Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

I'm just wondering if anyone has some ideas about when your thoughts and feelings don't match up. Currently I am in a situation where a family member has just provided me with an fantastic opportunity and I am very grateful for it and overwhelmed at this persons generosity. However I feel anxious and fearful about it and haven't been able to show (but more importantly feel) any excitement or happiness about it. Everyone is expecting me to be joyous over it but I really can't find those feelings. I know logically I'm truly thankful for this gift. I am feeling like a spoilt brat because I can't feel what I think everyone expects me to feel. I hope this makes sense. Can anyone relate?

[Fancy_Pants]

Hi @Former-Member

I definitely feel conflicted about things sometimes/a lot, I wonder if that is what is happening for you too? what i find for me is that i have almost two sets of thoughts and feelings directed to different things 

- so you have thoughts toward the person helping like - what a generous person and so you feel thankful (and want to act joyous)

- but then you also have thoughts about what they are giving like - (total guess) I wonder if I can do it? or I dont want to let them down? etc and so you feel overwhelmed (and want to hide?)

but then you cant act joyous and hide (?) so you become overwhelmed by the two and freeze which leads to guilt? 

I might be totally off track but thats just my guess, if it is right then I try to chat with somone about it because saying out loud the thing that you fear and is holding you back from being able to act how you want usually takes some of the power out of it and can help others understand they need to lower their expectations

I hope things work out for you 🙂

[Former-Member]

Thank you so much for your response @Fancy_Pants. It is kind of spot on. I was feeling like I was alone to this. Today I talked to a friend and she said she sometimes felt like this but not on such a big issue like I have. My brother just bought a house for me and my sons to rent with the possibility of buying it from him at some stage. However I am anxious because it's in an area I haven't lived in before and there is so much maintenance to do as the house is quite run down. Many days I struggle just to stay alive and so the level of financial commitment and work to be done on the house scare me so much. I am so grateful to have a house to move which will give us some stability but without a job currently I will struggle to meet even these financial obligations. So I feel constantly conflicted and yes very guilty. The expectations from my family is that this will 'fix me' because they think it will give me a project to keep my mind occupied. Even writing this post I feel the guilt and shame and the internal conflict is huge.

[Fancy_Pants]

Hi @Teej

did he consult you before buying it? or mean it as a loving surprise?

Your family sound very loving but maybe not as emotionally connected to your experience? it can be very hard for family to understand the nature of mental health and how accutely it can impact their loved one, but you didnt and would never chose this. it would be overwhelming to hold all of their expactations especially when it sounds like you hold the same expectations for your yourself (hence guilt) but you know that it will be a challenge given your mental health concerns at the moment and it is important to be honest with yourself.

Just wondering if you have had a chance to chat to your brother directly? (without everyone else) find out his exact expectations regarding how quickly he would expect you to fix things? how much he expects to you pay for rent (compared to whatever you pay now and can afford) and how soon he would expect you to start a payment plan to buy it off him (if that is even a possibility in the next 5-10yrs - for many people its not especially when the kids still live at home)

at least if you have these details you can break it down into smaller steps and it may provide you some evidence to say 'yes i can do this it is realistic - if there is a long term plan' or 'no i realistically can't afford it at this time' 

just an idea to take or leave

[Former-Member]

Hi @Fancy_Pants.
I have responsibility in this. I had to move as I could no longer afford my rent. I was part of it but I was really struggling and I guess went along with what everyone thought was best for me. I think I've been struggling with the reality of my life too. This afternoon I went to visit the new house with a friend and although I am still scared she helped me to feel less anxious about it. I guess I have to take each day as it comes again and hope that everything works out. All of the anxiety is still there but just for now it's not pushing me over the edge. My options for finding something I could afford were pretty limited. My brother is aware of my financial situation but holds great optimism that I will work again and have greater financial stability at some point in the near future. I can't see that possibility yet. I know for now I can hopefully scrape though for another year and a half. I know I can't afford to fix much though. Yesterday when I got the keys for the house I couldn't open many of the windows as they were almost seized and I struggled so much with all the new obstacles in my life which is why I wrote this post. Everyone was expecting excitement and I just felt nauseous and wanted to cry. It is too late to do anything about the house, settlement happened yesterday but what you wrote made me realise maybe I need to try and talk to my family more honestly about my realities with MI. Thanks again for your thoughts😊

[Sehnsucht]

@Former-Member, in all honesty, giving someone a gift is meant to be selfless. Especially if the intention is to help. The gift giver cannot expect that just because it's a gift, that it helps, or that you'll react in any set way. If this expectation is there, then the gift was given for their own benefit, to make them feel charitable.

