Lived Experience Forum

[Phoenix_Rising]

Hi all. Floating around the forums, it has really struck me how often people make predictions about the future of other forumites. Phrases such as "things will get better," "it won't always be like this" "your psychologist/therapist/psychiatrist will help you/ teach you/ show you such-and-such" seem to abound. I am curious to know where everyone got their crystal balls from. On what basis do people make these predictions. Their own experience? How does the experience of one, predict the experience of another?

Here's my experience: I attempted suicide in 1997. Twenty years on, I am still waiting for that moment when I say "gee I'm glad I didn't die that day." I spent twelve years completing my degree with everyone telling me "keep going, it will be worth it in the end." I graduated over a year ago. It wasn't worth it. I spent 12 years on a piece of paper that is sitting in the bottom draw of my desk. For all those years, whenever I tried to get support about what I was going to DO with my degree, I was told not to worry about the future. Well guess what? It's the future now!!!! Now I am 39 and less employable than I was when I started the degree!!!

I saw a psychologist for sixteen years. Everyone told me "listen to X. He will help you." Turns out he was an abusive therapist...and it took me over a decade to figure that out because everyone around me was telling me that he would help me.

There are a lot of very bad mental health professionals out there. Do not believe people who tell you that X will help you, if your own gut feeling is telling you that what X is doing, isn't right.  

I do not know your future. I am not saying that it WON'T get better...but I am saying that I don't know. It might, or it might not. I don't know if your situation will improve. I don't know if your therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist will help you. I don't know...and I am not going to patronise you with empty baseless promises. What I do know, is that there is a very good chance it will get better - it does seem to for many people. And of course, you have to stay alive to find out whether you will be one of those many people for whom things improve. It hasn't been the case for me thus far, but that doesn't mean things won't get better for you. My deepest desire is that they will...but I still won't ever make any empty promises to you about it!

[Former-Member]

Hiya @Phoenix_Rising

you know we dont know that for certain that it will get better. I guess for me there are so many stories around of people it did get better for that it offers hope. I think we need hope. If someone said to me it will never get better you are delusional it wouldn't help me to keep fighting. I write it because I believe that others that have gone before me had hope that it will get better which is a big factor in them being able to do it. If not the alternative is to walk off the earth now and give up. You have to have hope, the end of hope is effectively the end of life. Sorry it sounds a bit morbid. I think I've learned this since I've been on the forum. I get it now but didn't always. Someone else believing in me and offering their hope is the most powerful thing for me. This is my perspective anyway. Best wishes. 💜🤗

[Former-Member]

Hi @Phoenix_Rising. Maybe when people say that things will get better, what they're really meaning is that things will pass? That every moment is different to the one before it and that nothing will stay exactly the way it is in a particular moment forever (even if it feels like it will).

Like @Former-Member has said, maybe it helps instil hope in people who are struggling to find it. If 'it will get better' is hard to believe, then knowing change is a certainty might give comfort that there's hope it won't always be like this?

[Phoenix_Rising]

@Former-Member and @Former-Member Thank you for responding. However, I don't really understand what you are saying. It makes no sense to me to say that when someone says X they really mean Y. If they meant Y, why wouldn't they say Y? I would never tell someone that things WON'T get better. As I said in my original post, the point is, I don't know. I don't know if things will get better for someone or not, so I would never make a categorical statement either way. I certainly agree with you @Former-Member that things will pass and nothing stays the same. Sometimes when I am really struggling, I take great solace in the fact that I can be 100% certain that I will die one day. This life WILL end. That is one thing I CAN be certain about. So yes, I very much like the phrase "this too shall pass."

It just really grates on me when people make categorical statements about things they don't (and can't) know for sure because it is those sorts of statements that have landed me in the pickle that I'm in. Regarding employment, it would have been far more helpful to me if people had helped me look at options given my particular strengths and weaknesses, rather than constantly telling me that my degree would be worth it in the end. Now there don't seem to BE any options. Neither my GP nor my psychologist seem to have any suggestions for me employment-wise...and given that gaining and sustaining employment is my treatment goal, things are looking rather bleak.

I guess the thing I haven't yet mentioned anywhere on the forum is that I am very rapidly moving towards a calm thought-out decision to suicide. Not the chaotic I-can't-do-this-anymore sort of thing in response to overwhelming emotion, but a calm decision based on the reality of my situation. I have no family and I have very little hope of having a career. I know I can keep myself alive by spending my days lying on the floor focusing on my breathing, doing the distraction stuff, doing the relaxation stuff, doing the mindfulness stuff etc etc ad infinitum...but that is not a life I consider worth living. The goal of completing my degree kept me going for twelve years. It is done now. I have one more thing that I need to deal with before I suicide...and that thing will most likely come to fruition within the next few weeks. Both my psychologist and my GP are aware of this situation...and neither have any answers. The reality is that the people who truly know my situation know that I have only one reason left to live, and that reason will be resolved soon. I have been telling my psychologist since the day we met that I need to find a reason to live before the last reason I have is finalised. And yet three months later, we still haven't come up with anything. I am moving towards a decision of rational suicide...and I am ok with that.

