Lived Experience Forum

[Zoe7]

Just like many others here @Doglover sharing parts of our journeys is easy in such a supportive environment. I have had incredible support from members here over the last couple of years and it really has made a massive difference to me - that is the power of this community - and now you are part of that and I hope will have the same amount of support. 

I think it is great that you read a bit before you joined up - gives you a sense of how things work and the way everyone supports each other. Feel free to jump into threads/conversations when you feel comfortable to do so and get to know some other members as you work your way around.

I fully understand that feeling of 'this is it - there is no more for me' but I think my story is proof that it is possible to get through and get to something better again. I never thought I would get back to work and I really had lost any hope that I could come out the other side functioning more than just surviving each day/ I still struggle sometimes to get through the days but I do have more good days than not good and that continues to improve. From where I have come from to now is a world apart. I did not want to face each day, I felt that I was better off not being 'pasrt of this world' and many days I honestly wished I was not alive - so to get to where I am now is huge. It did take a lot of work to get here though - and it was definitely not an easy road ...a lot of therapy, a lot of redefining who I was, a lot of putting the past in the past and a lot of accepting that living in the moment is all we can really do. I still find all those things really difficult to do but continue to work on them all and I can honestly say that has changed my outlook in a massive way. ANother thing I have done is to accept that there is going to be bad days but not to dwell on them too much becuse they will pass.

In respect to your husband - it might be a good idea for you both to see a counsellor/psychologist but maybe after you have seen one yourself for a little while. Often getting that validation from a counsellor is good for both parties. Your husband wouold no doubt be feeling a range of feelings also - it is hard for others in a relationship to know what to do to help when they don't understand what is happening - and that is even harder I suspect when you also don't really know what is happening. You are stuck in a difficult situation there yourself and if you can't explain it to yourself you certainly can't explain it to your husband ...that is where a good therapist can help.

SANE has a helpline - both phone and chat - where counsellors can provide support and referral to services in your area. I used the service a lot when I was at my worst and they were amazing support. Sometimes there are things you need to talk about that you cannot write on the forum and that is when the helpline comes in handy - it is not a counselling service as such but a great support when you need a little extra help.

[Doglover]

Thanks @MummaMia, yes it has been a real blessing so far! Im glad a joined, and posted.
Thank you.

[Doglover]

Hi @Zoe7,

Thanks so much for your support and advice. I have certainly been receiving a lot of support from my original 2 posts and for that i am so grateful! Its nice to not feel so alone. And i feel like by being able to come on here and share what im going through, my struggles and fears, and ask questions, its less of a burden that my husband has to carry which is a good thing. Speaking from experience, being the sole support of a person with MI is too much of a burden for 1 person to have to carry. I guess thats why its so important that we have a network of support. Im not there yet with the health professionals side of things, but joining and communicating on this forum seems to be fast becoming part of that network of support which is great!

I think it is amazing where you have come from and where you are today. It is such an encouragement to people like me who are at the earlier stages of this journey and fearing what the future may hold. I too have wondered how many more days of this i can bare, but am not feeling quite so fearful and hopeless as i was before coming on here.

What you wrote in regard to the work that you have done - "a lot of therapy, a lot of redefining who I was, a lot of putting the past in the past and a lot of accepting that living in the moment is all we can really do" just rings so true to me - that is exactly what i need to do! I hope that i am able to find the right therapist/psychologist/counsellor to support me and help me to work through these things. I have experienced so many traumatic things in  the past (which i have no doubt many people with MI have) and i know they have impacted my life tremendously to this day. I really want to work through the trauma and impact of those things so that i too can let the past be in the past and move on to a happier, free-er future.

I agree with what you said about my husband - makes a lot of sense. And yes he is going through a lot himself, trying to come to terms with all this, trying to understand something that at the moment, his mind just wont allow him to understand, seeing the woman he loves going through so much and not being able to do anything about it, at the same ttime frustrated that i cant do anything about it! Its a difficult time for both of us, and im conscious of not overburdening him - being able to share and communicate and be heard on this forum has helped with that so that is great.

Thanks again for all your invaluable advise @Zoe7  and the time you take to respond with practical wisdom, encouragement and support. It really has been such a blessing already!

