Lived Experience Forum

[26aqua]

@SJT63 

First, sorry for such a delay on reply. I tried 3 times to reply the day after and was interuppted and lost what I had written. 

Secondly, I can completely understand why the first apology didn't smooth things over, a generalised I'm sorry doesn't cut it.

I often find I am constantly apologising for my behaviours, actions and yet I still feel invalidated or unheard. I feel sometimes my s/o is so fed up, he simply doesn't have the energy to listen to me.

Which makes it even harder. I'm trying my best to communicate my feelings and thoughts, so they are open and I feel I get smacked down for doing that. 

The other day my s/o had invited me to his, I was supposed to finish fairly early and could have made it work. But running late from work and it all felt too hard. My s/o heard my anxiety and suggested I call back after I work out what I wanted to do. I called back and suggested we do the visit on the weekend when I had more time, it allowed me to get things done that were needed and he was planning to come down that night anyway.

We agreed. We had a plan. 

But then, later I called, around the time he wanted to be headed my way and it went unanswered. It was nearly 9pm when he called and he said he had to shower, pack a bag and then would come down. An hours drive plus time to shower, I allowed 2 hours. I was still awake not long before 11pm, expecting his arrival. I'd had no communication from him since we spoke. 

I woke at 12.15am, he was here. I asked when he got in, said maybe 30mins. 

I was pissed. I was sad. I didn't want to talk. It was 12.15am. I still had work the following day. He got all uppity because I didn't want to cuddle or chat at 12.15am! He woke late for work, I woke him when I woke up and he was questioning alarms, I set mine, he didn't set his. 

I couldn't get back to sleep, although I had nearly an hr before I had to get up. I spent the time trying my best to communicate what I was feeling and why, I wrote out, reread, rewrote, deleted swearing, and made sure i was communicating effectively.

I got back a 'watch your attitude'.

I tried to let it go, I went on with work, my plans for the day with the kids and got home. He was sitting on my bed, I started telling him about our outing at the beach and before I even got to what had happened I was berated with "do you know how f dangerous it is, with 2 kids who can't swim.....".

I stopped. I didn't want to finish telling him. He kept insisting I tell him the story. So, begrudgingly I did. At the end I also asked "do you think I am dumb?" 

"Do you think I am not capable as a person, let alone a mother who knows her kids cant swim, go to the beach and make an assessment of the kind of swim, day we are having?" 

I got shot down. He said "stop, let's not talk". 

Now I am supposed to be all happy and just let shit go because he is here spending time with us. His precious time. If I was to tell him to leave, I'm biggest bitch because he cleaned the yard and did all the mowing and I'm ungrateful because he did that for me, not first asking what my plans for the weekend were. 

But now, as I write this, he has decided to go home. I said ok. Am I supposed to fight him and say stay... no, because right now I am pissed he wont acknowledge my feelings, he wont listen to why I'm feeling this way. He never apologises for his words or actions, but I'm expected to be remorseful and apologetic, yet my feelings don't get acknowledged. Why I'm upset is my problem - not his. I feel this is completely undermining and invalidating. 

So, I do understand, a half arse apology or I don't know what went wrong or the lack of acknowledgement - doesn't cut it. 

It goes two ways and clearly you are doing your best, to communicate, acknowledge and place boundaries. 

I need to figure out my boundaries and get them in place. Because even though, this afternoon could have ended up with me losing my shit, yelling and screaming, it still is a failure, he left without acknowledging anything, making me feel less again. 

My head is wanting to destroy, destruct and throw shit around, my body is aching to do these things yet at the same time i feel so defeated, exhausted, alone - i can't be f!. 

I am pissed off. I am hurt it's always his way or no way.

I'm having a shitty day. 

X