Lived Experience Forum

[Historylover]

What is your opinion, folks, because I'm bewildered.

How do we relate to people in a manner which doesn't mean we have to agree with everything they say - and vice-versa.  Deeper, meaningful relationships.  Relationships which develop - and are ongoing - especially in the real world. Relationships where we learn from each other and have open minds.  Respectful relationships.  Long-lasting relationships.  Mutually beneficial relationships.

I will not EVER talk about others behind their back and excuse myself from any group where that is done.  And it seems to be widespread.

'Friends' come and go for everyone, I think.  So what is the key to keeping friends?

Be agreeable?  Compromise our opinions?  

Be tactful, I hear you say.  No - that doesn't work either.  Because once we disagree a wall goes up.  So how do relationships work?

@Owlunar once asked: is any friend better than no friend - or is no friend better that any friend?  

I can't answer that.  Can you?

EDIT:  And regarding potential spouses - do (most) men only want women they can get sex from?  Is sex a condition of the relationship - rendering us their sexy side-kick and nothing more - but never commited to - because something with better advantages might come along soon?  And while the sex is available - who needs marriage?  

I've got a whole lot more going for me.  I'd like someone - including friends - who have the wit to find it.  To learn who I am - what I stand for - and against, what my values are.  

[WIP]

Very interesting post @Historylover 

I'm very keen to see what responses you get back, particularly  around

'Friends' come and go for everyone, I think.  So what is the key to keeping friends?

Be agreeable?  Compromise our opinions?

I don't have many friends, because im

mot sure on how to maintain healthy friendships

[Powderfinger]

@Historylover 

Great post. I will respond at some point. 

[Owlunar]

Hi @Historylover 

I spent a lot of time thinking about that question - of course it is a rhetorical question but still - it does need clarification - the question is - 

@Dec once asked: is any friend better than no friend - or is no friend better that any friend?  

And I don't know - I think there are many kinds of friends and we have people in our lives for different reasons and if they fit that reason then it's okay and if they don't - or time passes and things change - then we need too re-evaluate the situation if lines are crossed and that does happen

I met a women earlier in the year and I would have enjoyed her company for a long time but she crossed a line and innocently invaded my space in a way that I couldn't tolerate. What could I do about this? - we couldn't see each other because of the lock-down and eventually I wrote a note telling her I had too much happening in my personal life and after reading it a few times for the next couple of days I posted it and then blocked her phone number.

And no - I didn't feel good about this and who would? When it comes to the question of "no friend" or "any friend" I think it comes down to how comfortable we are regarding that relationship. I am a naturally friendly person and a good listener but I am also intensely private. I really think we need to be sensitive to our own needs and personality and draw a line when we feel invaded. I really believe in self-love, self-care and self-respect and these issues are paramount.

So - it depends on what we want for ourselves rather than what we want from other people. I feel comfortable in my own skin and quite like being alone. I also enjoy being with other people. I guess I am sometimes and extravert and sometimes and introvert and both personality types are natural for me and it's up to ourselves to work out what "friendship" means in what context and why. These issues are not at all easy to work out but we need to feel okay with people.

When it comes to people-pleasing - I am not into that - I will speak out when I have to - I don't always feel comfortable about doing that but I am okay having my opinion and okay about other people having theirs. If other people don't like my opinions I won't force them into changing theirs and I will listen but okay - people can think what they like and what they think of me is not my business. It's hard work finding friends and keeping them and so it's a big deal in life really - but we have to feel okay with people and if we don't then we need to move on and so do they

When it comes to men and sex it seems to me - thinking back through the years - many men seem to think that if someone is "female" and "there" then it's okay to want sex. Well - yes - they can want it but whether or not sex happens is up to the female. It has amazed me sometimes that men are disappointed when the woman is not interested. That's the way it is guys - women also have a mind and some of us have other things to think about.

I don't know if this helps @Historylover  - it might seems as if I am self-interested and actually - I think that's true. In my old age I have to be my own best friend because other people do tend to come and go. Some people spread themselves around with a lot of friends and family members in their circles and that's fine - other people live with few other people in their lives and seem to live more deeply and this is fine too.

At the bottom line - remember the title of that book so long ago now - I'm Okay - You're Okay  We all need to feel okay

Dec

Rules to live by - when a person is your friend you are there for them through thick and thin

[Historylover]

Thankyou @Owlunar for your, as always, well-considered reply. 

To sum up I would say that, as I manoever my way through new relationships, your rhetorical question repeats in my mind and it helps me to assess every new encounter and where it is going.

Different 'friends' for different purposes and to differing degrees?

As for speaking out - when I do present an opinion contrary to others -  or contrary to an anticipated, agreeable response, it seems to upset the apple-cart and that leaves me wondering what world they live in.  Are we all expected to just go along with others to be agreeable and imply, for instance, that no offence was taken? 

What are the rules when others can offer opinions contrary to that expected and yet, when I do, discomfort is evident?  It has nothing to do with delivery - just who is making it.  Why are some able to live by one set of rules and me by another?

A change to a group dynamic, perhaps?  Very likely.  Taking them out of their comfort zone.  New, uncharted territory.

I'd been learning to keep my mouth shut - but not my mind - but I don't think I should have to.  

I don't expect you to answer that question @Owlunar as it has me flummoxed and I'm working on it.  

Anyway, it was good to hear from you.  I hope you are well and well-rested after your recent break.  Happy New Year!

[Owlunar]

Happy New Year to you too @Historylover 

I just had a look at the forum before going to bed as I often do - and read your post of course

And now I am going to bed and to think up an answer to "People-Pleasing - whether to or not" and I am sure my mind will keep me entertained for quite a while

I know I went to church for years - decades - and went there to worship and put up with the people - some of whom were really great and others - less so - and some - way to the left -

I put up with the form to have the content - I put up with the shape of the thing to have what was in the box and I still believe in God - just not to keen on the church

After many years I had to speak out - and I am glad to this day that I did - but I upset an apple cart and the fall-out was amazing - 

I don't want to speak badly about people either - but then - events - we can talk about them for as long as we need to - 

But yes - I will see what I come up with tonight - watch this space

I enjoy having you here in the forum - I enjoy what you post - it certainly makes me think

Dec