Lived Experience Forum

[Tight-Control]

Wow , its been a while since I was on . Just went to a mental health conferance in Perth it was ok ..

I have a new granddaughter which is awesome ..

I have a grandaughter due in august which is a worry.

my middle daughter 17 18 at end of ausgust basically ran away form home and is due soon. he partner is 18/19 and has menatl illness . daughter has PTSD and depression possibly Borderline P as well..

She only contacts us when she wants cash as a parent I feel terrible guilt for not providing cash but I know there are drug issues where she is .

She dodsn't want to speak to me and we rally only get text occasionally . Like " I have no food and need $20 ", once was asked for $200 for a gas bottle and rent money . 2 days later we get a hear form a post on face book that she and her partner have had a huge fight over his drinking and pot use .  feel as though I am being manipulated by her . It is a terrible feeling inside like i am crying hot salt tears.

it is starting to take a toll on my own mental health ( long time Bi Polar well managed for many years.)

my and my wife are talking and supporting each other but are becoming emotionally worn out.

jst ned to blurt out to some folks who know how it feels ..this may belong on the carers forum but i where 2 hats ..

[utopia]

@Tight-Control. Thank you for posting here on the LE thread.
So much going on for you and your wife. I'm glad you are thinking about your mental health. That's the most important thing.
@Former-Member may have some advice with regard to your daughter.
I hope others with some experience with what you are going through, are able to respond here shortly.

[Former-Member]

Thanks for the tag @utopia Its been ages since we spoke - hope you are doing okay. Sorry that I had dropped out of the scene for awhile but my life has been too chaotic. Have to catch up where we left off soon.

@Tight-Control

I am going through a very similar situation to yourself and can totally relate. I also know how emotionally draining and heartbreaking this situation is. I won't go into details of my own here but my daughter was a run away, has been diagnosed with borderline personality, bi-polar and is on drugs. I so sympathise.

Firstly you are "doing exactly the right thing by not giving her money". She, like my daughter, would be wasting it all on drugs and to give them money would be to feed the habit and enable them. They will learn nothing. Our children have to learn the consequences of their actions or they won't change or grow into better adults.

And she is manipulating you as our daughter is us. What we have to do here is not to call this out or argue etc, but calmly say "sorry, we just don't have the money etc". Never give them what they want. This Will empower their manipulation - tough love is what is required here. They have to learn to be responsible, if we save them they never will. And will keep treating us poorly which isn't acceptable.

This situation is presently also taking its toll on mine and my husband's health. We are learning now to stand back and put the focus back on our own personal goals and happiness. We have to take a step back and let our daughter live her life and learn. This is extremely difficult for us as she lives with us which makes matters worse for us but this is what we have to do in order to protect and nurture our own health and lives. We are encouraging our daughter to move out as she also has sociopathic tendencies. I will say no more and the effects on our well being are horrific. 

Dont think you are selfish or cruel. By letting them go we are teaching them to stand up on their own two feet and become responsible for their own actions. We do have to take a step back with letting them know we won't help enable them, but at the same time when they make an attempt to change and better themselves, letting our children know we love them and we will be there for them.

 When your daughter tries to manipulate you again for money and/or emotionally blackmail - stick to your guns and don't falter. Here if you need to talk further.

[Lunar]

Hello @Tight-Control

That sounds extremely tough, so sorry to hear your concerns about your daughter, I can really see how hard that must be to only hear from her when she needs money, I think it is very brave of you to not give her money, but in the long run very helpful. Boundaries are so important, but not easy to do, so I am glad you are reaching out for online support right now.

And congratulations about the new granddaughter, that is wonderful 🙂

Is there any other way that you could get some extra support at the moment? Thinking of you,

Lunar