Spouse with psychosis (and trying to keep things 'normal' for my kids)

[Lattepowered]

Hi everyone,

I'm reaching out because I am wondering if there are any fellow parents out there who live with a spouse who suffers psychosis/delusions?

My husband has had paranoid delusions and auditory hallucinations (mostly of strangers talking about him) for a year now. We have 3 little kids aged 6 and under, and while I try my utmost to keep them in a bubble from their dad's psychosis, it stresses me out so much if they are around when he starts the 'odd talk' about his delusions. He is convinced that 'they' are making up false allegations about him, trying to get him arrested on fake charges etc. He believes complete strangers are taking photos of him and even hears them talking about the big conspiracy to get him arrested. He also thinks our home is filled with spy cameras, bugs etc and that people in our building are watching us on live stream. It's exhausting, frustrating and quite frankly scary watching an otherwise smart, rational human so detached from reality.

I've already left once with the kids - we are a super close family and the kids adore their dad and he dotes on them too, so we only stayed away for a few days.

I've told him so many times things can't continue like this. He's agreed to see a counsellor (not any medical professional, too 'risky') but he never follows through. In the past week, he keeps stressing that he 'has to' resign from the job he loves because he thinks his work is in on the conspiracy to get him arrested.

I am at a loss for what to do, but I can't see my future like this! It's miserable

[MermaidHair]

Hey there @Lattepowered, welcome to the forums. I really love your user name by the way!

I'm sorry my only experience of this is being the child of the delusional parent, and being the delusional parent myself but I wanted to leave a comment of support.

Really the only way things will get better is if he gets help and receives support plus treatment. It sounds like the only two ways that can happen is if he decides to, or if things reach a crisis point and he is forced to. 

It's good that he has expressed some willingness to talk to a counsellor, you could encourage him to share some of his concerns (conspiracies and delusions), but frame it in a way so that he's getting help for his concerns. For example "being stalked and spied on is really scary, we should tell someone and see if they can help us". Could be worth a shot?

Have you got much of a support network for yourself or are you dealing with this mostly alone?

I'm sure there will be others here who've been in this position and can hopefully give you more advice 🙏

[Jynx]

Hey @Lattepowered welcome to the forums, glad to have you with us. I'm really sorry to hear of the struggles that you and your family are facing. From what I'm reading, it sounds like this is relatively new and so maybe your husband is not yet able to accept that he is unwell. This makes it really challenging to be able to plan ahead or set your expectations, as well as being really worrying for you.

It can be really hard when a loved one doesn't realise they're unwell! We can't necessarily force someone to be ready to accept that they are unwell, especially when it is an experience that is still so stigmatised. It is important though for you and your family to be safe, so if you're ever worried he might hurt himself or someone else, please call 000. If you're really concerned about him being disconnected from reality, you can always get in touch with your local Crisis and Assessment Team (varies state by state, more info here) to see whether they think he ought to be taken to in-patient/hospital care.

I would continue to encourage your husband to access support, whilst also perhaps drawing some boundaries of your own, in terms of what you are willing to tolerate. Your physical and psychological safety is just as important, as is that of your kids! You don't deserve to be alone in this either - do you have much in the way of therapeutic support for yourself?

Please know you're not alone. You can also always give our lovely counsellors a buzz (1800 187 263, Mon-Fri 10am-10pm) as they might be able to help you unpack your situation further.

Here for you 💜

[AuntJobiska]

It's hard... The mainstream response is obvious, but not the one I'd want... There are alternative ways of managing psychotic symptoms, but finding a practitioner who uses those strategies is hard, I know someone in my city but not knowing where you are... I think there's a Sotera network that has minimal drug approaches professionals in it, but how you connect up with it... Otherwise it is hard, as I have sympathy with your partner as the medical profession is risky, they (as in ED departments) tend to like to hospitalise people for assessment, which is the last thing 

• I'd want in his situation... The only help that is offered is drug based and there's minimal/no support services outside conventional services that are there to reinforce drug taking... Therapy does exist for residual psychotic symptoms... I wish there was a safe place for him to go but unless you can find a safe mental health nurse or psychiatrist who uses minimal drugs and is committed to managing people in the community, the reality is the mainstream services will be confronting... And could be disastrous. The public system is a nightmare. Hopefully you have private health insurance? Sorry I'm not much help, I work in the public mental health system and it's the last place I'd want a loved one to end up. 

