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26aqua
Senior Contributor

Sour Milk!

The milk didn't turn sour, I turned sour over milk!

Why did it have to go sour today?

I had a bad sleep. S/o came over last night, we talked a bit. I explained some things I’ve been feeling and realising in the last couple of days. I think he is starting to understand some things, others still not at all. 

But this is where I learnt too, I can’t expect him to understand something, especially of my feelings, if I can’t understand it myself. 

 

So, he came over last night, it was a good night, we talked, and I listened. He started messing around the yard and it was after 8.30pm, I was tired and because of having my medication, I was having double the effects from standing and moving around. I went inside and ended up falling into a light sleep on the couch. He and kids came in about 9.30 and they had ice cream. S/o was going to watch tv, but I said I was ready for bed, I was feeling very heavy. He has a bad back and due to his activities outside, he was in some pain. So, we both had a very restless sleep. 

He woke about 5am and I woke soon after as he was going to sneak out, said he was going to leave a note for me, he didn’t want to wake me to say he was leaving in case I’d have a meltdown because he was going. I told him I would have had a meltdown if I woke up and he was gone.

We were talking and communicating, I was using words and telling him why I would have felt whatever - and he was able to give me his side, which in time will help me try to tell myself what’s happening instead of all the worst things that could.

He asked if I wanted to come up to his place, but I explained it being my only day off I had washing to do and organise a few other things - but I’d see how I went with time and how I was feeling, and we might come up for a visit. (he lives an hour away). I went back to sleep until nearly 8am. I woke up, I felt good, I knew his plans and I thought yep, I can get onto this washing and chores and have time for a visit, get home, have dinner and be ready to settle in for bed ready for an early morning with work. 

It didn’t go that way. 

Nope, instead I went to make a cup of tea or coffee, not even sure which one I was planning on having now and I opened the fridge and SFA milk!!! Like literally someone left a sip or so worth of milk in the 3L bottle I'd only opened the morning before!!!

Then, the washing machine had washing in it, wet stuff from one of my daughters with a bedwetting issue. But it was from the day before - she didn’t mention it to me the day before when I got home from work. She was told she could use it the day before because I was working. She does know how to use the machine and has done plenty of times before. But no, it was sitting in my freaking washing machine, stinking it the fuck up for 24 hrs! But she wets every night, so I still have another load to go - before I can do my own work clothes!

 

 MELTING DOWN - Sour over the freaking milk!

I started ranting at my daughter about the washing, I looked at her and realised the path I was heading. My other daughter got up and I started ranting about how she drinks all the freaking milk, and she is now banned. I feel it coursing through me, I know this is going sour quickly, the ranting, I know it’s not good, it’s not the way I should be dealing with these emotions. I know it’s going to get worse, because I’m stopping my ranting but now, I am forcing myself to STFU, I feel like no one cares about the freaking washing, the milk or how now it limited my time even more to go for a visit which would need at least 4-5 hours of my time not at home!

I tell them about these things all the time. Hygiene - sweetheart you need to get the washing done ASAP! Milk - sweetheart you need to tell me when the milk is getting low - we've had these conversations in the past, multiple times - why aren’t any of you listening?

Because I stopped myself from ranting it was then internalised. I was boiling over. It was running through me and I was going to explode. I slammed my door. I could feel I was getting violent and I needed it to stop. I went outside and had a coffee (with milk my daughter went and got) and smoked 3 cigarettes, I sent my s/o a text, telling him what was happening, so he knew I was dealing with overwhelming emotions. I told him I likely wouldn’t make it up, that if I committed to the drive it would send me in further down the rabbit hole. 

I told him the things I needed to do and would focus on. 

By 10 am I decided to shower, I was trying to focus on positive, so I dressed up a little, wore clothes I know my s/o would appreciate and see I was making an effort for him, I was thinking of him, nice and positive things about him. I went on with the chores I needed to do and decided to also bake something for s/o father who isn’t eating due to illness but can sometimes manage sweets. 

I got my girls involved too. I needed to give them positive of me again and take the focus off not getting the washing done or waking up to no milk! No freaking milk! Stinky arse washing machine! 2 hours of washing to go!

 

And I guess this current bad mood is because I thought s/o understand something, but he didn’t one bit at all. So now I have to communicate it - in a healthy way. Which when on the phone prior to this vent - I was too overwhelmed to do as such. 

It did go better than normal. We didn’t fight or argue.

 

I'd been communicating via text throughout the day of my fluctuating moods, keeping him in the loop. Told him I was baking for his father and was waiting to hear from him about bringing it up. 

