Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

Hello,

It took about a year until my first bipolar 2 diagnosis (waiting for a second opinion, I don't trust my first psych) and I am still at the beginning to learn to live with bipolar, treatment for childhood trauma and PTSD, depression and anxiety - quite a freightening little list.

When I first started this journey I expected RECOVERY. I dismissed medication, psychiatrists and anything that even slightly suggested there was something wrong with me (well I still do lol). I thought it's like a broken foot, you fix it, it hurts for a while, you do a little Physio therapy and soon it seems it has never happened... Things have changed, goal posts have changed. I got so low in the last couple of months that my goal changed to SURVIVAL. Learning steps to keep me alive, learning to remember why I am here, why I want to stay here. Accepting that I need help - and need to take this seriously. Learning to breathe, when to take extra meds, when to get more support...

I have a lot of unresolved areas in my life, but I am also very very lucky for having a husband, who is my teenage sweetheart (and I think would just say to the psych - she's always been like that, what's wrong - lol, if he knew) a supportive son, now a great medical team (took a while), support in this forum and I mantained my job during the acute phase - well not sure if I am through that or have even had a glimpse at it to be honest.

I was always a value driven, goal setting person. At the moment my whole focus is on my mental health and staying in my job (sole earner). I am trying to expand my focus on spending more time with my husband, getting a little more healthy again (my exercise has gone down to zero and I put 20kg on) and I try and stay in touch with my son. I feel guilty to neglect my entire family and ignoring the split feelings I have for the lot (all) of them, any development in my career, any hobbies, interests... no consideration for spiritual development or my split feelings to religion and I do not initiate contact with friends.

I feel I am losing valuable time in my life, I feel like I may miss opportunities to spend time with my loved ones (the ones I don't want to talk to at the moment because they remind me of the past). I am scared to lose people and not have made the most of their living times (I have lost a LOT of people on my life) - I am scared to live with regrets one day - that the past got hold of me and some weird name of mental illness changed everything I ever valued in my life.

How do you start to get your life back?

I have learnt the hard way that tomorrow may never come and that everything in life can change in an instant. I feel so vulnerable and such a waste of time not to honour my time on this earth. I am in awe to age and be able to live in this beautiful country and all the lovely people I know - and here I am hiding because I lost myself in myself.

How do I get back to a new me? I think the old me is probably gone for good?

How did you "reinvent" yourself?!

[theaveragejoe]

Hi Flower,

I don't think that the old us ever leaves us. If it did, many of us would not have a mental disorder. But it remains with us for life. It is just that to the old you, you add new experiences and see things from new perspectives.

Medication is not all bad, it can actually be good if used sensibly and in combination with therapy. Medication and Therapy can be very effective in the initial stages. You can always decrease or cut the medication later, under the supervision of your therapist or doctor, as you continue with the therapy. 

Remember that people with bipolar do not trust anyone, and I mean no one. But we do need to force ourselves to trust someone if we want to get better.

Take a chance, Flower, and try to trust your treating doctors. See what happens. Fight against you desire to fear strangers and see if you can actually put your life in the hands of a therapist that you think is trying to help you.

I have had to do it once, and it was not easy. We must trust someone to get better. We need to give them a chance before we exclude them. As you force yourself to trust and you begin to trust the therapist you see that good things may actually happen. 

[Former-Member]

Thanks @theaveragejoe

I think I'm losing myself because I push away the past at the moment - to survive. All I get at the moment is memories that upset me, I don't know what happened to the good ones. I try to remember my mum hugging me when I was a child or her comforting me when I was upset - I cannot. And I know it's not true. But my mind is doing sad things to me at the moment.

How come bipolar people don't trust anyone? Yeah I have my doubts, all the time, but my GP normally debriefs me if necessary - for some reason I think he's ok, prob because he doesn't "hurt me" and I've known him a few years now.

I still keep fighting against going to hospital, but I am cooperative and taking my meds as requested (and nowadays without the inner battle to do so). I accept that these professionals do help me to stay alive.

Woooh putting my life in the hands of a therapist - that scares me. And then I get back in the cycle, where I refuse to open up because they send me home and I get sometimes really bad - and then they say they can help me more in hospital and I don't wanna do that...

Is it too early to ask to have parts of a normal life back? Should my life really just be about my mental health and keeping a job?

[Former-Member]

@Former-Member, hello.

You ask a good question "how do i remake myself?" I've been asking myself the same thing "what do i do now?" I guess it's not so much a case of losing the old self but trying to find a way to move forward with what we do have. Maybe.

Lately i've been doing some work on SELF COMPASSION. Its made me realise i I'm just as worthy as anyone else to have a life of peace & fulfilment. I was asked the question 'what do you LIKE doing?' I couldn't think of anything so i set my mind to NOTICING feelings during & after doing things throughout the day. Of cause there's the usual survival things like cleaning, work, driving, cooking, grooming the dog, a social interest group, visiting a friend, garden, exercise etc . I pulled out old hobbies I'd lost interest in force myself to push through not relearning again (sewing, guitar, craft, gardening, bible study).

