Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[ConcernedCitizn]

I have actually considered backing off and telling him he needs help. But I don't want to leave him alone during this time. I'm afraid he could do something drastic, like harm himself, if he were brought to his lowest point. I feel like I'm the one life line he has in his life right now. And while I can't officially help him or treat him, I think having someone to talk to definitely helps him feel better.

When he does accuse me of being part of it, or not trusting me, I tell him I'm capable of leaving him alone if that's what he wants. It never is.

[pip]

Dear @ConcernedCitizen. You have undertaken quite a responsibility for this man. I just hope you have someone you can turn to if necessary. Perhaps it might be an idea to suggest gently that if he is worried he is being stalked, (that seems to be the main crux of the problem), he should perhaps consider talking to the police. Maybe if you were to suggest accompanying him. That way, you may be able to see for yourself if he is being hounded by them. Once you've seen him with the police and seen for yourself that he is not being hounded, you may be in a better position to suggest he seek help. I would maybe at this point put it to him either you both go to the police, or he is on his own. If you genuinely believe he is at risk, talking to the police would give you some idea what the next move should be. Let him know you want to help, but at the same time, action needs to be taken.

[ConcernedCitizn]

I have already suggested he go to the police several times.

[pip]

@ConcernedCitizen. Then perhaps now would be the time to either take action, or tell him he is on his own. Sometimes, we have to force the issue, if we're not sure what the situation is. Maybe you could talk to the police yourself, ask them if it's possible your friend is being watched. Tell them you are concerned for him, but you're unsure how to proceed.

[ConcernedCitizn]

@pip and everyone else who has posted: 
Since you've all given me so much advice, I feel you deserve to know what has happened.

For the last week or so, I hadn't heard from my friend much. A text here and there. Usually I'd get no response. We talked on the phone once, very briefly, and just a casual conversation about nothing. I usually get worried when I don't hear from him for a long time, as he used to call me multiple times every day.

He texted me yesterday and said something along the lines of "they're going after the people I care about now, doing physical and psychological damage." I tried to call him immediately, he didn't answer. I text him back right away and said "You can't text me something like that and then not explain!"
He text me back again and said "I can't bro, I'm sorry. For the sake of my relationship."
A few more texts back and forth and I found out that he's going to be focusing on keeping his relationship going instead of talking to me. I have a feeling his girlfriend told him to stop talking to me, but he never said so. The reason I feel this way is, after that conversation I text him back and asked him if we could still talk as long as we didn't talk about the "bad stuff happening to him". Or if he was just flat-out not allowed to talk to me anymore. He didn't answer me.
So, today, I text him one last time and asked him "did you not receive my last two messages?". No response again.

It seems as though I'll be giving him some space in order to work his relationship issues out. To be honest, I feel a bit sad. I feel like I was there for him when he needed someone to be, but now if I need someone to talk to about something, we can't talk. It isn't important enough? I don't really understand.

Here's the last thing I can't decide on: when we first started talking again, he asked me if I had a Comcast internet account. I told him I did. He explained that him and his girlfriend don't have internet, but they wanted to know if I would be willing to give them my Xfinity wireless password because there is a hotspot near where they live. I did, since I don't ever use it.
However, now that we aren't even allowed to talk anymore, and I don't seem to be high on the list of priorities now that I'm not needed any longer, do I continue letting him use my wireless, when I can't even get a response from him? Do I be the d****bag and change the password so they can't use it anymore? It seems like a mean thing to do, but then again it also seems kind of mean to just bail on a friend who has been helping you for the last few months. I honestly can't tell if I was just a person to be used because they needed internet and someone to talk to.

EDIT: I feel I understated things a bit. To be completely honest with you guys, this really hurts my feelings, and it's been on my mind since it happened. I really do feel like I was there as a friend when he really needed someone, and no one else would listen to him. I'm not saying I'm some amazing person who saved his life, but I was definitely there when he needed me. The other day, I needed someone to talk to about something I had on my mind. I didn't get a response from him for three days, and that was just him telling me he was sorry he didn't pick up but he's been busy. This is really bothering me. I have a history of letting people into my life/back into my life, giving it my all, opening myself up again, and getting hurt. I'm not saying "two wrongs make a right", and he deserves for me to change my internet password, but I am saying it seems a little rude to not even respond to me and clarify what's going on right now. I literally only wanted to know if we're straight-up not allowed to talk at all for a while, or if we just can't discuss the stalking. And I'd really like to know what prompted this, such as if his girlfriend told him we can't speak anymore because she thinks I'm encouraging him too much, or if this is just him thinking I'm part of the stalking again. If the latter is the case, I don't think he deserves to continue using my wireless.

[pip]

@ConcernedCitizen. You've been 'there' so much for this guy. He has used your friendship, abused you by asking for your wireless password, then 'dumped' you. I would cancel the password, you are not being the d***bag, he is. You are naturally hurt and feel 'used' which you were. His gf may or may not have given him an ultimatum you or her, whether or not this has happened is not the issue. The issue here is, you listened, tried to help, tried to be there when he needed you. Now you need his support and you genuinely showed an interest in his life, he'd pulled the pin. No explanation, nothing. Friends like him ,you don't need, he is not a friend, he is a user. Put it down to bad vibes if you like, I'm so sorry you feel so hurt and used, that is so unfair. If he contacts you again (probably to inquire about the password) tell him he's on his own, as you are. You are going to have to be strong on this one. If he contacts you again, he may try to 'soft soap' you into 'helping' him again. Tell him, he's on his own. You are not in the wrong here, he is, he's used you, then dumped you.