I had managed to turn my day around and I was proud and felt good and wanted to share that small victory I thought I had had. 

But my texts had gone unanswered. I tried calling and it had gone unanswered. 

I couldn’t stop the negative thoughts. I couldn’t stop the "he doesn’t even give a shit". I couldn’t stop the "he doesn’t love me". 

So, by the time he called back, my mood was dark. He said he was sorry, he said he didn’t mean to make me feel that way and I was still terse, blunt, and laced with negative thought patterns, trying to shut him down. 

I told him what I was feeling and as he started to apologise, I told him not to, it wasn’t his fault I was feeling like that.

He tried to be funny; but he could hear it wasn’t working. He asked what he should do, and I told him I didn’t know. I told him I was feeling shitty because I didn’t hear from him. It wouldn’t matter at this point what he says because I would just have something to bite back about.

He asked about coming over and all the sudden it's all rushing again, like this morning. Coursing through my body. Wanting to build into a violent and chaotic being. I asked quite curtly if that meant he hadn’t already planned to come over later; I realise now, an hour and a half later he is probably scared to assume he could come over in case I was hating on him (his words for my bad emotions towards him). 

He knew some of what I was feeling yet he couldn’t change it, I told him it was better I got off the phone to him, because really, I could feel I was getting worse by each sentence he started, about shit I really didn’t give a crap about. But that wasn’t his fault. I was even telling myself he is just trying to distract. He is trying to change the focus here. It wasn’t working, then I start getting madder - with myself.

He is being nice, calm, and caring, trying to refocus my attention on something else knowing I can’t effectively communicate what’s happening. What my emotions are doing. What’s coursing through me.

Why can’t I let him help me refocus? Why do I allow the negative patterns to keep taking over? Why does it always taste like sour freaking milk!

I got off the phone to him, we said goodbye and talk later. I stomped around a few mins. Had a cigarette and finished a late arvo coffee. Then started writing. I feel better now. I’m not building anymore. I know why I got so upset at s/o but now I must communicate it. I have to tell him I was upset at being ignored. Or at least it felt like I was being ignored.

But how do we change that? How do I get him to realise not hearing from him sends me into chaos, how do we figure this out so I’m not always feeling chaotic and violent and rejected and taking it out on him? I’m sitting here, knowing everything he said on the phone was reasonable and yet at that moment I was not reasonably listening to him. I was not even remotely interested in any of his reasons for not seeing my texts or hearing my call.

I do feel much better now. I’m calm and content. I have spoken again with s/o and know the plans for our evening. I also know it’s a real possibility he won’t get to my house until later tonight, but we talked about it.

 

I spent nearly 2 and a half hours writing. It has helped immensely.

I managed to turn my sour arse around. The first time in a long time.

And yet, I don't know if I'll be able to do it again - why was I successful at turning it around today and other days the building keeps growing, the explosions keep coming? What did I do differently today? 

I set tasks! That is what I think I did differently, I set tasks and even told someone else the tasks I had. Accountability? Maybe that helped with the task setting, having told someone else my plans and carrying them out. 

 

Look, I know it's a long read, but anyone with any insight - please comment away!

 

This isn’t my full story; this is just my story of today. 

10 REPLIES 10
Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: Sour Milk!

Hi @26aqua 

Not sure how old kids are and all that,  I used to have a milk problem, where it dissappeared unpredictably.  I got UHT. so I would always have something in the house for my morning coffee.  Not the same as fresh, but I found it better than nothing, in coffee.  Knowing that drinking all the milk was better than drinking some of the rubbish that floats around in some people's fridges helped me manage my frustration.  Being able to pick which battles are im portant is not always easy.  Sounds as if you are in heavy duty parenting period, and doing the best you can.  Caring about accountability and noticing his efforts and needs.  No such thing as perfect parenting.  Perfect is pretty over rated and not really possible.

Take Care and Stay Safe.

SJT63
Senior Contributor

Re: Sour Milk!

@26aqua  you sound just like my s/o.

 

He has massive meltdown tantrums over which he has no control. He collapses under an avalanch of negative, destructive, intrusive thought that can be triggered by something as simple as not being able to remember where he put his phone and end up in a revenge fantasy about things people have done to him for the past 20 years.

 

It is exhausting and debilitating for me sometimes, and I'm just hearing it, so it must be truly awful to be feeling it from the inside.

 

I am so sorry your brain is forcing you to live like that when I know you don't want to.

