Lived Experience Forum

[Stroppy]

I'm a newbie.  I've been searching the net looking for ways to deal with my panic attacks and generalised anxiety disorder.  I've also been diagnosed with depression and "Cancerphobia".

My condition led to me being pensioned off out of my career in my early 50s.  Fortunately I'm coping financially but otherwise my life is a wreck.  The medications, especially Sql, caused my weight to balloon and one of the side effects of this was that I have now been diagnosed with type II diabetes.  I can cope with the diabetes and I'm desperately trying to deal with the weight but the drugs no longer seem to be working, especially the Sql.  I am easily "spooked" and will fall into anxiety quite readily.  A doctor only has to mention that I might have cancer to spark a full-blown panic attack.  I know the cause of this...both my parents died quite young with cancers that could not be effectively treated.  Both died terrible deaths and really made all the talk of palliative car providing comfort and relief sound like so much claptrap as both mum and dad suffered terribly.  I tried desperately to help them, researching every new treatment, etc...all to no avail.  It left me with a massive dread of the disease and I cannot even bear hearing about friends or acquantances developing the illness.

I have had lengthy periods where I have been relatively well and free of the anxiety but after a recent spinal operation I felt the anxiety return in a big way.  A nurse told me that some people with anxiety disorders seem to be easil affected by anaesthetics which she found could trigger anxiety in poeple so prone to the condition.  Anyway, after the operation the pain could be quite bad at times and one night the pain and the anxiety were really making life unbearable.  I had no appetite (the usual signal for me that the anxiety is starting) and I was on edge.  An older nurse came in to see me, worried that I had not eaten for the whole day.  She checked the meds I was allowed to have and decided to give me an intra-muscular injection of morphine.  About ten minutes later the anxiety had beaten a hasty retreat and I started to feel quite good.  The effect lasted all night and into the next morning.  The anxiety came back in the afternoon.  Later that night I was given a second shot of morphine to quell the pain and the anxiety, once again, abated very quickly.

When I was released from hospital I was given a packet of Endone and a packet of Oxycontin (XR) in case of pain.  A day or two later I had quite a bit of discomfort and so I took one of the Oxycontin tablets.  Away went the pain and away went the anxiety.  So now I was terrified.  I was battling my urge to take the tablets again just for the anxiety.  I have never been addicted to anything...cigarettes, alcohol...nothing...but the urge to take just one more Oxycontin tablet to battle the anxiety is very strong.  So far I have been winning the battle...steering clear of the medicine cupboard but the temptation is strong.

I know CBT and "talk therapy" doesn't work on me...my psychiatrist even agreed with that, saying that my anxiety (born of catastrophising) was too strong to be dealt with by thoughts or talk alone.  So now what do I do?  I want the anxiety to leave me alone.  I just want to live out the rest of my life in peace with my beautiful dog and in my peaceful neighbourhood.

[Zoe7]

Hi @Stroppy and Welcome to the forum. I am just about to head offline and there doesn't seem to be many people around tonight. Before I leave I just wanted to welcome you and let you know that there is alot of really wonderful supportive and compassionate people on here.Have a look through some of the other threads on here to see how other people have been able to 'manage' or 'cope with' their anxiety. The best place to start is by simply typing in Anxiety into the search forum bar - then read a few of those posts.

Once you start finding your way around it becomes easier to drop into conversations or start new ones. 

It is a very supportive and welcoming community here where everyone is listened to and valued.I hope you find what you are looking for here.

Once again - welcome and goodluck 

[Stroppy]

Thanks so much for your reply. I shall do as you suggest.

[Zoe7]

Your welcome @Stroppy. I am going to try toget some sleep now - easier said than done on the majority of nights - but there are a couple of people still around. There is a thread called Night Shift - I'll jump on there and tag you from there to get you started.

[Stroppy]

Thanks again.

[Zoe7]

Goodmorning @Stroppy I hope you had a chance to look around the forum last night. Any questions - or just need to talk - we are around for you. Hope your day has some light in it...