[Zoe7]

It has been my pleasure to help you out @Doglover but I also appreciate your kind words 

I think you are right that many of us here have exoerienced some form of trauma that has no doubt lead to our problems with MI. Without going into it too much we can appreciate that everyone has had things in their lives that have had a very negative impact on each of us. For me the real crunch came when I was being re-traumatised in therapy. It was actually a real turning point for me. My GP stopped my sessions and supported me by seeing her every day before I could get in to see the psychiatrist. It was a really difficult time for me but it also lead me to the reaslisation - with help from the pdoc - that I could not revisit the past as it was too painful to do so. Everything we have worked on since has been in trying to learn to live in the moment and look forward rather than back. I cannot change the past and although it has had a significant impact on my life and who I am it has also made me the person I am now - some of who I am needs to change to move forward but the essence of who I am is hopefully a better version of who I could have been without the experiences I have had, I do believe that my 'life' experiences have made me a more empathetic and caring person but they have also left me with major trust issues - that is something I continue to work on. Life is certainly complicated but we can onlly be who we are and hope with that to also improve as human beings. For you I suspect it is just as much about finding yourself again as it is working through what has already gone before - and both are okay. From the way you write I can see that you are prepared to put in the work - you just need that support around you to do that. ...and it is wonderful that you have started here with us and can find some solace in the supportive power of this community - and I am priviledged to be part of your journey 

[Doglover]

Thanks @Zoe7 , you have a wonderful way of expressing yourself.

What you said about being re-traumatised in therapy is very interesting. I dont know the right sort of therapy path to go down. The mental health care plan that the gp does gives you subsidised psychologist appointments but i dont really know what that entails or what benefit i may get out of it. My understanding is that they focus on cbt, retraining thought patterns etc. My brother thinks i need to take a more aggressive approach and see a psychotherapist - not rly sure what they do either but his understanding is that they do more of the delving back into the past traumatic events but i dont know how that would be of benefit either. Like, once theyve got you to relive this trauma - then what?

What sort of health professional were you seeing when that happened for you? When it comes to counselling, would you recommend a certain type of health professional over another? I certainly like the approach of learning to live in the moment and looking forward rather than back, and i would certainly like to change unhealthy thought processes that lead to unhealthy avoidance behaviours, which only serves to increase fear. I certainly want to move forward in my life and not continue to be held back by fear, but i dont really know where to start with that, or who the right type of person is to help me through that process.

Finding myself again... yes indeed! So much of who i thought i was, what i thought was important, the 'superwoman' mentality - its all been shattered! Which is not necessarily a bad thing. I just need to work out who the new me is, and what really matters to this new me, and what is unnecessary - struggling and striving, people pleasing, just about killing myself to be everything to everybody and making sure everyone else is happy, oh, and not wanting anyone to think anything bad of me - none of it is conducive to living a life where inner peace is possible. I dont want to be that person anymore. I cant be that person anymore, its like its all been stripped away. Now im raw and vulnerable and completely stripped back, ready to put the pieces of the new me together. But unfortunately, need to deal with this overwhelming anxiety and all the symptoms that go along with that first!

Thank you for sharing, for allowing me to share and helping me in these early stages of my journey towards acceptance, healing and growth. 

I wish you the very best in your continued healing and recovery. You have come so far, i hope it is something that brings you great comfort and sense of achievement to see just how far you have come! I look forward to being able to say that for myself one day too!

Warm wishes to you @Zoe7  ☺

[Zoe7]

Hey @Doglover I was seeing my psychologist and doing EMDR and CBT when I was continuing to be re-traumstised. I persisted for a few sessions until it became overwhelming. I saw my GP after each session and she finally stopped it as I could not function at all afterwards. I was seeing my pdoc as well by this stage and she agreed with my GP that it was too much for me. I did start DBT a couple of months after stopping seeing the psych and that has been really good for me. It concentrates more on the present and how we deal with our thoughts. I see my pdoc after those sessions to talk about what we did in DBT and discuss anything it brought up for me. It is a course I would highly recommend. 

I think it is good you are seeing your GP for a referral to see a psych - it is a good start. It is always difficult to begin to see someone but you also need to be open with what you expect to get out of the sessions. Be as open and honest as you can be with what you are going through. It may be that you work on the current anxiety issues rather than the past but that is something you can talk about with the psych. 

Medication significantly helped me too but it took a long time to get to the point I am now with meds. I had a lot of differnet med changes over nearly 2 years until we found ones that work and didn't have unwanted side effects. 

Currently I am on a few different meds, still doing DBT (but finishing up soon), see my pdoc fortnightly and GP on alternative weeks, and have psych appointments every couple of months. I was seeing each of them every week but not needing that same level of support now which is good. 

As for who you are now - you can only be who you are and find ways to live with that for now. I think we get caught up in the what ifs and maybes and that stops us living in the moment. Trying to live with what we have but striving for something better only works if we can accept our current reality and then do little things to change it positively. It is often the little things that all combined make the bigger things work. I spend time snuggling with Toby and that cuddle time helps to ground me in the moment - it is those little things that we often do not recognise as being so important because we are constantly looking at the big picture and that can be overwhelming. DBT has significantly helped me with appreciating those little moments and helped me to live more in the moment.

