Lived Experience Forum

[BryanaCamp]

thanks for letting me know @Anya_77 you may be erratic on the forum. I feel used irl when I contribute a lot of support & don't get much back so I have to be careful that doesn't happen online even though this is only an online forum not real life.

I can't relate to your double life and I am way past denial but there may be others on the forum who can relate more. It may help to get more responses if you introduce yourself around the forum on different threads. Maybe @outlander can relate to BDP and seeking DBT or can suggest someone here who might?

[outlander]

hi @Anya_77
thanks for the tag @BryanaCamp

ive just have to go to the shops but will be back soon to have a better read over before i respond

[Anya_77]

Aw, @BryanaCamp I certainly wouldn't want you to feel used and I'm sure no one else would on here. The things you wrote back to me meant a lot in terms of validation and support. I'm a little bad at getting used to the way the posts + threads work because I've never done this before. And I've been self-medicating with a lot of alcohol this week and things have reallty gone sideways so I've lost track of what I wrote on here. 

The thing I find refreshing about speaking to other people with BPD on here is the honesty about what makes us feel uncomfortable, so thank you for being honest.

I'm finding that it's little things that add up to help with not feeling despair or vulnerable – like when you speak to a friend and they reaffirm that they'll speak to you tomorrow, or my therapist booking three weeks' worth of appointments in advance so that I don't have to worry that I'll never see her again. Even realising how anxious I feel when saying goodbye to anyone I care about, in case they disappear. It's definitely a learning curve to realise these triggers for what they are and discovering little ways to manage them – and that they're not reality, but part of being unwell. I'm not sure if you found this early on? 

Yes, unfort I do feel like circumstances are forcing me to I'm live a double life. I have clients who depend on me to be present, sharp and creative and sometimes the only way to snap out of these intense feelings is with a slow drip-feed of vodka – not enough to be drunk, but enough to soften the edges. I also broadcast a radio show...it can be impossible to be lively and "fun" on air when feeling disassociated or dark. I'm trying really hard to swap booze for some of the DBT skills but it's only been a few weeks. When there's a deadline I'm still more likely to reach for the unhealthy stuff.

Thank you for tagging @outlander  – and @outlander, thank you for taggiing me in your post. It's a Saturday, so don't feel obliged to respond right away, but would be great to hear your perspective. 

[Eden1919]

@Anya_77  Its ok. Letting go is hard... for me personally though i rather let go than keep feeling on edge about where i stand with someone. it drives me insane thinking i am bothering someone who actually sceretly doesnt want to talk to me by messaging them even if it is only one message every few months. still thats just me. but even still leaving does cause a rip inside you that takes time to heal. DBT is a hard one because if it isnt done properly it can make things worse. for example if you are asked to stop doing X bad behavoiur but arent given a good replacement then it will likely not work and end up making you feel like a faliure for not being able to stop X even though you could but it was approached in the wrong way. it is a tricky process though and will take time and quite a long time at that. it is also hard when things have bult up over time becuase you werent helped eairler. 

[BryanaCamp]

hello @Anya_77 I'm an introvert so meeting people is a bit rare, then feeling a connection is rarer still, then attaching to that special someone...adds up to being pretty vulnerable in real life. I was raised in an unstable home with emotionally abusive/negligent parents/step-parents which I believe can be partly the cause of bpd issues. so feeling used is my issue -I'm boycotting a bbq tonight because the host took my kindness a few steps way too far so I feel the friendship is pear-shaped & he used me. so it's a pattern of mine. on the plus side I seem to be maintaining some good solid friends & family now that I'm medicated well & trying hard w relationships - knowing that someone can't be my everything. Weird.

