Lived Experience Forum

[Tyler77]

Anyone else running a serious deficit in the friends department?

What are you doing to find people similar to you that you can form a bond with?

[Sahara]

Hi @Tyler77,

since moving to a new town, I have found it very difficult to make friends. I think a small part of it is that I have social anxiety and generalized anxiety, but it's also hard to meet people who have a similar lifestyle and interests to me.  

You see, I don't have kids, whereas most women my age do. (I'm 46) And also, I'm not especially career-focused. I'm not a driven, materialistic go-getter. I'm neither a career woman, nor a Mum! I'm something a bit different. 

I guess I'm best described as an artist.... I have a master's degree in art and I love to paint and draw and also make sculpture. But my art-work is not conventional. I don't just paint pretty pictures of local wild-life! Nope. I don't make art that other people can easily understand. 

I have a lot of new acquaintances, but no new friends. I have some old friends from way back, but they don't live in this town. One of my old friends believes that my problems are all in my head. She thinks that I have a bit of a negative attitude towards other people because I don't see them as being anything like me. I suppose this could be true. 

I am quite good at making small talk with people when I am in the mood. But it's hard to find something deeper. 

My best bet would be to meet other artists.... and I have tried. Most of the artists in this town are retired people who are much older than me. They are lovely but it's hard to find a real connection as they are not people who have ever studied art and they only paint quaint landscapes. I suppose I sound very condescending.  Sorry. It's just that I often feel I don't belong here in this town.

A few other things have happened over the last 12 months or so that have made me pretty stressed-out and anxious, so I am probably not in the right frame of mind to be making a lot of friends.

[Tyler77]

That makes sense @Sahara

I also am moving to a new town soon, where i know noone.  But that has its advantages, as I get to start over.  I am struggling with addiction, and i am 6 days clean from Adderall, so I can attend N.A. meetings where ex addicts can support eachother.  I've found some decent people that way.  Also, since I don't drink I have A.A. to draw on as well.  

I am also young (32), and I am not married with no kids and not very career focused.  So its tough as most of my friends are either the family guy/gal now or trying to work their way up the corporate ladder.  Such stuff actually bores me.  I have no interest in much of either.  

Not drinking, Not drugging, No bars, kinda greatly reduces my social spheres to draw from.  But with N.A. and A.A. i can find alot of people like that.  

I tried to get involved with my local mental health clinic as they have social events weekly. I've attended more than a few events and the extent of peoples MI varies dramatically.  Some are hard to tell if they are employees or patients, others are obviously significantly impaired.  Most are of the latter variety.  These people need friends, and im more than happy to offer my friendship to them, but its difficult. 

I'm well educated, I have a bachelors in Law and minor in business.  I was going for the money till i got my diagnosis in my early to mid twenties.  How my views have changed since then!  Its amazing what a devestating event like being diagnosed with MI can do to ones compassion for others who might be suffering also. 

I'm not into art very much.  But I go to exibits when I can.  My mother was a art historian major.  So i have some taste and im well cultured despite the fact i wanted to be a attorney lol.  

What kind of paintings do you paint? Abstract, impressionist? realism? expressionism? Photo realism? etc.

[Sehnsucht]

When in my early twenties, I had a great many people 'concerned' about me, and who liked me, and cared about me, but I never got invited anywhwere. Never had anyone come by.

I joined a vegan group, as this was an interest, and joined their meet ups. Met loads of people, and having a common topic that rarely deviated made life easier. I eventually warmed into it, and made two great friends. Only, they were both 10yrs my senior and ended up attracted to me, one even asked me on a formal date. This didn't upset me, but it did make me wonder what more I could get from somehow reconnecting with those my age. And I am someone who has struggled with peers my whole life.

I had spent my teens on adolescent wards, and ill, so I had no idea what people my age may have done in those years, or what it was like to live through all that and shape who they were now.


So, I went off travelling.

Well, travels were intended, but essentially I lived in a backpackers in Auckland for 10 months, worked, and just thew away all ideas of who I was (not hard, so much conflict at the time surrounded my identity), and played with assuming different personalities, interests, backgrounds (yeah.... essentially compulsively lying). Mostly to observe other peers, to guage what was desirable and what wasn't. Also to participate in the activities and social things that I believed most by my age had experienced. But also to just be free, and act on impulse. I figured the worst that could happen was me becoming homeless, and this would put me in a position where I would through necessity, be focussed and become resourceful.