[Doglover]

Hi @Zoe7 ,

Thanks for all that information. Who did you do the DBT through? Like what sort of health professional? Wow, you were really blessed to have that amazing support from your gp through that exceptionally difficult time. Your pdoc - is that your psychiatrist? And you are able to talk with them about the DBT session and what that brought up for you? Thats amazing. Is that in the public health sector or do you have a private specialist? I havent come across care and commitment like that in the public sector, not where i am anyway.

How do you go about finding a good psych? Or is it more that you just get what your given in the public sector? Ive been to psychs several times before to deal with fears and phobias but didnt feel like it really got me anywhere. Happy to do the work if its going to help, but dont want to waste my time again.

As much as being on meds is a big fear for me, i know i need to. I mean, i am now but there just not doing much, so im really hoping that something positive will come out of todays appt with the psychiatrist in that way. Something that will help with the anxiety and all the related symptoms so that i can move on with doing the work in myself to heal, to face my fears, and to retrain my thought patterns to enable me to live life in a more positive and constructive way, instead of shrinking back from things due to fear.

Getting caught up in the what ifs and maybes - thats me right now! What if this is all there is? What if i never get better? What if i cant  go back to work? What if work decides enough is enough and no longer holds my job open for me? What if my husband cant deal with this anymore and leaves? Etc, etc, etc! So as you can see, i need some work in that area!!!

You're lucky that you have a dog that loves snuggles. I have a beautiful fur baby, border collie/kelpie/staffy bitsa, but shes a bit aloof. She likes being in your general vicinity (like in the same room), but hates cuddles, with a passion! She sighs and hurrumphs if you give her a cuddle! So have to be content with just being around her, otherwise she would be getting cuddles all the time!

I agree,  we so often look at the big picture and that is indeed overwhelming when facing challenges like these.

Well thanks again for all your help @Zoe7 . I hope today is a good day! Give Toby a cuddle from me! 😊

[BryanaCamp]

hi @Doglover welcome to the forums.

I'm single & live by myself with my cat so I can't imagine what married life means but I understand some of your fears. I love dogs too. I sympathise with your aloof doggy situation, my cat is so unlike the very affectionate cats I've always had, he tolerates my pats and affections more than he likes them! But he has taught me to be a calm & responsible parent - he's always getting into scraps & visits to the vets have been frequent. He does now come for a cuddle on the couch with me and I put him to bed on my bed 'cos I have disturbed sleep & like the comfort of a little buddy sleeping next to me.

I found talking therapies only made me enraged or more psychotic & my reality more nightmarish. I tried lots, got fired by some for my rage, got yelled at by one for being too helpless. I always thought meds were bad/ineffective and that I had no psychiatric condition. But finally I found a good psychiatrist & the right meds. This is just my individual experience - my psychiatrist said I respond unusually well to meds. (I also repsond unusually bad to talking therapies so that's just something I have to accept about myself). I always went private because I was able to ask extended family for financial support & didn't trust the public system - maybe paranoia, dunno.

I've been unemployed for 7 years due to my mental illness. Only the start of this year started applying for work, fingers crossed I can get something this year in a library. I'm trying to be patient. That's awesome your employer is holding your job open for you, they sound great. What kinda work do you do? I find part-time work is the most I can manage, max 3 days/week. Working full time only ever made me sick mentally & physically so I've had to accept that reality. I currently volunteer 1 day a week & am feeling burnt out from the guy I volunteer with as he's is deeply negative & cynical, even tho the staff are great & supportive, I feel it's he's taking a toll on me.

I'd also become entirely isolated due to mental illness. Didn't see some family members for 10 years, no friends, very lonely for 7 years. The past 2 years I've tried very hard to put myself out there & meet new people. Mainly through meetup. It was a painful process but now I finally have various friends & a social life. There is still some I feel a bit conflicted about in those relationships - my family doesn't understand my MI and I don't tell many of my friends about it because they are all well & normal & not medicated and just don't get it. So I kind of censor some of what I say to my friends & family and am totally honest about my MI just here on the forums & with my psychiatrist.

I hope it helps a bit to know you are not alone. You sound very keen to engage in talking therparies both individual and group - that's great, it could be very therapeutic for you. Do you like talking to people and relating to people - that's what therapy involves so could be a good guide to see how you'd go. Can you get financial support to get the therapies of your choice? I know it's not easy asking for money and not easy taking it but I've found it's worth the effort to get good help.