You sound extroverted & in demand - whilst I can't relate to extroversion it sounds very difficult to 'perform' socially...and I can relate to using alcohol as a social lubricant, something to soothe the nerves & help with being bubbly & attentive. Do you have anyone you can confide in about the 'real' you... a psychologist or psychiatrist? Have you found medication to be helpful? I respond very poorly to all kinds of talking therapies (including groups) which is rare but fortunately do repsond well to medication and I have a cool psychiatrist so that's my method. The downside to medication is that it is broken down in the liver so any alcohol is additional stress on the liver.. and i need my liver long term...It is very positive that you look forward to group DBT - I belive if you're a social/people-person then groups are gonna be helpful because they're social.

I have two friends irl with bpd. They are so different. One is entertaining & sardonic and cute & will have a drink with me at the pub. The other is quiet as a mouse and caring & devout & won't touch alcohol or leave her suburb for anxiousness. But they both have a lot of scaring on thier arms from sh. and both may be paralysed w MI/mood all of a sudden & cancel plans w me. and one was suddenly in psych hospital for weeks. So I guess it takes all types.

Do you have any support systems in place? hobbies, friends, family, psychologist, psychiatrist..

If Zoe7 were here she'd tell you how welcome you are to the forums and how brave you are to share your story with us. Well, I second that 

[Anya_77]

Hi @BryanaCamp thanks for your sincere and descriptive post. I don't know if I am that extroverted – I spend more time on my own than I'd like, and am not comfortable in my own company. There was a time when I was, but that's long gone. I feel worse about it all like it's some kind of failure. I feel like I don't exist except when relating to other people. It also means I do get very attached, but have developed ways of hiding that from people, does that make sense? I guess from your description of your two friends, all our personality types have unique ways of coping and / or hiding. 

Most of the time now, I feel such shame and underlying despair about my life circumstances – single again at 40, a series of relationships that have ended the same way, and only now finding out that some of the reasons I acted up in those was due to BPD. 

I do relate so much to what you said at the start of your post: "I'm an introvert so meeting people is a bit rare, then feeling a connection is rarer still, then attaching to that special someone...adds up to being pretty vulnerable in real life." I couldn't agree more, that's such an accurate description! 

Yes I do have a psychiatrist, psychologist and friends who know what's going on but I feel like the most important thing for me is to sort out what goes wrong in my initimate relationships – I very much want to build a life with someone. Failing repeatedly at this gets me very black – fixing it is becoming the most important and urgent thing to me and the DBT moves so slowly. Now, I feel like even if I met someone I'd be such an anxious handful and be very scared about trusting that person not to leave.

Also feel like it would get away to an inpatient place for a while and treat this a bit more intensively, because I'm just not managing life and my business, eg last week I lost three whole days which I have to account for to clients with whom I'm on a retainer. It's so much pressure at the moment. Have you ever done anything in-patient? Is that where you discovered groups don't work well for you?

I wish I had your discipline with alcohol. Unlike you, I find that medication (SSRIs) seem to really jolt me around and some of them have had bad effects. I take something for sleep at night and that's it at the moment. 

Thank you again for your supportive post and sharing. 

[outlander]

Hi @Anya_77

im sorry its taken me so long to respond, I got caught up with my caring roles yesterday and had to work my second job today and havent had a chance to read properly. Ive gone back over the whole thread though.


Thank you for sharing whats been happening for you, it is really brave of you to share the things you have so openly. Im sorry that you have attempted suicide, I know when your in that fram of mind its hard to think even a few minutes ahead of your current thoughts. I too have an attempt to my name so can understand how you were feeling and how you might be feeling now.

Liek you im high-functioning but my BPD and other mental illnesses make me in ways that I dont often understand and 'not me' sorts of ways. Going off your initial post (please do correct me if im wrong!) it seems that perhaps abandonment and lonliness seem to be quite often encountered in your thoughts and emotions. An example of this is when youve meantioned that your relationships are 'life or death'. Do you find that you have to be the person everyone expects you to be, and feel like youve got to impress them in order to maintain your friendships?

The ability to feel things intensely, often more intense than others is a common trait of BPD and tends to cause us to overreact to even the minor things. This can make everyday living hard and relationships tricky to navigate too.