 

Re milk and washing..... in my experience (my two kids and then 10 years later his two) you have to rant and scream and throw things for them to pay any attention whatsover and then when you finally explode after telling them the same thing for the eleventy-third time they are like "you could have just said so" and that makes it worse.

 

Parenting is hard yakka.

 

I write pages and pages and pages when I need to get things out and have always found journalling really good at both calming me down and helping me organise my thoughts - then I can work out what I'm really feeling.

 

One foot in front of the other, when we have the energy, is all anyone can do and it seems to me like you're doing pretty well.

 

More strength to you.

S x

 

 

Re: Sour Milk!

Hi @Former-Member 

Teenage girls, turning 13 and 15 this year. 

I did think of UHT milk, I'd have to hide it too, miss 13 loves UHT. 

Deep in the thick of parenting. I kinda wish I was doing it 20 years ago though - before social media and mobile phones were a norm for kids! I have strict rules, needless to say neither girl enjoys being the only one who doesn't have a phone or social media! I try to remind them if neither have, they aren't the "only" ones! 

I try to pick my battles, I find it hard to decide which is worth the fight when I feel I've got no fight in me. 

I know sleep plays a vital role for how my day starts, so that's something ive got to work on, trying to keep consistent and routine bedtime.

The medication I've been taking is helping slow me down in thoughts and my emotions aren't climbing as rapidly and that has meant I've been able to use other techniques and work out what helps or doesn't. I feel like I've been making progress in reflection and that's been helping understand why I'm getting upset And I'm still snapping but it's shorter lived. 

 

Take care and thanks! 

 

Re: Sour Milk!

@SJT63 thank you for sharing your perspective, I often wonder what my s/o must be feeling when I'm caught up in my 'episode's.

I totally get what your s/o goes through with the all the wrong doings over the last 20 years, it is exhausting and can be really hard to crawl out of that thought pattern. I've had family have to deal with my wrath over old wrong doings. 

I usually explode and it can last into several days of hatred, every thing my s/o says with care is perceived as malice. E.g., he could text and say "hey, how are you feeling today?" And I'd automatically take it as "hey, are you still a monster?" 

I know he is finding it exceptionally difficult, he doesn't talk to anyone about me because he doesn't want to tarnish what they might think of me, and so he tells me, which makes it really hard for me to not self loathe. I hear all these horrible things about me, things I already know and some that kind of shock me at times too and it keeps me in that negative circle of self hate, feeling shameful and rejected and finding it hard to understand why he'd then come back, stay through all of this. 

I take my hat off to you and my s/o, I know I'm not easy to live with at all and could only imagine how it must feel on your side. And losing something, I nearly ruined Xmas because I lost my smokes. Massive meltdown. 

Parenting teenage girls is by far the hardest yakka I've had yet! 

Journaling, writing, even this forum has been really helpful for me to reflect, and then look at strategies to help next time. 

I'm very thankful for your comment, and appreciate your kind and acknowledging words. 

Take care of you too,

X

Re: Sour Milk!

@26aqua 

 

he doesn't talk to anyone about me because he doesn't want to tarnish what they might think of me

 

That is the hardest thing. I can't tell my family what goes on behind closed doors because they would be around with police and amblances and would throw him out of my house if they only knew the half of it.

 

When I've spoken to professionals I have been advised to leave. My own physical health deteriorates as a result of all the stress and trauma. I can't talk to anyone any more because even neutral commentators give me advice that I don't feel I can take.

 

He woke me up in the middle of the night last night to rant about his ex-wife and I didn't take it with very good grace. I lost patience and wouldn't discuss it. Today I am a C and a B and was obviously a terrible parent to my own children because I have no empathy. 

 

Today I am thinking about leaving

 

 

Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: Sour Milk!

@SJT63 

Heart

 

@26aqua 

I believe there is extra and unnecessary pressure on parenting generally due to social media and personal gadgets.  The schools in my state have made the decision to ban them during school hours.  My physio is one smart lady and does not have a tv and only educational gadgets.  So it is a very slow social recognition of the problems caused by tek.  Its not just you.  Also the fragmentation of many families mean that the pressure seems intensified into each family system.  Which may be partly why there are more personalities who experience melt downs. I have been interested in psychosocial theory and attachment theory for a long time.

 

Teenage girls can be the hardest.  I did not survive that period in tact.  So no judgment.

Take Care All.

Re: Sour Milk!

Hi @SJT63 

I'm sorry you're feeling like you have to think about leaving - that itself is really hard to work through, but you need to take care for yourself as well. 