Zoe 

[Former-Member]

Hi "newbie" @Stroppy, welcome to the forums. Guessing you found us searching the net re anxiety disorder, depression.

Never heard of 'cancerphobia' before (my blonde brain thought it was an out of control form of anxiety, lol), but who doesnt have a fear of cancer? Or any other potential life threat? Especially when its linked in with painful grief experiences like your circumstances.I think its 'a normal response to an abnormal situation'

Some of these 'diagnostic' labels are just an expensive play on words that serve 'the system' and overpaid lazy professionals who add to our suffering (oh sorry, I don't have a high opinion of psychiatry), moving on.

Being being 'pensioned off' before retirement is crushing for many, I know when I had to face this (similar to you) it threw me into an existential crisis for years. Coping financially is a bonus, and I'm thankful I do have my own place (120yo Brocken down cottage) in a peaceful town at least. Keeps landords & agents off my back. I'm sorry you feel the rest of your life is ' a wreck ' (I'm guessing you mean relationships?), loneliness is hard, money can't buy everything anyway.

And yes, there's nothing like heavy 'weight gain' to practically 'finish' us (so much for 'do no harm' medicine, ha! oops -/there I go again), and the barrage of health battles that that brings on, inc diabetes.

I hear you loud & clear 'so sick of it all' Many of us here are in the same boat so I'm glad you're here and know you'll find a soft place to land with us.

My biggest battle with weight is STAYING ACTIVE, especial when facing physical pain, social anxiety, ptsd, medication side effects & depression of cause grr. Its as if society wants us to be like Superman while giving us little cryptonite pills (how rediculous!).

I don't think there's any single answer - but many little ones.

If your medication seems to no longer be working (especially the antipsychotic intended for conditions you apparently don't have, hmm ), i'm wondering if you could negotiate with your Dr to wheen off it. Alao, I'd be getting a second opinion or another more flexible Dr.

I 'get' that you're a bit of a 'nervous Nelly' - "easily spooked" into anxiety responses. Especially to the 'C' word (cancer). You don't have to be perfect/you know..

I'm so sorry both your parents died to cancer but also suffered terribly before their time. That must have been so hard to watch for you & your family, not receiving adequate palliative care seemingly so readily available to the rich. 'Claptrap" describes your disgust and anger with the system well. Your fear of what might be ahead of you is entirely justified. That feeling of 'dread' is perfectally understandable given what you experienced.

I just had a thought wondering, since they BOTH died, is it possible their cancer is a result of exposure and not genetic at all??

My mum has dropped two dress sizes in two years since her terminal untreatable cancer diagnosis. Shes frightened and angry at the prospect of dying, even in her 80's, but she has fight and mostly maintaining her independence so far, defying the odds.

I'm glad that most the time you feel relatively well and free of the anxiety, before recent surgery, that is hopeful you'll find that place again.

I'm wondering too if anaesthetic and the drugs used during your recent spinal operation has messed with your body chemistry & triggered the anxiety (which means its temporary).

Also, is it possible that the hospital environment bought back bad memories and feelings of helplessness?.

I found barbiturates and analgesics dangerous for me as their initial affect relaxes me briefly and makes me feel 'normal' - without fear or pain.

Pain & analgesia seriously suppresses appetite, as does depression. It doesn't mean you're gonna end up in a full blown anxiety state.

Of cause a 'M' injection (a strong opiate anslgesia) temporarily took away your anxiety, while treating the pain in hospital, that's what its designed to do, after painful surgery, but also why its such an addictive street drug. So, of cause the urge is strong to keep taking its Tablet form at home. And i hear you re resisting SI temptation. You know you can return these drugs the pharmacy or flush them. I know @Former-Member (if she's up to it) has developed strategies overcoming this same battle this last year too, hi Teej. Youre right, we have to NOT go there, not even in our thinking, and in keeping the option open re having the means. Get rid of it. This is hard I know as its your 'out' But I put it to you that there are better ways, and joyful days ahead worth living for.