So I never did become homeless (well, I don't count a long stay in a backpacker's homeless per se, but actually I did through this experience learn that others were homeless and staying, for a time, at the backpackers), but I did have many broke moments, that made me learn when it is neccessary to rein in impulse, to keep track, or to find solutions that worked around circumstance. My bulimia became non-existent.

And a lot of all this positive change, was through just simply being in the presence of others. Even when silent in a room full of people, you are considered. You consider them. There was such a large variety and scope of people that I had surrounding me 24/7, that I did eventually find my natural personality and fit. And through some harsh realities being highlighted ("Sehnsucht, we like you, but you're constantly talking over people. It makes being with you hard"), I learnt practical things I could work on in order to make friendships more two-way, rather than me just clinging to someone and hoping they'd stay.

This is not a very practical solution for most, I imagine! But the idea of it could be shifted to whatever hobby/activity/community you walk in on. Just walk on in. Talk to everyone. Make the mistake of not liking someone, or causing them to not like you. Hopefully find someone that you connect with.

Then, once a connection is made, ask them over for tea or coffee.

Especially since beoming a mum, and needing to find friends outside of work or hobbies, I have found inviting them across the threshold of your front door step, is key. You can be very friendly acquaintances, and catch up weekly for cafe lunch, but they don't become that friend you can vent to or rely on until you invite them around. It can all be kind of false until that moment.

I'm not sure having an MI is especially relevant with making friendships. People can be without an MI and be just as socially void.  I imagine most people go through at least one period in life, maybe a move of house, maybe a change in life direction (for instance, becoming a parent), maybe a change of job. It all leaves one lonely, MI or not.


When keeping friends, it is not important to be so transparent as to divulge your life story start to finish. You don't seek someone to validate your life, you seek someone to share the now. It is not lying to your friend, it is not being untrustworthy. It is simply enjoying each other and the task/conversation at hand. If something to do with your MI comes up with relevance, you may like to share. But there is no obligation. A good friend that you spend time with will likely observe and note any behavioural things to manage. Even someone without an MI has these. I might, say, have a friend called Jiff. Jiff can get overexcited and in my face when talking about, I don't know, potatoes. So I might politely ask Jiff to step back. Or I might not ever eat potatoes in his presence, or I might just make sure I have a chair or something to lean on to create a phsyical barrier between myself and Jiff when potato time comes around. Maybe, I'm the kind of person that just takes great offense to such people, and Jiff will no longer be my friend. Jiff probably hasn't lost out on much in that case. But if I keep putting myself out there, I'll find others who are equally disgusted by potato excitement.  And there is definitely something to be said of friends being those people whom share a mutual enemy...


We moved 2 years ago, to an area I have no contacts in. I had worn my 2 babies in baby carriers, and so when I came across an Australia-wide facebook group for 'baby wearers', I began participating in that. From there I learnt of a local 'baby wearing group', and stepped into that. Thankfully it has been a welcoming and amazingly safe space then and ever since :).  Not all first encounters are, and that's ok, you have no obligation to go back to that art class, or sewing group, or football club, if there are structures or attitudes held that exclude you. Or that one person that you feel terribly uncomfortable around. Just go back to the drawing board, try something else :).


In summary, step out. Smile to those you walk past. Offer help. Some people like shy, some people like forward. So you can't always win, but you can't always lose. Do what feels comfortable, but don't limit yourself to your known comforts, or you'll never learn what your comforts truly are. It's like in debate, you can't know your position without opposition.

Hope at least some of that ramble was helpful.

What do you find hardest about making bonds?

[Sehnsucht]

@SaharaI hear you regarding career or baby making being to two expected norms. While I do have kids, I acknowledge it is quite noticable that that expectation is there, with my friends who have none. They're constantly having to answer to 'why don't you have any?' rather than someone asking what it is they actually do or like! 

I relate to the small talk, and being 'liked', but it not feeling meaningful. I have few friends semi-locally that are this for me, but recently have worked on building this and I think progress is being made 🙂

I noticed when in the UK, due to the geographical nature of their towns and cities, friendships were deeper. Because you were only ever literally a short walk away from all of your friends, you saw them more often, you saw them at their house and them at yours. Always seeing friends in communal places can make it all feel a little fair-weather.  That's why I took someone's advice, and now make an effort to get people inside for coffee. It was great advice, it's amazing the difference this makes.

