Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

TLDR: How do you feel about appearance?

I want to start this thread with a quote, from The Miserable Mill by Lemony Snicket.

I'm sure you have heard it said that appearance does not matter so much, and that it is what's on the inside that counts. This is, of course, utter nonsense, because if it were true then people who were good on the inside would never have to comb their hair or take a bath, and the whole world would smell even worse than it already does. Appearance matters a great deal, because you can often tell a lot about people by looking at how they present themselves.

I was going to talk in this thread about how appearance does not matter so much and that it's what on the inside that counts... but OK, let's not do that. To AMEND my original idea, I would say that your appearance can reflect what you're like on the inside, when you want it to.

Sometimes, though, looking good on the outside can misrepresent how you are on the inside.

I remember I always used to visit my ex-crush at her cafe, as I have mentioned before. I went there every Wednesday, and occasional other days too, coinciding with University.

On those days, I would focus a lot more than I usually do on my appearance. I would:

• Shave properly.
• Moisturise.
• Style my hair.
• Take a long shower.
• Wear proper clothes, and perfume.

Not necessarily in that order!

Seriously, though, I thought I looked great. When I went to see her, and for the whole day afterwards, I was WAY more outgoing and confident than I was on other days of the week. I was even talking to her staff, some of which I had never met up until that point. And this was back when we finished work at 6:00AM, so I would be running on almost no sleep but I had so much energy. In hindsight, though, it was because I was "all loved up" 😂. 

Since "it happened", I can't even imagine being like that again.

Yesterday, I had University. I thought I would dress up this time. I did everything above, not thinking about my break-up, but just because it was nice. I only have class once a week, so I might as well make it special.

I left the house thinking it was going to be a good day.

I went to my cafe, which is literally five minutes walk from my house... and I was silent.

I am really socially awkward now. The people that work there don't really notice, because they don't know the difference. I am kind of a shell of my former self in that regard. I think I've picked up Social Anxiety in the past year or so, or symptoms thereof.

My coffee was really, really rough on my stomach yesterday, so I was in a lot of pain. I won't bore you with the detail, but from there, it got worse. By the end, I was in a really dark place.

Dressing up was fun, but who am I trying to impress? What did it change? I was just as alone as I ever was. I'm still a train wreck, just a train wreck with wax in my hair. That's how I felt, anyway.

Lemony Snicket is like Santa to me. I know he's not real, but I have never known him as Daniel Handler. He's THE real Lemony Snicket... but I am going to respectfully disagree with him on this one.

If you don't feel very good on the inside, then looking good on the outside is like lying to people about what they "can tell" just by looking at you.

Honestly, it feels like lying to yourself, too.

[BPDSurvivor]

Hey @Former-Member ,

thanks for your insightful post.

perphaps dressing up isn't about impressing others/lying to others, but more about impressing yourself/lying to yourself? I really dont know. 

fake it till you make it!!! Lol!

BPDSurvivor

[Bow]

sitting thinking about your post @Former-Member  and ill just leave an often quoted quote....

'dont judge a book by its cover'.

i think it can be true about how people appear too. someone may be a total mess inside, but appear on the outside to have it together and vise versa. i at least try to look half decent when i go out, i odnt always do my hair or shower, and maybe ill stay in comfy clothes all day, but i try to put in some effort and maybe that goes against me when i see health professionals and they see me as having it together, who knows. 

thanks for your post @Former-Member 🙂

[Dew3]

Hi @Former-Member 

You are a very good writer.  Artistic is a way I would describe it in getting your feelings across .

I may not be addressing everything you have written but essentially it is what is on the inside that counts but unfortunately not everyone sees that part of true self.  Some also may have social anxiety and unable to confidently get their true self out or out walls up.

If I am to be honest I am guilty of being attracted to the outward appearance of someone first or their strong, assertive, funny personality. Not everyone shows their true self all the time, myself included.  Struggling with depression can hinder so much too.

From my experience, at least having clean , brushed hair makes myself feel I have looked after myself in self care.

At this period of my life while struggling, I don't have the motivation to get dressed up to the extent I would when feeling more 'me' if that makes sense?

As I have gotten older I have done so much more reflection on looks over having a good heart and personality. 

Number one I totally know there are far better looking people than me . I also know there are better humans than me on the inside.

I have made the mistake of letting a partner go due to superficial reasons.   Looking back regret those decisions. I know people have done the same to me too.

At the end of the day having a partner to share life with would be great. I also know being content in myself first is important so I don't rely on someone else for validation.  Finding someone to compliment each other i think would be a great thing. No matter re looks - having that connection is either there or not and can depend on where you or they are at in their life.

Keep being you.  Evolving is one thing but don't change just so someone else will like you. 

I tend to ramble in writing to get my point across so I hope that wasn't too much?