Lived Experience Forum

[theaveragejoe]

Looking at my journey into recovery, one of the things that I noticed about myself was that, in my dealings with people, I would often look for problems in any relationship. I would always look for the worst in messages and words and often misinterpret these.

I realised that all of the traumatic past was spilling into my life in that I was anti social, I would often offend people and do things to make people uncomfortable. 

Fortunately, today, after much soul searching, I am able to stop myself from retaliating, even when this is not necessary.

Retaliation used to come out in all sorts of ways: from not replying to a friend, often making him feel bad about what he had written; not replying to friends messages on self help forums (this can really hurt); and generally do things that where not kind.

But I was not always fully aware. I felt that mistrust of people and my inability to ask for explanation, or lack of transparency, often led to problems.

It was easy for me to be unkind towards others, even cruel. And I kept on doing it almost getting satisfaction out of it.

I am glad that I have grown out of that because, really speaking, when it is all said and done, it was just stuffing up my life not that of anyone else. I was really sabotaging my own life, my own social relations and so on.

I am glad that I have past this terrible spot on the way towards recovery. I am happy that I no longer upset people. Or if I do upset people unaware, I move away today. 

Being unkind can be at once an effort and an easy way out effort. Being kind is a pleasure even if it takes more work.. 

There are so many unkind people in the world that I just did not want to be one more.

It is easy to be unkind, but often more difficult to be kind, to forgive, to help others, to discuss things and be transparent and be willing to communicate rather than blame without evidence and take my frustration out on others. This is one of the worst things about having a mental disorder, I feel, at least in my case.

If I stopped in that mental frame, or state of mind, of wanting to retaliate towards others, I would end up doing what others have done to me and that is to make me feel inadequate, to traumatise me, and make me feel worthless. That is precisely what I was doing. Do onto others what was once done to me. The endless and vicious circle. 

[NikNik]

Hey @theaveragejoe

Thank you so much for so well expressing what you have realised and changed in your life.

You are so spot on - the main person who would have been impacted by your past approaches, was you! Even though it's hard work to be kind, are you getting more out of it than when you would approach situations in a negative way?

Also I'm curious, was this change quick? Was there something in particular that helped you see this or was it something that came to you over time?

[theaveragejoe]

Hi Nik Nik,

it is not easy to answer your question. I suppose that I have been able to really look at myself and ask myself the more difficult questions. I feel that I have gone through a long process of metamorphosis. 

Perhaps it is because of my intense studies in psychology, sociology and anthropoloogy. You see, when I went to University, in the 1990, humanitarian subjects were still very much valued. It is these subjects that have helped me to take a look at myself. First I became critical of my society, and then I shifted the focus on myself. What I saw was not good.

Also, the fact that I help many people with mental disorders and other disabilities , as a volunteer, helped me tremendously to see myself in the process of helping people. I had to become responsible and change myself if I was to really help. That is why it would be crucial, in AUstralia, to have helpers for people with mental disorders, even on these sites. For example Silenus is a great help and so are other people. These people should be given some sort of position by the government and perhspa some small amount of money to help from home. Why not?

I also raise funds for mental health in my own special way, and all of these things I do  helpe me to grow.

Today, my perception is that many people with mental disorders get upset with me for what I write. They are not really getting upset, I perceive: there is a struggle. All my work is based on spreading the word that no matter what is wrong with us we can help ourselves to various degrees: some more, some less; but we all have the power to help ourselves, and that is the power of ONE. No one can take this away from us.

This knowledge I I try to spread can irritate people:  for example some may want to blame their entire mental disorder on a bilogical dysfunction. But it is never just biological, there is also our perception of the problems, our understanings, and our environment.

There are many perfectly normal people that develop a mental disorder later in life, triggered by trauma. Sexual assault, witnessing a car accident; seeing a friend die; all of these events can trigger the most severe mental disorder. Trauma happens and it can happen to anyone, anyone at all.

But, I feel that many of us, including me in the past, did not want to know about these things. It was easy for me, for example, to blame my condition on biology which meant that I kept on being an A****** if you know what I mean. But, when I decided to become responsible things started to change. I did not like living with myself in that sitation so I begun to change.

Today I realise that I may be very far ahead on the road to recovery and this can upset those who are not quite where I am. Although some are further ahead than me. I don't resent them I will get there soon.

But I also realize that only by stimulating change, and even partly irritating some people, can I help them, within reasons of course. THis is what many mental health professional do not understand. We need to upset people to help them, in a very nice and controlled manner. And it is also hard to know when too much is too much. We cannot help people without letting the poison out. And when the poison comes out it is not going to be a pleasant event. THe poison here is all of the trauma that is bottle up. The scream comes to mind, the famous painting where the person screams her lungs out and all of the horror. tension, and emotions come out with the scream.

Change does not happen in peace, change happens in struggle, confrontation, inner turmoil and so on. Change is painful. It is not easy to change. 

I have been able to change because other people have shown me the way and while I did get upset with them  for doing so, I later came to understand that they were trying to help me in a real way, to show me the Light. I took the opportunity and here I am. I saw my poison come out, like a green lava , coming out of my body, I really envisaged this, and that was not a pleasant event, it was terrible for me.

In this sense, I may be an odd ball in many places, perhaps even on this website. No doubt that many would be irritated with me for what I say, they would want me gone. And sometime the time to leave does come. When someone tells me how they wish I would go away and refrain from commenting on sites like this one I know that they are really asking for help, subconsciously. Of course I am not an expert, but I can help in my own subtle ways. I have personal and lived experience of mental disorders.

If I was to blame my Bipolar on a biological malfunction, and speak of medication alone, I would probably be much loved in many places. Such is life. I would also have to work a lot less and blame everything and everyone. I have been there and I did not like it.

All of this that I have said, though seemingly unrelated to your question, has a lot to do with your question, only presented from a Bipolar perspective. People with Bipolar can join the dots where many other people cannot join the dots of knowledge. We see things holistically.

Don't know if this is an answer that is satisfactory to you, Nik Nik, but thank you for asking and for being such a kind person. 

[NikNik]

That's awesome @theaveragejoe - thanks for that extra insight!

[theaveragejoe]

It's not easy being green unless you need to camuflage yourself amongst green leaves 🙂