I'm not entirely sure of your situation with your s/o but sounds like maybe a bit of time and space may be helpful to work through your needs/wants.

 

Don't be hard on yourself for not taking to his rant, I would find that difficult in the middle of the night!

I wish I had something more helpful to say other than I'm sorry for what your going through. 

 

Does your s/o show genuine remorse for his behaviours? Is he working with a therapist through his issues? When I come crashing down, I feel too ashamed and embarrassed to talk about what I did or said and it's hard hearing how much I hurt my s/o. But I also know this isn't the way I want to be, I am taking steps to change these ways and seeking professional help - which I think shows my s/o I'm trying. 

 

Take care,

X

Re: Sour Milk!

@Former-Member I absolutely agree re the pressures of parenting in general because if social media and personal tech gadgets. 

It's excruitiating at times. I truly believe children do no have the maturity to handle the implications such things can have. 

I personally do not have time to monitor my girls on social media or devices. We had phones twice, supposed to have been a way to keep in regular contact with their father, but rules were broken. We have a home phone - which I think is completely acceptable. We can go lengthy periods without the tv going on too, at one stage we lived without tv for over a month - played card games, did activities outside - tv can be consuming. 

 

Psychology has always been an interest of mine, mainly due to growing up with my mother's MI's. 

 

I recently had a discussion about the need for free assessment/diagnosis and therapies for children. I truly believe early intervention in young lives would highly benefit MH sector and the outcomes of individuals and communities .

Imagine all the souls living with MI that stems from childhood getting help before their MI took over? Whether it's in regards to trauma or other medical conditions which in time impact the MH of child.

Learning from young ages strategies and techniques to aid in recovery - being taught when, where and how to get help! I think there is more our governing bodies could do to potentially decrease the impact of MI in our communities and it should start as early as possible. 

 

We still have so much to learn about our minds, I doubt we will ever truly know the full extent to which it is capable. 

 

Thanks for your comments, take care

X

Re: Sour Milk!

@26aqua 

 

Thanks for your support. I've calmed down again now.

 

He's called me names before, but this time was a little different as he brought up issues from my past that I struggle with and used them against me. He's never done that before. He honed on what he knew would hurt me deeply, just to be vindictive.

 

That was very new. Waking me up during the night is not  new and usually I cope, but I was very tired and angry about a couple of other things and I ran out of patience.

 

He is always very remorseful. He sees a psychiatrist and a psychologist and he is trying very hard. I chart his moods and I've been expecting a bad patch. Sometimes it's worse than others.

 

Usually I just get an "I'm sorry S" and that is the end of it but last night when I got home from work I still wasn't in the best place to forget it all because, as I said, he crossed a different line this time.

 

I journalled quite a bit about it yesterday and had pages printed to hand over before I left depending on how the evening played out. He is also on the spectrum and often doesn't understand the nuances of other people's emotions but sometimes it's an excuse he pulls out. He tried the "I don't understand what went wrong" approach but this time I told him.

 

I explained that I had not reacted appropriately during the night, but had apologised first thing in the morning. He had refused to accept my apology and then started deliberately looking for ways to hurt me, to exact revenge, and that he had been very successful. I told him I didn't need anyone else to remind me that I had been a bad mother to my children as it is on my mind almost every day. I went an hid in my room.

 

After about half an hour he came back, this time with a direct apology. He was sorry for saying deliberately hurtful things that were targeted to my weaknesses and that he would understand totally if I'd had enough. And that was that. We are ok again.

 

For me, it was about him recognising what had happened and me asserting myself to the degree of needing more than a blanket apology for losing control.

 

He always apologises afterwards - with me, his father and his children, which is why we are able to keep moving forward with him. Sometimes the "I'm so sorry I was out of line" is enough but this time I needed him to own more of his behaviour so that he could learn from it.

 

Ok Aqua, I am the significant other and it is very important to me for my partner to acknowedge when things have gotten out of hand.

 

You wrote When I come crashing down, I feel too ashamed and embarrassed to talk about what I did or said and it's hard hearing how much I hurt my s/o. 

 

I get that because I see how ashamed Mr S is. Mostly I don't go into details because that can sometimes shut him down too far, or give him too many serious negative thoughts. However, it does mean the world to me when he apologises because it validates my feelings about what happened. If he doesn't mention it and expects me to just bounce back as quickly as he does I either resent him or start doubting my own experience of the event.

 

Can I suggest that even if you can't talk about it with your partner, a text saying "I'm ok again now and I'm very sorry about what happened" will bolster their courage to stay strong in support of you.

 

regards

x

 

 

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