Nothing seemed to be enjoyable but then i noticed after doing particular things, like sewing, i felt a little more energised and fulfilled. Not everything had this affect on me, and everyone's different, but there is 3 THINGS THAT FEED MY SOUL. These things have become what i do now. They are not big but the feed my soul, make me a better, more loving person just being me. Its a work in progress but we don't have to push these GIFTS in us, they come natural if we open & let it flow & like most living things, its growing.

Just a thought
Be gentle with yourself, you are enough 💜

[Appleblossom]

@Former-Member you are still you even though the dx have been made. "you are enough" is beautiful.

I did much the same as @Former-Member I didnt have an opinion about what I liked .. so I started to notice .. for me sewing was dropped as my eyes arent great ... but just steadily listen to your inner world and it can guide you.  I still try and do too much .. and maybe its a bit like the film Mr Holland's Opus ... where you keep working at things and dont realise how much you have actualy achieved.

[theaveragejoe]

Hi Flower,

first of all let me tell you that I was traumatized multiple times when a child so that I am talking from direct experience and, even though I am not a mental health expert, I am a survivor that has been able to recover.

if you are unable to open up with your therapist, that can be a problem because, from what I read, and I read extensively, therapy is the number one thing for PTSD but, problem is that opening up can be frightening. How do you tell your most private things to a therapist? But this is necessary if you want to recover. 

Medication helps but is not going to get to the bottom of the problems. Medication helps to calm you down, to suppress the problems, to buy you time to act (therapy); therapy can go right to the problems, to the open psychological wunds so that you can begin to heal.

I did intense studies when I was doing clinical psychology at University. Unfortunately, I had to discontinue my studies because my ideas where not in line with those of that University, which was mostly based on biology with very little person centered studies. For me the opposite is true.

When the child is traumatised, the child is unable to speak, to defend her or himself. Locked in this emotional silence the child cannot help her or himself. But when we grow up we have another chance and that is to go back with a therapist, revisit our past, tell the offending adults, in our head, what we think of them, even if they are not there in person, and we can then try to make sense of what happened by forgiving the offenders, and most importantly, forgive ourselves for not acting, for not telling them how wrong what they were doing was. This is a web of regrets and pain, of misery and silence, of inner torments. 

With the therapist we can revisit our terrible and traumatic past; we can try to find the courage to speak our mind; make sense of what happened, and hopefully move on. We will never forget but we can forgive and by so doing we will be reasonably free of the past. We make peace with the past and we expose the problems. This can do wonders for the subconscious mind.

But it takes tremendous courage. It take a lot of strength. But it is absolutely worth it. It is worth for you to try. It is not going to be easy but it can be done and you seem to me to be a very strong person, Flower. 

Find a therapist that you can learn to trust and do trust her or him and let them help you so that you can move on with your life. You deserve it and so does your family. If you feel that a female therapist may be better to tell your intimate things then seek a female therapist. Do find someone to trust. That is the key.

I did it, many of my friends have done it, and it can definitely be done. Not easy, but really worth it.

Those who think that they don't need to do it are mistaken. It is the only way that recovery can be achieved in PTSD. Revisit the past with a therapist and make peace with life and the people. There are wonderful people out there but sadly also many A*******

What do I know, you may ask? I was traumatised when I was a child, sexually abused, beaten, abandoned and traumatised multiple times to the maximum. I know what I am talking about, fromdirect  experience. I was like you are now. But you can get to where I am.

A good way to start is to buy a beautiful empty diary and begin to write about the past slowly, letting the pain and tears out gradually. SOmetimes when I did it it was so painful that I felt I could not go on. But I did, I cried, I suffered and I survived. I slowly let all of the psychological poison out of my system. This is a good start. YOu need to let it come out.

[Tyler77]

@Former-Member Hi!

I am still in the phase of apathy when I consider, life in general and my role to play in it.  I wan't always apathetic, but getting hit real hard with MI in my early twenties and finding out my dreams were likely out of reach because of it, really hurt and made me callous.  I am a recoving addict also.  Addicted to a medication, that makes my symptoms worsen, but makes me feel euphoric and manic, so I like it.  It took me 10 years to finally have enough and get the courage to quit that drug.  I'll have 15 days clean tomorrow. Which i am very proud of.  But the apathy remains.  Its as if, I worked so hard during my youth, and i did work hard, and worked and worked and wroked, and then my plans were ripped to shreds when i got diagnosed as schizoaffective, which is part bipolar and part schizophrenia.  I'm in my early 30's and if anything my apathy has gotten greater because most if not all of my friends, are progressing in life...you know buying a home, settling down, getting a career, some even having kids and going on expensive vacations.  I however, have no job.  I havent been able to keep one for more than 4-5 months.  I have few friends.  No woman wants anything to do with me, because I have no job, no car, no real future.  I am very very far below the poverty line.  I can take care of myself,sorta, but it has taken immense effort of my immediate family to make sure I take care of myself, shower, shave, eat, etc.  Because when left to myself, I just really couldnt give a hoot.  BUT...I hang on, because there is no real acceptable alternative.  Sometimes I just want to get back on my drugs, back drinking alcohol, take up smoking again, and drug myself into eurphoric oblivion.  BUT I know, that that, will only end in either Jails, Instiutions or death.  All of which I prefer to avoid.  So that keeps me clean, that keeps me sober, when the majority of me just wants to say "screw it!" and get messed up.

