04:20am. Very fragmented sleep, like I never got there really, start to go deeper, suddenly more awake again. The new antidepressants have possibly got something to do with this.
Worried about NDIS. Meeting tomorrow (today) with the support advocate who has secured an approval for me for the scheme. Tomorrow is to prepare for a 90 minute telephone interview with NDIS next week, at which they decide how much support they will give me, and what it will be for. I reckon this meeting today may go two hours.
Angry that I've had to repeat my story over and over at length to a number of different people already, further embedding my weaknesses in my mind.
The process has me feeling sad to have to admit to how 'disabled' I am, to myself above all. Mixed feelings about it all, in a few different lines of my thinking. Feeling weirder than usual. Really incapable, though I have done really good things in my life as well.
What a long way I've come from the promising talent and intelligence in my youth that many people wanted to encourage and help me grow into a real career. Earlier on I'd expected to have a successful career because of being an outstanding student before uni.
But even if I'd somehow been able to endure the frozen fear I felt in the university context to get a degree, I've since shown time and again and many times over that I cannot work and be paid for it, or only for very short amounts of time. Actually, not at all now.
Yet I work obsessively when it's a creative project I'm doing for the love of it, day and night, barely a thought for anything else, ridiculous hours, literally to the point of collapse.
So I am disabled enough to receive NDIS support. I know it will help me. It just makes me feel even more deeply defective than I already thought. Less in my power, less in dignity.
})
Emergency, police & ambulance (24 Hrs)
Connect with a lifeline crisis supporter (24 Hrs)
Suicide callback service (24 Hrs)
Kids helpline (24 Hrs)
13 YARN