Lived Experience Forum

[Sahara]

Hi everyone,

a few nights ago I had a dream in which I learnt my friend died. In the dream I was a bit surprised that she had died, but I wasn't sad about it, in fact I felt nothing much at all. She is relatively young and healthy - so I didn't expect she would go and die; that's all.

In the dream, I decide that I'll write a nice tribute to her on facebook. I don't even really feel like I want to do that much, but I know I have to be seen to do something socially acceptable, so that is what I decide I must do.

What a strange dream!! Me in super-uncaring mode!

In reality, my friend is perfectly fine. I have had a very long history of somewhat uncomfortable interactions with her that culminated in a tense argument over 10 years ago. Since then, we have not exactly been close, although we go through all the motions of being good to each other and sharing news of our private lives.  

Recently, I had the thought that I'm very glad she doesn't call me often, as I don't like the way she pumps me for advice and then rings off. The conversation seems quite one-sided, at times. 

Anyone else out there ever had a dream like this? Such a strange dream!!

[Former-Member]

One can only interpret ones own dreams oneself. Personally, I find that if I let some time elapse and then revisit the dream I have written down, it's meaning becomes quite clear in retrospect.

But MY take on YOUR dream is that your subconscious is illustrating your dual feelings about your friend. There is the private hidden thing. That you don't really feel connected to her even when she dies. And then the more 'appropriate' public face that you might prefer everybody (on Facebook) to see about you - that you will praise and eulogise her.

how fantastic that you are able to remember the dream with your conscious mind. Bring it to consciousness.

good luck.

[Sahara]

Thanks @Former-Member,

you are very insightful. In fact, one of the reasons I wrote about my dream here on Sane forums is so that I don't forget the dream and can easily come back to it and review it! 

Yes, you are so right! It is a friendship with two sides.... so odd that I keep persevering with it in its current form.

I feel social pressure to keep up with this friendship, as we have mutual friends who I fear might view me as very callous if I drop the friendship, as this friend has been going through a tough time (for the past 15 years!!) And yet I do not at all feel connected with her and do not show her my inner thoughts, even though we talk about very personal things. 

She herself is extremely perceptive and intuitive and often has good insights into people and their motivations..... so I often think it very unusual that she oesn't seem to see through me at all! She just accepts our one-sided, things-left-unsaid conversations as being 'normal' and satisfactory. 

Or perhaps because she is always going through such a tough time, she doesn't really have the energy to think about it. Which is probably more likely.

Thanks, @Former-Member.

[Lunar]

Hello @Sahara,

I agree with @Former-Member, that dreams reflect something in your subconscious and takes a few days of reflecting to find out what it meant, it is great the dream was so vivid that you can remember all of those details.

I have also read that death in a dream can be related to a fresh start or a new outlook on someone/something, not that you will loose them but perhaps a new insight to them or a change in dynamic. I guess we have to wait and see 🙂

[Sahara]

Thanks, @Lunar,

I did read something similar online, as well. I think there is a change in dynamic now between the friend and I. I know it's only a small thing, but I usually always send her a birthday card, even though she pretty much always forgets my birthday.

This year, I totally forgot to send her a card until it was way too late, as I was getting ready to go on holidays and had a lot to do.

So I just sent her a nice message through facebook. (which is better than nothing!) No card. No real effort.

Then it's funny how facebook appeared in my dream! Like its a bit symbolic of friends who are only 'friends' in the most casual use of the word.

[Appleblossom]

I have strange dreams too .. but went through a long period of not having any ... which was due to stress .. not medication and is finally over .. I am glad I remember a few dreams now .. I dont take the "visible" emotional content of dreams as a direct reflection of my self .. but look at the total of the dream .. and what it means for me ... I was influenced by Jung & Freud on Dreams in my 20s. 

I dont mean to labour the "work" theme .. lol .. or maybe I do ..

but its also called Dreamwork.

cheers @Sahara 

Hi, @Former-Member I agree .. good to meet you.

[Former-Member]

Good to meet you too @Appleblossomand @Sahara, @Lunar.

Hmmm. Seems to me like you are providing your friend with everything she wants from the relationship but you are not getting what you want from it - hoping for a deeper connection?

Maybe  it's not that you need to 'dump her' and face the disapproval of others (& yourself) for doing so, but that now you can let go of your image of how you would have liked the friendship to be - or maybe how it once was in the past, or even how your friend might have SAID they'd like it to be. Whatever. Maybe the friendship is way more important to you than it is to her and as it becomes less important to you, (forgetting birthdays etc) it's making you feel guilt or shame or some other uncomfortable thing because you are a loyal person with 'high relational investment'?

Let yourself off the hook my dear. If so. Friendships rise and fall like the tides, don't you think? It takes two to tango. All that. Congratulate yourself for being a good friend to her all these years and gently release your attachment to that friendship. It's not that you REALLY wouldn't care if she died! That was just a dream. If we have one or two really intimate friendships at any given time we are very lucky, don't you think?

As to Facebook. Well, my emotional life improved dramatically when I deleted my profile. Having grown up with small-town gossip and experienced the damage false malicious gossip can do, I personally find Facebook. Twitter and trolls just a bigger more dangerous version. I stupidly reached out on. Facebook when in crisis, and the further damage that was inflicted was immeasurable. I finally got it. THESE PEOPLE ARE NOT MY FRIENDS!! Ha ha ha ha. That's just me though. Trauma has turned me into a loner with 'trust issues'. That's life, eh?

The Buddhists say that worrying about what others think of us, being blamed, wrongly accused or our reputations is one of life's great sufferings. I certainly have found it so. And letting go of worrying about it is a new skill worth working on for me. Seems to happen naturally with the very old. They'll often say they don't care what others think or say about them anymore. Can't wait to get there!

[Former-Member]

Hi @Sahara

Usually when I have dreams like that which have intense emotions - it's thoughts/emotions surfacing from the subconscious that is unresolved. I would take a punt in saying there is still uncertainty and hurt feelings that haven't healed with the relationship of the woman in the dream. But then it may only have been a dream. Have a wonderful Christmas my friend 🎄💕

[Sahara]

Hi @Former-Member, @Former-Member, @Appleblossom,

thanks guys for taking the time to give such thoughtful replies! 

I agree with you @Former-Member, that we probably only can have a few emotionally intimate friendships at one time. Neither my friend nor I probably make much effort to be really frank with each other.... her due to being swamped and busy and exhausted and me due to fear of getting hurt again.

@Former-Member, yes, I would say that there is still some hurt there for me. I think the dream signals a change in this - that I am totally ready to let go of her and any hope that things may be how they once were. This is actually a good thing, as time does move on and I personally don't believe that we can relieve the past. There has been too much water under the bridge.

There is a lot of geographic distance between us, she is completely swamped with family obligations and whenever I see her, I believe her level of stress just makes me feel uncomfortable. Last time I saw her she was stressed out and we only got to chat for 10 minutes or so, before that, I think I hadn't seen her for a year.

@Appleblossom ; dreams are so interesting, aren't they? I can become a bit obsessed by them. There are a few nightmares that I had as a child (40 years ago!) that I still sometimes think about, because they were so powerful.  

And lately I have been dreaming a lot, I think because my mind is so free... I'm giving up alcohol and I no longer take meds for anything at all.

[Former-Member]

I find the events that occur 48hrs beforehand have a lot to do with my dreams, even things on TV, radio, internet etc And sometimes the dream is incomplete and will finish another one ime, sometimes a long time later 🙂 xox