[Lattepowered]

@MermaidHair thanks so much for your reply. Makes me feel less alone in this really overwhelming situation.

I think you're right, things will only change/improve if he gets help, but to be honest he's mostly really closed minded to getting help. He currently has no insight at all that his fears of mob stalking, phone hacking, spy cameras, food poisoning etc instigated by others is not real. He will have episodes where he's really stuck in his head about all his fears and wants to talk to me about it for like an hour at a time, in a really agitated/stressy way, but I've hit burnout point where my nervous system is really overloaded from a year of being his only person to vent to (his dad doesn't answer his calls now). The typical pattern now is that he'll talk at me (about how it's urgent we see a lawyer, why don't I believe him etc) despite me saying I've had enough of the topic, he needs help etc. Lately I've been reduced to tears, I say I want to leave with the kids because it's too much, then he apologises and promises not to talk about it any more. It lasts a week at best, then the cycle starts again. Siiiiigh

Yes he did agree to see a counsellor after one of our recent disagreements, but now he's saying he doesn't want to be 'press ganged' into it, and he thinks I should see a lawyer first to 'prove' he is under police investigation, before he bothers with my approach of seeing a counsellor.

If I read your message right, you grew up with a patent who struggled with this awful illness, and you've experienced it yourself? Wow, you would have a lot of insight and expertise!!! If you don't mind me asking, how did you get to the point where you realised you were experiencing delusions? Is there anything that helped you? What should I do in my situation? It's awful because I'm trying to keep my little family together and leaving is the last thing I want to do, but it's really worrying when he talks about being photographed by strangers etc in front of the kids. I don't want them to develop similar anxieties.

[Lattepowered]

Hi @Jynx thanks so much for your kind words of support, it means a lot. You are 100% right - my husband is not yet ready to accept that he is unwell and needs help. Yes his condition is relatively new in that it came on a year ago however it feels like an eternity to me! There's been so many twists and turns to his paranoia. It all started with an aggressive neighbour who moved in beneath us and was annoyed by the sound of our kids playing (it's an old building with floorboards, the neighbour was ex military with noise related ptsd). We had to call the police a few times as he'd be banging on our door late at night. But from there, My husband developed paranoia that the neighbour was walking in our roof at night (it was just possums in the roof), that he had installed spy cameras in our smoke alarms, hacked his computer etc. From there, he started to believe the neighbour had gone around the whole community spreading lies about him. Now, everyone is 'in on it' - taking photos of him, writing false reports etc - everyone from the postman and librarians to his colleagues, even my mum!

He's not at any risk of self harm and I've never felt unsafe - I'm more just exasperated and burnt out from having to listen to the delusions daily for a year now, and no willingness from him to get help. I have no idea what to do at this point. He's still 'functional' in the sense he can do his job, take the kids to the park etc, have normal conversations with others, but it's me who hears the odd beliefs and knows he's not well and not improving. It's a tough situation because he's not really unwell enough for me to call the CAT team (and that would be a massive betrayal of trust). I'd much prefer he'd choose to get help, of his own volition. But do I need to do something extreme like leave with the kids again and go to my mum's place to make him see there's a problem? It would be a distressing thing to do, to leave (I did it once before, for a few days).