They may not realise this is how they're inflicting this gift upon you, they may indeed feel very genuinely that they're helping. Sometimes it's hard to see past wanting to help, and listening to what helps.

It sounds like you are grateful to have people so willing to want to help, but don't feel obliged that you must lie and say the house isn't without risks and downfalls.

Hopefully you can talk through it and perhaps in doing so they can offer to help tidy/do up the house for you so that it is at least a clear stress-free space for you? At least your bedroom perhaps? Or perhaps your close friend you mentioned could jump in on that? Massive hugs. xxx

[Former-Member]

Thanks @Sehnsucht,
I would normally have more help but it has been mostly left to me and my teenage son. My parents are becoming elderly and want to help so much but it is becoming difficult for them. One of my children is studying overseas until early next year, one is coming up to uni exams and flat out and the third has been working away which has added more pressure. My sons girlfriend has offered to help strip wall paper and make my bedroom ok so you are on the same page with her😊 Thanks for your kind thoughts.

[Sahara]

Hi @Former-Member,

your brother is very well-meaning, there is no doubt about that.

I suppose I have a slightly different take on this than what others might have..... But in the real world, if a land-lord rented a house to a tenant, it would be up to the land-lord himself to do all the necessary maintenance on the house. It would not be the tenant's responsibility. Yes, it's true that the land-lord would only be able to ask for a low rent on a property that was in poor condition, but it would still be his responsibility to see that the property was maintained.

Have you seen the report from the building inspector that should have been carried out prior to the sale? Are you aware of the extent of the damage to the property and the approximate cost of fixing everything? Is your rent low enough to compensate you for living in a poorly maintained house? I wonder if you would not get a better deal through an Estate Agent? (Even though I don't especially trust Estate agents!)

Given that the property is in poor condition, your brother may have found great difficulty finding a good tenant. You may actually be doing him a favor by moving in. Are you signing a lease?

I'm sorry if this sounds very blunt. I do not mean to question your brother's sincerity, as he may be extremely sincere. But if it were my brother- he would not want me to live in a sub-standard building. He would probably offer me a room in his own house before he would do that.  

@Former-Member, I would try to remove your emotions from the situation and look at it objectively. Is this a good deal for you or is it not? If you did not know the land-lord at all, would you want to rent this house?

[Sahara]

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@Teej wrote:
 The expectations from my family is that this will 'fix me' because they think it will give me a project to keep my mind occupied. Even writing this post I feel the guilt and shame and the internal conflict is huge.

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@Former-Member,

Please talk to your family about this. Renovating houses does not cure mental illness. Renovating is stressful and is best left to professionals. 

Doing what your family expect of you when it goes against all your instincts is not a great idea. I would seriously weigh up the pros and cons of moving into this house - regardless of what anyone in your family thinks or says. You have to do what is right for you. 

If you firmly believe there are no other options available to you then maybe take out a lease for one year and after that re-evaluate if you are happy in the house or not. A year does go quite quickly.

[Former-Member]

Thanks for your responses @Sahara. In the last week my parents have stepped up and one of my sons too. Things have been fixed a bit and I'm more confident although still scared about moving in on Monday. My counsellor has helped hold me together a fair bit too as it has been a really rough week. My brother lives overseas and his intentions were always admirable and honest. He wanted to help because he couldn't in person. He has put some money together for some repairs now too so it is coming together better than before. My counsellor wants to have a session with my family soon so that may help too. Thanks again for your thoughts and concern 😊