Lived Experience Forum

[Lostinlife86]

Hi everyone,
I have never done anything like this before but I have searched for help & came across this.
My relationship with a man I love very dearly just ended a few days ago. Not ended by me. It has sadly been turbulent for a while now, probably 12 months or so. Both of us came with baggage, both depression/anxiety but he also has alcoholism pretty bad. Our fights ended up getting to the point where they would drag on for days because he became so unable to deal with them or emotionally stabilise himself so I ended up feeling tortured or punished dealing with ramifications for long periods of time.
His drinking was a major cause of our issues as I of course wanted the best for him so I always encouraged him to slow down or talked to him about options. He was semi open to it at first but became very resistant later in our relationship.. hense a lot of the fights. I only tried to help him but it just never happened. It got to the point where if I even mentioned his drinking it would turn into an all in brawl. He already had anger issues, but he became increasingly aggressive during the fights (he was drunk in most of them) and became very verbally abusive which has taken a toll on me slowly throughout our relationship. A lot of mean things have been said.. I’ve been called every single name a person could be called & of course all these fights & the demise of our relationship has been blamed on me. Things never got too physical although it got to the point where he would ‘move’ me out of his way if I was blocking him from going to the car & driving under the influence. And at one stage, I’ll admit, I had to use force on him to get him to calm down because his rages where beyond what words could express.
As I mentioned earlier, he ended things with me which has broken my heart & I am currently living at a friends house with 2 bags of my stuff (still need to collect the rest). I didn’t want the relationship to end, and I have tried every single thing to get him to try to work on it but it is clear that he isn’t interested.
All my friends & family are thankful it is over because they have been saying it has been emotionally & mentally absuvie for a long time (even though I didn’t see it).
It is so heartbreaking & hard to think that the man I love has thrown me away like trash & basically chosen a bottle over me. He literally even said that to me at one stage, to be mean.
I have had one phone call with him since it ended & it was a drunk one which ended up with me being hung up on.
I still love him so much & my life feels like it is just a complete mess & not where I wanted it to be.
It’s hard facing everything everyone is saying about our relationship & how abusive it is because thinking he was doing that to me & I accepted it hurts but it doesn’t make it easier.
I am very depressed at the moment & having major anxiety on & off. I have been to the doctor & they have increased my medication & given me something to sleep. But it’s hard not to think the really dark thoughts that come into my mind. I just don’t really know how to get through this. I feel like I have failed him. And I feel like I have failed myself. I put absolutely everything I have had into my relationship & lost myself along the one because I have been trying to keep him & me afloat for 4 years.
I would love any advice or if anyone could point me in the direction of any good info. Thank you so much for listening. Whoever is. X

[Ant7]

@Lostinlife86 hi and welcome. I think from what you have said you have tried everything possible and I believe sometimes it is just not possible to save a relationship.
It sounds like you are still in love and that makes the situation hard for you. From what I have read above it sounds like you may be better off with out him and I know that it probably doesn’t feel that way right now.
I think maybe a few weeks and things may seem better.
This is just my thoughts and I hope that they are of some help for you 😊

[Lostinlife86]

Hi @Ant7,
Thank you for replying.
Everyone is saying that I’m better off.. it’s hard to hear. And having people opening my eyes to what was actually happening in my relationship hurt aswell.
I forgot to mention that we were engaged & he has allowed me to plan 3 weddings all of which he made me cancel as basically a punishment for something I had done wrong or because of his anger after a fight. Doing that & being punished in that way has obviously really screwed with my head & how I feel about myself. I have no confidence left really at all.

[Ant7]

@Lostinlife86 I can understand how these things would be hard for you to hear I understand love is such a powerful emotion and it can throw out our judgment.
From what you have said it sounds like your partner is very controlling of you am I understanding you correctly?

[Lostinlife86]

He isn’t necessarily controlling but he became very emotionally abusive in the end. A lot of name calling, blaming me for things, anger, causing me mental hurt.
There was certain things I wasn’t allowed to talk about like his drinking or the wedding stuff... even though I would always slip up & then get in trouble.

[Ant7]

@Lostinlife86 I think you need a little time for you. Do you have any hobbies or interests you enjoy even something you haven’t done in a while?
It may help you to take your mind off of other things and it may help you by giving you some pleasure.
Just my thoughts though ❤️

[Lostinlife86]

I have been lost in this relationship for 4 years so I have always kind of based my activities around things we did together. I lost me along the way. I know I keep to find things like hobbies to keep myself on the straight & narrow. It’s so hard to shake these dark thoughts.. he has left me feeling worthless with nothing. I also just stepped down from a management position at my work to only being part time because I wanted to be home more & be a better ‘wife’ to him. So all this has happened at once.
I keep thinking of ways I could end it all.. and I hate that I am doing that & that I think that is an option but he has made me feel like I have nothing less. I’ve been stripped of everything.
@Ant7 thank you for talking to me & replyig it is actually really nice to get this off my chest I feel so alone 😢
Can’t believe someone I have loved so dearly, has chosen his alcohol over me.

[Ant7]

@Lostinlife86 I am happy to be here for you and listen I hope it is helps. Maybe this break in your relationship this may be a good time for you to find yourself again?
Again this is just my thoughts. I can tell from what you have said that you are hurting and I can totally understand how that feels.
Just know I am here for you when I can be and I hope that helps❤️

[Lostinlife86]

It helps a lot. Just having someone listen. I don’t feel so alone.

[Ant7]

@Lostinlife86 I am glad it is helping😊