilot.  I went and got my daughter and told her she was going to go for a sleepover with her big sister and it was going to be fun and that her sister would look after her and I would see her soon and that I love her very much and then I put her hand in the workers hand and she was so excited.  I didn't want her to be afraid ( because I had experienced this type of event myself as a child and I'd been terrified and I didn't want her to be afraid ). I was told that I would have a chance to put a case forward with a judge the next day at 10am and I should get a lawyer by then (it was 2:30 in the afternoon ) I held myself together until everyone was gone and then I started screaming . The pain was so intense I lost myself for hours .

[Turquoise]

Hey there @Rhen,

First off thank you so much for sharing your story. It can really help to just put our thoughts in writting sometimes and let everything out.

It sounds like you went through a really tough time, i am sorry to hear about your grandfathers passing, mum's heart attack scare and breakdown of your relationship. I think that most people in your situation would have reacted in a very similar way, that is a lot to cope with for anyone. 

It seems as though you handled your daughter being taken from child services as gently as possible, with her best intrest at heart. I can see that your children are extremly important to you, and you care for them very much.

How are you doing now ?

I hope you find the forums helpful.

All the best,

[Rhen]

@Turquoise my apologies I should have stated in my post that I was unable to write the rest of what happened as my hands started shaking too much to keep typing.  

[Appleblossom]

Hello @Rhen

Your post was about a very powerful experience and resonates with me on a number of different and contradictory levels.

I can imagine only a little how it felt to even type it.

I hope you are better today and hope you find the forum useful.

Ahem ... child services ... ahem ... I have had many different experiences ... ahem.

Sorry you were accused of being an alcoholic.  I was accused of it instead of grief and serious physical issues by a piano colleague once.  

Listening ...

Apple

[Rhen]

To continue with what occurred.  I didn't manage to get a lawyer for court the next day and a order was put in place for 6 weeks that allowed child services to investigate their case and I wasnt allowed to see my daughters for 5 weeks. I cant say I handled it well at all , I was so confused and scared for my girls , I had no idea where they were , what they may be experiencing , how they were feeling. I cried nearly all day everyday and I'd wake up from nightmares and find my pillow drenched with tears. 

Then I was allowed to see my daughters in a controlled setting.  I wish I could say that all went well but it didn't.  I was able to hold myself together long enough to see my girls mainly because I didn't want to upset them in any way.  Things seemed to go alright but then I was interviewed by the child psychologists and that was it. I went from keeping calm to rage to crying to laughing to anger to frustration and back again. I was asked alot of questions that triggered emotions I couldn't control . I became more and more overwhelmed and confused the more they pressed and I had to walk out in the end. 

It was these 2 young women,  these child psychologists that diagnosed me with BPD . I was stuck with an incorrect label.