Lived Experience Forum

[Lostforever]

I wish with all my heart that I could go back in time. I struggle with severe ocd and I don't like driving as I often think I have hit an animal. I should mention that I love animals and my worst fear is hitting an animal whilst driving. About a year ago, I was experiencing irrational anger and jealousy of my sister over something that she had no control over. We are very close twins and my ocd seems to exacerbate any negative emotions I experience to the point I get quite erratic and angry. I was having a bit of a meltdown and made myself calm down before I started to drive to mum and dads house. It was starting to get dark and I was concentrating on looking out for animals. Then suddenly all the negative angry thoughts popped into my head. At these moments I feel like I'm not in control and could do anything. I was terrified that I had hit a cat but I don't recall actually seeing an animal. I got home to mum and dads and was very distraught that I had hit a cat because of my irrepressible anger. I remember mum comforting me and persuading me that it was just my ocd (like she has done many times before). I settled down and things went back to normal until I found out that a neighbour's beautiful cat had gone missing, and was later found dead near their house and where I had been driving, around the same time. I was terrified that it was my fault. Somehow, I managed to put it to the back of my mind over the last year but I get really upset about it every now and then. Just lately, a year after it happened, I can think of nothing else. I've convinced myself that it definitely was my fault and I feel like I have no right to be happy and enjoy my animals when I have taken the life of a beautiful creature. I can barely bring myself to think about it as the thoughts that I have done this is just unbearable. 

[Whitehawk]

Hi ther @Lostforever 

I am just following up on your post from earlier and checking in with you, I hope you have been able to get some calm after what sounds like a very tough evening. Do you have some strategies for distracting or soothing for times like this? Please consider seeking help and support here on the forums as well as off the forums if you are really struggling.

thinking of you

Whitehawk

[greenpea]

@Lostforever  Hey Lostforver and welcome to the forums. I have things that I have done that I am not prouud of but have to live with ..... it is part of being human.  Everyone makes mistakes some due to mental illness (and omg do I have some doozees .....) others just because no one is perfect.  I love animals .... I like them better than people so I can appreciate your pain. Be kind to yourself as you dont know if you had anything to do with the death of your neighbours cat and even if you did it was not deliberately done ..... I am here to talk whenever you want just remember to put a @ infront of the name of the person you want to talk to and they will receive a notification of you post. Love greenpeax

[NatureLover]

Hi @Lostforever , I am sorry for what you're going through. I have OCD too but it's in the form of germophobia. I want to echo @greenpea in saying that you don't know for sure it was you that hit the cat. But I can imagine the grief if I had hit a cat, so you must be going through terrible things, made worse by your OCD.

Do you generally feel that you don't deserve to be happy? I mean, before this happened. I always felt that, due to my childhood, and I was always really scared something would punish me if I was happy about anything, even small things. Gradually I allowed myself to be happy (it still doesn't work all the time) and it's a great feeling. I had to separate out from my emotionally abusive father though, to learn it. 

You are allowed to be happy. I hope you are OK.

[Fred3]

You're wrong. You do deserve to be happy. You seem like a really caring and compassionate person. You feel so badly about what happened because you're a good person.