[Zoe7]

Yes pdoc is psychiatrist - one of the acronyms we use here on the forum @Doglover 

DBT is done as a day program - through my private cover so I don't have to pay for it as it is covered as an inpatient for half a day each week. The pdoc appointment on the same day is included in the half day as an inpatient. It is one of those things I am glad I have private cover for ...dental is the other one 

The facilitaotor who runs DBT is a registered psychologist - she has a private practice as well and I have seen her when my other supports have all been away at the same time - she is very good with individual therapy as well as a very skilled facilitator for DBT.

If things come up in DBT the individual pdoc session afterwards is to discuss that - especially if there have been any triggers ...which did happen in the first few months but not so much of late. Before I began DBT I had to pay for my pdoc sessions but she bulk billed me for many of them because I couldn't afford to go. She told me to not miss a session because of money that she would sort that out so I had very good service from her as well. My GP bulk bills and has done from after the first few visits. My psychologist has aso been bulk billing me as she is the same as my pdoc - she doesn't want me to miss sessions because of money. 

I am only working 4 days a week and it is hard keeping up the mortgage payments and all the bills with less money but I am slowly getting on top of it all. Having all my health professionals bulk bill has helped me so much - and that continuity of care has been maintained as a result. I do have an amazing support team and I am very lucky to have them all ...but as my pdoc continues to say - I have done the work. I have never missed an appointment and done everything sked of me (even though sometimes that has been incredibly hard). Even through the really tough times I have reached out for support ...apart from those couple of times that it all got too much for me 

As for my psych - I think I got lucky. I actually had a referral to another couple of psychs but could not get in to see them for over a month. My GP did a lot of that ground work. We finally got in to see my present psych by chance - the one I was referred to wasn't available but I got an appointment with someone else in the practice as there had been a cancellation and it just hapened to be the owner of the practice - and she is exceptional. She was amazing from the first day I met with her and I really was not in a good way then. Between her and my GP - and this forum - I got through after being very suicidal for quite some time.

I know that others do not or have not had the kind of support that I have had - I wish they did because it not only saved my life but has helped me move forward. I did not think I would ever get back to work - I could not see any future at all so for a long time work didn't even enter into the equation - it was purely staying alive and getting through each day. Life then began to slowly change - a lot of that I put down to the right meds, consistent sleep and support.

I suppose I am telling you all this because it can feel like you can't ever move forward, you can't ever get 'better' or have a life worth living but I hope my journey is an example that no matter how bad it seems - just hold on to each day, get through as best you can and get to tomorrow. We do not know what the future holds but we can hope for it to be better. Hope, inner strength and courage to seek the support needed go a very long way when you feel you are losing the fight ...and the wonderful people on the forum and within SANE have helped me no end in continuing that fight.

[Doglover]

Hi @BryanaCamp , thanks for sharing. Sounds like u may have been in denial for a while, which i think has been the case with me! Im glad u wre able to get onto the right mix of meds that hav rly helped u. I seem to b the opposite - dont respond well to meds, have tried several that have not been good for me at all. Am starting on a new one tonight - i so hope it works!

It sounds like youve been on an incredibly long and tough road! Im sorry. It sounds very positive tho that u are now looking at returning to work. Thats great! I hope the right job comes up for you! I could only do part time work too, even before this happened and i didnt have an anxiety problem. I worked 25 hrs a week due to severe fibromyalgia, cfs and other health issues. My job was/is good in some ways but very very stressful and pressured, always critical deadlines, trying to do 1.5-2 full time jobs when im supposed to be working 25 hours a week (which i didnt. Often working from home til late at night trying to get critical work done). I had been telling them for ages that i was at breaking point but nothing changed and, well, here i am. I broke! It wasnt entirely the work situation, there were a lot of other factors that came into play, but that was a part of it. Just before i left, they put in place changes to reduce my workload, but it was too little too late. Im hoping they will realise that they played a part in my not being able to work and feel bad enough that they keep holding my job open until im ready to come back, whenever that may be! 

I would like to be able to go private for treatment as i do think that makes a difference but unfortunately not possible!

It must have been such a hard road for you all those years being isolated from people due to MI. Very tough. I dont know how you managed it, but somehow you did! Has it been since you got onto the right meds that you have been able to start pushing yourself to get out there and meet people?

Re therapies, i am somewhat of a talker, but at the same time, i dont think just talking is enough. Its nice to be able to talk about what youre going through, but i dont think that in itself brings healing and recovery. Not sure that i have the answers as to does, but there needs to more to it than that. Not exactly sure where to from here, but getting a referral to a psychologist so will see how that goes. Havnt really found them to be very helpful in the past, hoping this time will be different. All through public system unfortunately. 

Well thanks again @BryanaCamp for taking the time to reply. I really do wish you all the best in your continued recovery and in finding the right job.

Warm wishes to you.

Ps: sorry for any typos and abbreviations, am on my phone and its very temperamental! Almost impossible to go back and fix typos!