Lived Experience Forum

[Maggie]

A very interesting discussion @CheerBear. This has to be one of my major struggles. Compassion towards myself is an upside version of what I have been taught. I have heard it said it is selfish and so much more. I have come to terms intellectually with turning some around, but physically it's just not connecting. Reading through some responses, it's not easy for many, if any.

[Teej]

Hi @CheerBear, 

i am familiar with Kristen neffs self compassion work. I struggle immensely. I think I still think that self compassion is earned ie "I will allow self compassion when I’ve done something ok or achieved something". I know it’s not how it is supposed to work but for me it is still ingrained. 

Right now I’m struggling to think much but it is a good topic and much research has been done on. 

[Queenie]

Hey @CheerBear thank you for tagging me in this thread, I find I might be able to learn a thing or two from my peers by reading it and likewise participating in it.

Self-compassion was something I grew up sorely lacking. It didn't help that I was in a group of friends at school which revelled in self loathing. It was cool to hate yourself. I was a patient of child, youth mental health clinics in my teen years because my extremely low self esteem caused by this negative ruminating and also as a result of abuse at home. 

I've never actively participated in self-compassion. To this day I cannot look in the mirror and like what I see. I cannot give myself a break, to some extent I feel I am to blame for my predicament (my self hate) and somehow I deserve to be treated badly by others. I know in reality this isn't true but it is so ingrained within me. 

I'd really ike to be content and almost compassionate towards myself. There's a hurting little girl within me who needs love after all. Perhaps in time this will happen from within. 

[Shaz51]

Self-compassion for me @CheerBear is about being as kind to myself as I am to others and also to treat others how I want to be treated xo

[CheerBear]

Thanks so much to everyone who replied! So interesting to read through these posts this morning 

@Maggie and @Queenie - it seems like there are a few of us who recognise that early influences played a role in our ability to be self-compassionate (which ties in well with the discussion here about women's mental health and self esteem). From my understanding, it seems like an important part of self-compassion is to acknowlege our suffering and then allow ourselves to feel it as you mentioned @Zoe7 - another hard thing to do sometimes! It makes me wonder how many people were taught as children or young people to connect with feelings and then feel them (without getting carried away or lost in them). And how many people had those feelings truly recognised and validated by important people in their life, rather than dismissed, minimised or tried to be fixed/solved/dealt with. 

I think I was taught to be 'good' to myself by being rewarded when I was doing well or when I achieved something big (both 'well' and 'big' as deemed by others) and I think that's part of my struggle now. I'm sure it plays a role in the expectations I place on myself. @Teej you mentioned feeling like you need to earn your right to self-compassion which I can relate to. I question whether for me that's come about a lot through those early influences. I definitely wasn't taught how to be kind to myself when I wasn't traveling well, and versions of "get over it", "suck it up and move on" and "it could be worse" were pretty common themes for me growing up. It's very hard to challenge those deeply ingrained messages!

You raised an interesting point in mentioning self-love and narcissism @Appleblossom. I wonder if we've also linked being kind to ourselves as loving ourselves 'too' much, giving ourselves 'too' much of a break (if they are even things) and/or being selfish (as if that is a terrible thing to be), in a way.

Then theres the issue of how to actually "do" self-compassion. It seems like there are also a few of us who get it but struggle to connect with it. There are so many different ways we can be self-compassionate but actually believing it and really feeling it is another story for me. It all seems pretty great in theory but practice is a bit different I find. I also wonder if it's such a strange and unfamiliar concept to some of us that it's hard to even recognise when we are being self-compassionate, which I think you touched on @Sophia1. 

Looking over this reply I can see there is definitely some food for thought, which I really appreciate. Thanks again to those who shared their thoughts 

[Owlunar]

Hi @CheerBear@Shaz51@Queenie@Teej@Maggie etc

We do need to practise self-compassion - with the rest of the world throwing curved balls at us why do this to ourselves - we need to self-nuture and give ourselves time to grow - space to grow - encouragement - everything we would give to a small child starting school for example - a huge step away from mother into a world that is not always tolerant

It's a great topic and links into what I have started to write about Women's Mental Health Issues - I have borrowed a wonderful annual magazine on Well-Being and I will be starting to write on something called "Life Traps"- the things we say to ourselves - probably and echo of what has been said to us in the past - that w believe and Dr Phil says

"It takes 1,000 Atta-girls/Atta-boys to delete one negative comment we have had from our elders and supposedly betters"

We have a lot to so in reversing those comments - those voices from the past - 

We are worth more than comments that put us down - we need to nurture that small child within ourselvels

Dec

Great subject CheerBear

[Appleblossom]

Yes, @CheerBear as a mum, that felt a huge internal barrier to overcome to be able to be kind to ME.

Also having the right words for things has taken a while. 

I grew up with training and natural inclination to look out for others and think about their point of view.  I never knew the word "empath" apart from a sc-fi book and I really related to it.  Now many people call themselves empaths.  I still have not called myself that as it seemed .. to special and I was never special.  Yesterday in therpay my son called himself an epath and my jaw nearly dropped with suprise, but I know from his point of view he is trying to feel for the others in his life ...

SO my sciencey side often mislead people into thinking I had a dry, heady and non compassionate instinct, whereas it was the opposite... all through my life ... other people's issues have loomed large ... I can only help ... so much ...

[Shaz51]

hello @Appleblossom, @CheerBear , @Owlunar, @Queenie, @Teej

[frog]

Wow thanks @Shaz51 I love that!

Hi @CheerBear @Appleblossom @Owlunar @Queenie @Teej @MDT

Self compassion was really foreign to me as a kid, partly due to the brand of religion I grew up with. It's only since I've been seeing my current psychologist that I came to see it as legitimate. Meditation and mindfulness have helped me to step back and look at bad situations with more perspective, and accept that like everyone, I deserve compassion. My inner critic is still there, but now I can (sometimes) hear it without getting hooked. I also like the idea of putting your hand on your heart or cheek and wishing yourself well. May you be well, may you be peaceful, may you be happy, may you be free from harm 

[Shaz51]

hello my @frog