You know, we're not meant to take 'it all' on at once, in our thinking, but break it down to address it in smaller incriments. Even God does not req us to address more than the troubles in a single day (it's impossible to fully control the future or change the past) so 'present moment' philosophy is great in helping with anxiety (inc catastrophising).

You said: "I want the anxiety to leave me alone" We cant keep running away from things we fear, like grief, and the pain of anxiety, by pushing it down, we have to acknowledge them and let them pass, we have to GO THROUGH IT TO GET THROUGH IT. When we push it down and avoid facing things there's a build up that comes back to bite us eventually, i've learned (panic attacks, illness...). Being mindful' daily about our how we feel and our immediate surroundings helps address this I have learned. Do you practise mindfulness and self compassion?

I think your dream "to live out the rest of life in peace, with a companion, even a x4 legged one, is a fair enough goal for our 'latter' years. And maybe also a hobby, a garden and a couple of friends.

Stay safe, be kind to yourself xox

[getbetter]

Hello @Stroppy  I know the feeling of pain medication taking your troubles away and it is a pity we can't develop antidepressants as good, but it is a trap, opiates and benzo's can work very well for a short time, then they loose their potency as your body down regulates and you build resistance, I had a gall stone attack recently, went to hospital got a shot for pain and it was like, ok lets get back to work, I don't know what I have been wingeing about, but it does not last long, my dr will prescribe one of these for me to use in an emergency when things get very bad, but I am aware to only use them in those circumstances as abusing them means they will stop working.

[Stroppy]

Hi Getbetter and Tawney.  We've obviously been along the same road to a greater or lesser extent.  I thank you both for your encouragement.

What makes me very angry with myself is that I know that my thoughts are totally irrational (or needlessly catastrophic) but I just can't seem to control them.  All the self-talk and CBT in the world has done precisely zero.  When the anxiety comes on it takes two forms.  Sometimes it is a severe and intense attack which completely obliterates my ability to operate as a human being.  I lie in bed, close to bawling my eyes out, unable to motivate myself to do anything...no appetite...nothing.  Then the severity dies down into what a doctor might call GAD and then, after a few days or, sometimes, weeks, it lets go.

A friend of mine asked me to describe the feelings as he had never been touched by anxiety or depression.  The best explanation I could give him was to imagine that he had just been confronted by his scariest fear (like a snake near his leg) but that the object of his fear was not actually real.  I asked him to imagine the fear of that situation (like being terrified of the snake) and then told him that the fear would not subside when the offending object or situation was removed.  That it would keep injecting his stomach with adrenaline even though, rationally, the instigator of the fear had been long removed.  I told him that no amount of physical or mental effort on his part would stop the fear and that it would go on for days or weeks.  He was mortified.  I told him, "the adrenaline tap has been left running in your stomach and you can't turn the bloody tap off!"  He went away less inclined to think I was a mental weakling and more inclined to think that I was, most definitely, ill.

As I said in my first post in this thread...I'm sick of all of this.  The drugs don't seem to do anything.  Oh, they help for a while but then I feel like I'm taking them for nothing...just because I've been told by a doctor to do so.  I have tried TCMS and apart from giving me a headache from all the electronic clicking it did b#gger-all to help.

If I won a huge amount in Tattslotto I would fund some neurosurgeons to look at some way to permanently alter the brain chemistry through immunotherapy or gene therapy.  If depression and GAD are caused by faulty receptors in the brain it follows that the conditions must be reversible with the correct procedures.  I want to live long enough to see a simple therapy developed that will do away with this curse.  I also want to see cancer defeated by immunotherapy.  Scientists are already making this happen with some cancers so there is light at the end of the tunnel.

I know we cannot live forever...I know we all must leave this mortal coil when our time has come BUT I would love to see life being enjoyable for all of humanity...free of disease, mental diseases, war, famine and pestilence.  How dearly would I love to see all the instruments of war made obselete...all our attentions turned to righting all the problems of this world and humanity.  You see...I am too naive to live in this world, I think.  Just an old fool.

[Former-Member]

You're just an 'idealist' - someone with vision, but ya gotta not be so hard on yourself. @Stroppy 🙂 xox