Lived Experience Forum

[Pinkdalmation]

New here. I don't usually do forums or this type of thing but I am grasping at straws. I feel like my world is getting smaller and smaller and smaller and I am so tired of everything. 

I have a 15 month old. I find joy in her but I do not enjoy being alive. It's terrible, isn't it? The only reason I am still here is because she needs me. I don't want to stay but I can't go, so I am trapped in this state of perpetual limbo. As long as I am busy and focus on her I keep going, everything is fine. When I stop or I am alone the world gets too noisy and the load too heavy and I just want to make it stop. And I don't even have time to do that.

Since the shutdown my behaviours are getting worse, my thoughts more frequent and after so many years of fighting I wonder if should have given up, if I am permanently broken.

idk what I'm looking for here, just needed a safe space to say it as I can't say these things out loud 

[FellowTraveller]

It sounds like you may have post-partum depression on top of pre-existing depression? It may help if you spoke to a real person on Lifeline.

[Shaz51]

ohhh lots of tender hugs @Pinkdalmation  

we are here for you , please chat to us as much as you like xx

just needed a safe space to say it as I can't say these things out loud --- share my friend xx

we are here 24/7 xx

As long as I am busy and focus on her I keep going, everything is fine., sounds like you are a loving mum @Pinkdalmation 

are you single or married xx

hello @FellowTraveller 

[mufasa]

Hi @Pinkdalmation 

So sorry to hear what you're going through, it sounds like a very dark space to be in. But just know that even if you're feeling a sense of hopelessness, there is a way out of this with the right help and support! You're not alone. 

I am a moderator of this forum, and I've just sent you an email. 

Warm regards, 

Mufasa 

[SPH]

Hello @Pinkdalmation , 

I don't usually do these forums either.  Googling today, I came across Sane Australia, so decided to also give it a go.  Good for us for reaching out and trying to connect to a community that could possibly bolster us by acknowledging and, hopefully, validating our feelings in some way.  By this, we will perhaps feel a bit supported and hopefully offer support to others as well.  15 month old daughter.....congratulations.  I have 3 children (16, 13 and 6yo).  There is joy in parenting definitely.  A big part of parenting is caring for yourself though which is something I have always struggled with.  It sounds like you're in a place of emotional turmoil right now and I can very much relate to the feelings of hopelessness, frustration, desperation.  In a bid for self-care let's promise ourselves that we will hang on tight to whatever pinpricks of love and light are currently in our world.....hang on with all our might...I'm finding taking it a half hour - hour at a time is useful.  I'm also increasing my level of self-care, grasping onto whatever resources I have around the home to take better care of ME.  It is not selfish to do this, it's survival.  Perhaps you're similar in the way, as a parent, you usually put yourself last...?  Well, I'm here to say it's okay to prioritise yourself, put yourself further up your list of priorities.  Build into your day your needs....things you want for yourself out of whatever resources are at your disposal......be kind to yourself....parenting is a massive job and we have to look after ourselves......it's so important.  Please hang in there, better days will come I promise you.