I've spent a couple of days pondering the hole I've been in and how miserable it has felt. I've been so thankful for those willing to sit with me in it and give me space to work it out
@Teej,
@Faith-and-Hope and others.
While I have been down here I've been thinking heaps about someone I care deeply for who is no longer around. It's a hurt that hasn't gone away and that really added to some fear I feel at times. That experience has been playing over and around in my mind lots and I feel terrible. I feel like I should have done more and I should have done what I did differently, but I also feel like my hands were tied and like it wouldn't have made a difference anyway. I feel like there is no difference I alone can make in a way. I hate all of those feelings.
Holes like the one I've been in are very layered and to me highlight the complexity of trauma. One thing isn't just one thing. It's built by years and years of 'stuff' and many past experiences of hurt, disappointment, fear, powerlessness, confusion, frustration, hopelessness... I don't know where to even start getting through it all sometimes.
I spoke with my psych about it and he sees and understands the layers. He, like others in my team, wants me to fight my way through those layers and use my experiences and my voice to stand up against some of the not great that adds layers rather than removes them. I need little encouragement to do this as it's always been a driving force for me anyway. It's why he suggested I write the submission for the royal commission which I want to do but am scared I'll throw myself in a whirlpool of messy memories. Tricky.
I had a bit of a lightbulb moment this morning and think my way out of this current hole is to see it as a little hole in a huge field of holes. Using my energy to get out of a little hole that I can't get out of on my own is useless and maybe I will be better off making my way around the hole and up through another. Instead of wallowing I can put this experience behind me and into the collection of a gazillion other not so good experiences that I can use as motivation to be part of change somewhere where people will actually listen to and hear me. I can keep going from here and move on from it, but I won't forget.
This is probably a vague and strange post and apologies if it is confusing. It doesn't feel safe to speak in any other way though and I hope that it's understood as my way of seeking needed support from people who understand.
Hope there is good in the day for all ❤
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