[Sehnsucht]

@Tyler77Have you asked any of your 'boring' family friends if they want you to come sleepover and entertain? I ask because, as the boring mum, I often find my non-family friends don't come by anymore. I would do anything to have them come sit out with me on the back patio to talk into the late hours of the night, listen to music, play board games (hubby hates them!!), just be here!! My husband loves gaming, and I really just sometimes yearn for someone to actually spend time with. Adult sleepovers should totally be a thing!

[Sahara]

 @Tyler77,

It sounds like a good idea to make friends through A.A. and N.A. I have often wondered about joining A.A. myself, although I still want to drink alcohol and I don't exactly think I am an alcoholic. Some people would beg to differ!  I guess I would have to give up drinking completely in order to successfully join A.A. Look, that might not be such a bad idea..... !

The thing is, I don't drink every day and I don't go crazy, drinking huge amounts. But I do use alcohol to help control my anxiety which is at a distressing level on some days. The days where I don't get anxiety, I don't have much of an urge to drink. Also, I feel intoxicated after around 3 drinks and I usually don't continue to drink after that amount. Strange but true.

Anyways.... I make very contemporary art. I make large, sculptural forms from soft materials like fabric and thread. These "sculptures", as I like to call them, are non-representational.  They do not look like anything much but themselves - geometric, soft forms in various colors. Very difficult to describe. There are not a lot of people making this kind of work and hence people don't know what to say about it. Even at university, although I got high grades, my teachers were at a bit of a loss as to what to say about my art!  it was kind of good - because they always left me alone, which was pleasant for me, being an introvert.

@Tyler77, you are very young, at 32! What do you see yourself doing in ten years time? Would you like to marry or settle down with someone and do you want to go back and work in law? I am thinking you could do research for a barrister or something. Do you think you will explore a new career?

[Sahara]

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@Sehnsucht wrote:

I'm not sure having an MI is especially relevant with making friendships. People can be without an MI and be just as socially void.  I imagine most people go through at least one period in life, maybe a move of house, maybe a change in life direction (for instance, becoming a parent), maybe a change of job. It all leaves one lonely, MI or not.




In summary, step out. Smile to those you walk past. Offer help. Some people like shy, some people like forward. So you can't always win, but you can't always lose. Do what feels comfortable, but don't limit yourself to your known comforts, or you'll never learn what your comforts truly are. It's like in debate, you can't know your position without opposition.

Hi @Sehnsucht,

I agree totally with the above comments.  I just have to go and have dinner now, as my husband has been cooking! Yay!

I will write soon. 

[Tyler77]

Hi @Sahara

I guess I am still young.  Um, I would consider getting married.  I have never been, almost..but never went through with it.  I am single at the moment and have been for quite some time.  Mostly by choice.  I enjoy being single but there are things I miss about living with someone else that you love.  I got no kids, so I'm not tied down too much.  I am not sure if I want to have kids though of my own, since the issues I am diagnosed with are supposedly herreditary.  

Um, they have open meetings in NA and AA that dont require you to be a alcoholic.  I am not a alcoholic either, but I can't drink safely.  I literally have no idea what i might do when drunjk and often once i get to drinking i cant stop till im completely drunk and crazy.  I use nicotine to cope with anxiety instead of alcohol. I dont smoke but i chew nicotine gum like all day.  

I am not sure what to do for the future 10 years.  My recent diagnosis and entanglement with the MI world has made me a much more kind and compassionate person.  I was thinking about becoming a counselor or perhaps get into social work.  I think I could really help people.  They say you cant realy help a people until you walk a mile or two in their shoes, and as a person with MI I think i qualify.

Thats cool that your art breaks the mold of conformity.  I think we need more of that these days.  So many people are afraid to pave their own path.  Too bad we can't post pictures on here, as I would like to see some of your work!

Hi @Sehnsucht

Wow, what a wild life you have had.  I also agree with your statements that everyone struggles with friendship and lonliness at least at some point in their life.  I know countless people with nothing wrong with them that are socially isolated and awkward.  

I'd say the hardest thing about forming bonds is getting over past hurts and trusting people again.  Often past bumps will cause me to be conservative and shy, and i dont get the fulll benifit of friendship that i might of had i been my total and true self.  I havent had that many bad expierences.  But Alot of people i thought were gonna be friends to our dying day, weren't.  Loyalty is imortant to me, and not many people are capable of it, I've exp[ierenced.  

But im getting myself out there.  Your right, I shouldnt give up because there are so many people and groups out there, its just a matter of time before I find people that I can be friends with.

[Sehnsucht]

@Tyler77, massive hugs.

Trust is hard.  Such a double-edged sword. x