I have written this in present tense – I just think it reads better that way. but it is about events 2 years ago. I have been thinking a lot about the way that for well over 6 months I was telling people I was thinking about suicide and yet when I tried it everyone seemed surprised… This is written as though I were talking to the people who were treating me – kind of a “what I wish you knew”
I think you see me as though I am standing on the edge of a cliff. You see me standing on secure ground. Looking back at you saying “I am going to jump” and “I mean it, I am really going to do it this time”. You wonder why I never walk away from the cliff. And after a while begin to see me like the boy in the story who cried “wolf”. And think “If she really wanted to die, she would have done it already”.
I wish you could see. I’m already over the edge. I am clinging onto the top with all the strength I possess. But I’m fighting against something that feels as inevitable as gravity. I can’t hold on forever. I wish you could see that everytime I talk to you about suicide I need help to hold on. Even if for just one day or one night. And I wish you could see that I need more help. Beyond what you can give. I need someone who is trained to help me back up onto safe ground. If I stay where I am I will fall one day. Because while you can grab my arm and help me hold on for an extra day or week or month or more. Eventually… you will get tired too. I can’t hold on forever. You can’t hold on forever.
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13 YARN