Lived Experience Forum

[girl99]

I've been going through a difficult time lately and feel let down by so many people.  I feel my friends have not been good friends to me and so I have started to distance myself from them. They don't really include me in things or make an effort and I get upset, so then I pull away and don't contact them much anymore.  This doesn't help my depression as I need to get out socially and I am quite a social person, but I'm sick of people not keeping up their end of the friendship. It seems to always be me who has to initiate things.

I also liked someone in a romantic way, but he said he only likes me now as a friend so that has hurt me too as I trusted him with personal information about myself.  I think maybe I expect too much from others but I give a lot too and I am a generous friend but others don't seem to give back in the way that I need them to.  I think I am very giving and caring but other people don't seem to be giving back towards me as they don't call or it is always me who arranges catchups or sends texts asking them how they are going. Why don't they ever call or ask how I am going?   I'm worried about making new friends because I just don't trust people anymore.  I feel let down by others.  Do others have trouble keeping friendships?  What do you do about it? At what stage do you start to trust and reveal personal information about yourself to other people?   Feeling sad about how selfish people are.

[Zoe7]

@girl99 I am probably not the best person to reply to your post as I have completely shut myself off from people and have not had any 'friends' for a very long time. I too felt alot like you do know - always the one initiating contact or get-togethers - and always feeling like the effort was not reciprocated. To a large extent I felt taken for granted alot and definitely not 'important' to anyone else. It never meant much when nice things were said to me - I certainly could not take them on board (my self-esteem issues) or promises were made - I truly believe that actions arebetter than words in these circumstances. I am, and have always been, a very private person (not a shock there I suppose with my history) - and if/when I choose to divulge anything about myself then it is usually in very general terms. I can relate a little to being hurt after thinking that you have found someone that you can connect with and then those feelings of self-doubt set in again.

Unlike you, I am not a sociable person (I used to be but 'circumstances' certainly changed that) but don't give up @girl99 - those people in your life that have not been good friends are the ones missing out! When you find someone (or a few people) that you truly connect with it is worth its weight in gold - I know this now because of the amazing people I have met hee on the forum - but I am 'too damaged' to attempt to make any of these connections in real life! My hope for you is that just around the corner is that one person or people that will truly see you for who you are and the connections you make will be mutually rewarding 

[girl99]

@Zoe7

thank you for your reply.  it means a lot.  It's so awful when you feel you have no friends in real life and then no one on here replies!  Thank you for your understanding Zoe. People can be cruel. I don't know if it's intentional or just thoughtlessness. I hope you regain the faith to meet people in real life - it's very hard when you feel let down by others    

😞

[Zoe7]

@girl99 I think that just like irl, on here sometimes we all get caught up in our own 'heads' and find it more difficult to participate/reply to new conversations. I know I certainly tend to stick with the people I have become closest to when I am not doing well - it is both self preservation and trying to stay connected as it becomes a dangerous place for me to be when I begin shutting everyone out.

People in society generally these days seem to have lost the ability to communicate effectively on a personal basis (that is my view anyway). I see it alot with the kids I teach - they cannot read body language or identify the 'tone' of a verbal conversation and will then respond inappropriately. We have so many children/parents 'complaining' about bullying in school but what we generally see is that these children just do not know how to communicate and/or have extremely low self-esteem and their defence mechanism is to 'attack' or put-down someone else to deflect their own insecurities. 

I suppose what I am trying to say is YES people can be cruel but often it is not intentional it is simply behaviour that is learnt subconsciously and often the person has no idea they have inadvertedly hurt someone else by their actions.

[AliceLuria]

You know, it's just my own story... It's been the same: I worried about my friends and they didn't. I also stopped communicating with them. But it doesn't mean that all people are like this. Life continues. I'm sure you'll find some new friends who will care about you. And don't regret anything.