I find it's really hard to assert boundaries too about him constantly talking to me about the delusions. And it's very much 'his way'. As in, we are constantly doing things related to the delusions (like I've been to the police station twice to prove he's not under investigation, I've agreed to see a lawyer with him, we had a bug sweep done etc). But he won't do the one simple thing I've asked - talk to someone, even just an anonymous counselling line. Sorry for my big vent, I just feel so lost in all this and worried for him 

[Ru-bee]

Hi @Lattepowered, gosh that must be exhausting providing this support, and so extremely difficult to see that your partner needs help but have them decline any suggestions of seeking some.

I do just want to echo @Jynx's point here about getting support yourself and maybe giving the SANE helpline a call to unpack everything a bit. It's fantastic that you're reaching out here and using this as an outlet, however I want to make sure you're as supported as you can be throughout this.

[Jynx]

@Lattepowered oh yeah I bet that year has felt very long indeed! Especially as I can imagine that it started out slow, small things, and has ramped up over time.It sounds like you're doing your best to be patient and compassionate but I'm also not surprised you're burnt out from it all!

Hmmm... in terms of leaving for a time in the hopes it might spur him forward, I mean maybe? I can't say anything with certainty as I'm not sure what his personal value system is like, or what might make him feel insecure - for example, he might see your leaving as an act of manipulation rather than one of desperation. But having said that, if you are needing a break, and especially with your concerns about how it is impacting the kids, it could very well be something to consider. I think at the end of the day, considering how much he is impacted by paranoia, it might be most helpful to be as open as you can be with him, and be very firm with your boundaries - sounds like that's been a bit of a struggle though!

I think one of the most recommended things for supporting someone with psychosis is to acknowledge their emotional distress without feeding into the delusions or paranoia. I can imagine it's really hard to be firm with a boundary around say, a late night trip to the police station, when it feels like that is the only thing that will calm him down! Maybe some of the tips in here can help you navigate the best way forward? Caring for a person experiencing delusions - QLD govt

[Lattepowered]

Hi @AuntJobiska thanks for your reply and interesting observations. I totally understand your views on the public mental health system. My husband was actually sectioned at the start of the year when he presented to ED with a panic attack (he thought he heard a mob of people outside our window coming to arrest him). He was only in hospital for 5 days because I (perhaps foolishly) pushed for him to be released. In retrospect the system massively failed us. He was discharged, had one follow up at the community mental health centre - they said take anti psychotics for a year, seek out your own counsellor...he did none of that, no follow up, the illness has just gone from bad to worse.

I've had various counsellors and social workers suggest getting the CAT team involved, but I haven't been able to bring myself to do that. As you say it could be disastrous - he could be sectioned for weeks, lose his job (which feeds the kids) Hate me too, quite likely.

I think i could find a 'holistic' psychiatrist, but problem is he is not willing. The most I've been able to get him to agree to over the past year is to see a non medical holistic counsellor, and now he's charged his mind again because 'they' want to get a false diagnosis to entrap him etc. Basically the illness is running the show.

[Lattepowered]

Thanks @Jynx I'm definitely burnt out. I feel energetically steam rollered by his illness. Today was a tough day because he was going on and on at me about the delusions all day, how my mum and dad have paid for a PI to investigate him, how there will soon be a search warrant etc. It started as soon as I woke, all through our errands even when we were at a Cafe with our 6 year old in earshot, reducing me to tears in public.

He is really no good with boundaries- I've said so many time please stop, no talking this stuff with the kids around, I find it really stressful etc...but it basically escalates these days to me saying I'll need to leave with the kids if it continues because I've had enough. I don't know if it's common for people with delusions to go on and on, despite multiple requests for a breather. Or if I'm not wording my boundaries properly? What else can I say to get the message across to him that I find his constant panic talk (especially when it involves my family 'plotting against him' 'poisoning him' etc) distressing? I can't stand it when the kids are nearby, hearing him say odd things.

He says he is sick of me 'threatening' to leave, but it's definitely desperation not manipulation I'm going for. Surely it's not right to be mentally harassed constantly by a spouse, even if they are ill?