[Former-Member]

Back again @Phoenix_Rising

I've been thinking more about your post. I guess at first read it felt challenging. On the second read I realise that life has dealt you a rough hand of cards right down to your mental health care. I'm sorry you haven't been able to find the mh support you need. I know it's not a perfect world out there but I believe there is still more good than bad in mental health professionals but I agree with what you say in that you need to listen to your gut. I also know there are really good mh professionals that may suit one person but not another so it's really important to find the person who suits you. I think it helps if you have an understanding of your needs with a mh professional which is easier said than done. I've only recently been able to develop this understanding of what I need in my mh care. I still haven't got it all right in the support that is available to me but I have the understanding of what it is. I think once you've found the right support person you do listen and work out the strategies you need to move forward. 

Lastly after I walked away from my last post I think I realised that i have written it will get better in two modes short term and long term. I really liked the way @Former-Member summed it up, in the short term when in distress it will pass and in the long term change is inevitable.

thanks for the though provoking post. I just wish it didn't have to come from your lived experiences. 💜🤗

[Former-Member]

You know @Phoenix_Rising i get what youve said in your last post. I'm a bit the same for very similar reasons. I haven't worked for 22 years. I have no skills, was half way through a degree when my mi hit but I'm not sure that degree would have ever given me work. I have about 12 months to be well enough to find and keep work. In thinking about your situation I'm gathering you are talking about needing a purpose in life, some thing that will sustain you. Have you thought about volunteering? It may give you that purpose. You could develop the skills you need to get work. I'm not sure what industry you're in. I understand how angry and frustrated and confused you are from your experiences but there are still different experiences that may yield something purposeful for you that may have a positive impact on your life, a reinventing if you like. From what I read that is what you need to find a life worth living, a purpose for being here. If you are it's a me too thing. Am I correct with this?

[Phoenix_Rising]

Hi @Former-Member,

I do have a volunteering gig one day a week. What I need is a real job that pays real money so that I can pay my real mortgage. I was telling my psychologist on Monday, if money wasn't an issue then sure, I could just pick up four more volunteering gigs one day/week and "work" a five day week that way. But money IS an issue. I have no one to turn to. I have no family who would take me in. If I can't pay my mortgage, I will be on the street.

It isn't a matter of lacking skills for work, it's the fact that I'm basically seen as a liability because of the two previous incidents. I really need a workplace that could cope with...well...me I guess, but it doesn't seem to exist. The second workplace incident occurred in a service that I was a client of. They claim to be a trauma-informed service, they knew my issues, they got a wage subsidy because we set up the arrangement through a disability employment service...and yet after I had a very significant trauma-related meltdown, they couldn't get rid of me fast enough.

BTW, my degree is in psychology. I hold a first class honours degree in psychology. There, I said it.

[Former-Member]

@Phoenix_Rising,
I don't know anything about you, but when I attempted suicide it was of the 'calm thought out' variety. My life was hell and I didn't see it getting better. And it took quite some time to get better, but it has. It still dips down and I get sick, but the thing is, we never know if in fact things are going to get better or worse. We just don't. We can't predict the future and we only get one go at life. No round 2, just 1.
Perhaps, just perhaps things just might get better.

[Former-Member]

I've just woken up from accidentally falling asleep reading 😕 I'm going to make a cuppa and properly think about what you're saying @Phoenix_Rising because i really appreciate the points you're making.

[Former-Member]

And thereby my dilemma too @Phoenix_Rising with needing to keep a roof over mine and my kids heads. But for me it's about purpose and payback too. A chance to pay some taxes back for what I've taken. 

I can't imagine the frustration you are finding with all this. Do you have to work in this field? Is there something else that would pay the mortgage whilst searching for the soul fulfilling thing you need in your life. I'd imagine like me, you have your things that mean you have to think carefully about workplaces that can support you but allow for differences too. This is what I will need. I went in to my first psychiatrist logist and gave her a list of what it would take for me to want to live. I kind of cringe a bit now at that list but I think it has helped to have that list challenged a lot.

but getting back to the real issue of needing to pay the mortgage have you gone through a disability provider to find work. I haven't yet to know how it works. I'm just wondering if you have and how they've worked.