You said that you feel DBT is an emergency treatment rather than something to discuss your issues? Im wondering if you are able to see a counsellor who you can talk to about your worries as well as having DBT to teach you ways to cope, interact etc?

Ill leave things there for now as I dont want to overwhelm you but happy to discuss more of what you need and like

[Anya_77]

Hi @Eden1919  apologies for the delayed reply. Wow I really love the way you expressed this, about making the choice to let go rather than the pain of being on edge with someone uncertain. It really hit home for me, thank you. It actually made me a bit defiant that this ex-partner, no matter how sweet and beautiful he is, never once allowed me any feeling of certainty about our relationship or what our intimacy meant, not once. I can see how destructive that is if you're prone to these symptoms. 

And yes, your explanation makes sense – I do feel like I'm in a limbo with the DBT, and like it's barely making a dent in years worth of pain, breakups, and bad choices. I push myself to do it at least once a day, but the ingrained easy options – spiralling, drinking, ruminating – are still winning. I figure if I can at least make one choice per day during these dark days to remember to practise one of the skills, that's better than nothing, right? 

Thanks so much for your post 

[Anya_77]

Hi @outlander no need to apologise, and thanks so much for your response, especially while working. "An example of this is when youve mentioned that your relationships are 'life or death'. Do you find that you have to be the person everyone expects you to be, and feel like youve got to impress them in order to maintain your friendships?" 

Wow that's insightful and yes that's exactly how I feel. I often even feel like I "disappear" into the other person. I know how much pressure this must put on people and it's quite embarassing too, so I've gotten much better at hiding this, but I often feel the feeling all the same. With the life or death thing, I feel like any transgression on my part (real or imagined), is intractable, shameful, unforgiveable and people will leave me forever for it, and that's enough to cause me severe despair. Like making the intoxicated phonecalls to the ex. When I apologised the next day he said it's more important that I forgive myself, to forget about it, and to think about how I would react if he, or a friend, did it to me. I would probably think it was sloppy and sentimental, and kind of funny. Nothing like the shame I was applying to myself!

But yes, I most definitely overract, although I'm learning to spot it now though when it happens and at least question it. As for the DBT, maybe I'm just not far enough along in the modules to cover this yet. Your advice is great and I have mentioned my concerns to my psychologist but she says I need to be patient and she needs to take me through the emotion regulation skills to keep me safe first. I just feel like I'm suddenly noticing so much that's destructive in my thinking and reactions and wondering how long it's going to take to get well. I wonder if that's a normal part of the process? Did this happen for you?

[outlander]

@Anya_77

i have made quite the fool of myself before trying to be someone else. i dont drink or anything (im 22 but i guess not your average 22yrold) but i have moulded into the perception that others think of me, mostly through what their expectations are of me and what they are of myself.
My abanondment and lonliness comes from loosing those i love and never really having that love back even now im the outcast but with higher expecations to be that perfect person. i tend to loose alot of friendships and supports (even those that i pay such as psych)
As humans we all want and is natural to want to be loved and accepted by everyone we meet, even if thats not reality, so we try hard to impress others. Perhaps something to work on or have a think about what it is that sets your abandoment etc off and work through ways in managing these. For example was your breakup an event that has caused intense emotions surrounding being left again?- if it is it might be worth having a few sessions with your psychologist in working through your breakup.


Emotion regulation skills will be really good for you. i havent done DBT myself however @Sans911 and @BlueBay are 2 others that come to mind that might be able to share their experiences, they also have BPD as we do.


Unfortunatly yes, i do become quite destructive but often its towards myself rather than towards others so like self harm, or other ways such as speeding, and risk driving. Recovery takes time and isnt a straight line fix (though i wish i had a magic wand to help everyone!) there will be ups and downs and round and rounds which is incredibly frustrating but with time patience and learning these skills such as those in DBT and coping methods that work well for you things will get better in time.