Depression is a serious issue for me too.  I think the hardest part about getting hit with a MI is the slowing down of life, so you got time to think.  With no job, no girlfriend, not many friends, being poor and only my family to rely on, I don't have alot during the day to distract myself.  And the worst thing I ever did was stop trying to find work, because of all the time I have up in my head.  All those memories come back..with a vengence!...I'm not kidding.  I'm talking about the painful memories, and i know each person has their own unique set of them, that litterally make you winse when you recall them.  Mine even get me talking to myself sometimes.  Its painfully obvious now, that during all this time, I was untreated MI.  And being Untreated for so long, lead to a whole bunch, I mean alot of these painful and awkward memories.  And me being stuck in life as I am currently, I got not much positive to replace them with.  

See, I know what I need to do.  I know, at least i think i do, what others in my situation should probably do.  Which is work with my medical team, get the help i need, get a job, join regular working life, start looking for companionship, be upfront about my illness, and my life should get better.  BUT the apathy just won't dissapate.  I'm just too plagued with bad memories and stimatizing myself, to believe in a possibility of good future for myself....Sorry for rambling into my story for so long, but it feels good to get this off my chest.

Returning to your reinventing yourself, and your questions.  Realize that there are alot of successful people in the world who are well known and even famous that suffer from Bipolar illnesses.  Yet, they remain in the limelight, remain gainfully employed and retain the respect from their peers.  They did not have to reinvent themselves when they were diagnosed..  Why should you?

[Sahara]

Hi @Former-Member and all,

I can relate to a lot off what you are saying. Things change when you have a mental illness; it doesn't just magically go away with treatment and then you are back to where you began, better than new. Things are different.

For me, it's better that I've changed and my life has changed because the way I was living before played a huge part in making me unwell to begin with! 

So I can not separate my MI from my lived experience. I cannot say "Things were going along just great until I happened to develop this disorder, out of the blue."  Can any of us really say that? I would love to hear from someone who was perfectly happy and at peace and who knew with conviction who they were and where they were going in life and then just suddenly "came down" with MI, like catching the 'flu. I don't believe this happens.

I do believe that MI has a genetic component. I think some of us are unfortunately prone to getting it; it could only be a matter of time before it catches up with us. But there are also triggers in our life events that cause MI to manifest at a certain time and place. Many of these triggers may be beyond our control.

For me, I firmly believe that it was living in a dysfunctional relationship with my former partner that had a lot to do with me developing severe depression. That and working in a job for up to 12 hours a day that I did not even enjoy (even though it was prestigious and considered essential work by the community.)

There was no joy in my life.

In order to get better, I had to make a break with my former partner and leave my job. I then had to assert my independence from my family of origin, who were unhelpful in the extreme. I did not stop loving them; I just decided to start doing things my own way. It was a mammoth task.

I then had to face my own loneliness and helplessness and begin slowly, doing the things I could do. Sometimes this was only enjoying some quiet time, laying in the sun. Sometimes it was more challenging, like going back to university to study again. 

It took time and effort. I really did have to see things differently. I had to cast off the expectations of others..... others who would have been more than happy for me to go back to slaving away at a job I hated! (to put me in my place?) 

@Former-Member, it is early days, yet. Keep on forging ahead. You can do it.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Former-Member. I am very much thinking the same thing. I can't see a life where I 'fit in' or feel ok about it. I know I can't go back to my old life but am struggling to set goals that begin to build a future. For the past few years I have been only staying alive so I don't damage my kids and leave them alone at such a difficult age. But this wasn't living this was waiting to die. My counsellor recently has started to help me build hope but I'm yet to work out how to start living a life worth living. This sounds depressing and I didn't want it to but I just wanted to acknowledge that building a new us is daunting and feels full of confusion and uncertainty.

@Tyler77 I get a lot of what you said too. Although I've had the partner and the kids my happy ever after didn't work out. I am also at a similar point in that I rely on my family currently and have no job and struggle financially.

@Sahara as always it's nice to hear your optimistic take on things and to hear how you pushed through to build a life. It helps to hear these stories.

[Former-Member]

Sorry posted too soon. I also wanted to acknowledge what @Former-Member and @Appleblossom said. Hobbies are the kind of thing my metal health team are trying to help me engage in so its good to hear your advice on this.

@theaveragejoe I totally agree with getting a therapist who you can trust. It makes so much difference.
😊💜