Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

💜  💜. 💜.

It's my girl's 'would be' 20th on Sat. She died at 13. I've had trouble getting off the couch, the bed for days already. It hits me like that. SI is creeping back, but this time I'm not scared. Can't think through anything, I'm not all here.

Don't wanna be around people - nobody understands and I dont have the energy to perform for them.

Wish i had a caring mum. Never did, and now she's in & out of hospital with S4 cancer & massive weight loss - basically dying, and theres nothing i can do, its horrible and she's angry and scared and shutting me out...

Of cause she has nothing to give me, or anyone now. God's finally helping me see my inner child will never get it from mum now, that love I crave, no matter what i do to win favor, its time to surrender that wish too, let her be the way she wants. Its a living death really, very sad.

And my highly disfunctional siblings, they are not making the process easier. Eben they're oblivious to my grief feelings and my girls pending empty birthday.

It all adds up I guess and I have nobody here for me.

I'm finally learning the need for self care, without guilt.

Yesterday I eventually text back to my panicking siblings "I'm taking the week off" and shut off the phone.

I cant seem to get myself off the couch, or out of bed. Cancelled lunch out & a physio apt yesterday. Actually went and pulled the pin on all committments this next week. The boss wasn't impressed and luncheon ladies but how can I explain? They ask and then change the subject. To one person I actually said: "its a grief thing - you wouldn't understand" oopsy

I could overthink and beat myself up about 'being lazy' and all that criticism I've put up with for years, but maybe I just need to be still a while, process the grief, float away into a safe place in my heart, with my girl , my princess & God, just till it passes  💜

[Former-Member]

Well, its the end of another stressful day. Apart from my mother causing me great pain (S4 cancer & in hospital again, shutting me out), I think its my girls 20th. Its a raging storm inside I can't hold in. Maybe the two stresses at once is hard, and I'm here alone. God has provided Cheryl & Jackie to talk withm, and Elizabeth which helps a bit. I have chest pains, indigestion, blurred vision, palpitations, headaches, inflammation, tendonitis & OA flare ups, breathless (out of shape), fainting / syncope episodes (having to lay down a lot - especially after eating. Have GI probs... All stress stuff. Sounds so hypochondriacy... I know. Probably should have gone to Dr or A&E by now, but its bearable, and they'll stress me more turning me into a pin cushion. Called in ambulance stn after work Mon but it was closed andvi didn't think it urgent enough to use the emergency phone. They have a new facility building & vehicles now. Upgraded a year after my girl died. They failed her so I don't think they need the reward. Fortunately the paramedics on at the time have retired. Just to see or hear ambulance is a trigger for me, it was hard going to the building. But typical. I've been trying to rest, just laying around, but I need to move. Its hard for my brain to focus on house chores. But I decided to try make some sense of my girls room, it will help me face what's already there and feels like I'm doing something for her
At least its her room and her stuff (plus extras I've stored there). It will be nice to have all her things in the one place. I have been collecting quality pre used travel bags for her. Even found a purple one. I know she doesn't need any of it anymore, now in spirit, but I do, and will keep everything that hold a good memory of her. I miss her so much. Even found a couple of her 0000 baby dresses, she was so tiny 1.8kg (4lb), 5wks premi. Perfect little buttonnose face, pursed lips. Those garments are precious. I was shocked to have a girl, mums 1st gd, my sister was do jealous she didn't visit me us in hospital or after
Having her was the blessing of a lifetime...



,

[Nat1]

Hey chill out,

I'm new to the forum I have just joined and when I read your post my heart instantly went out to you, I'm so sorry for the loss you have suffered a parent should never lose their child no matter what I think it is the worst thing to go through.
I had a miscarriage before about five years ago now, it was so traumatic the experience and the feeling of the baby not being there anymore in my tummy, I was haemorrhaging really badly and I laid on the bathroom floor because it happened in the shower on my own and I remember feeling like I didn't want help I wanted to die at that moment because I knew I lost my precious baby and the pain was unbearable. My partner found me and rang an ambulance nobody understood how I felt I was alone and isolated after it I was mentally tormented and took to drinking heavily to flood out the memory of it which made thing's alot worse for me and I ended up in hospital having a mental breakdown, and pushed my partner away.
I still have not got over it, whenever I think of the baby I lost I burst in to tears and remember it all as clear as if it was yesterday.
I know what it's like, I may not have held my baby like yourself but I do know that feeling of grief and loss and no one understanding how it feels or what to do to help you it's like your on your own it drive's you mental.
I'm so sorry for you and everyone on this forum that has lost a child in anyway, we can support each other as mums and get through it I need to talk to people about this and I have learnt that if I keep bottling it all up inside it's no good for my mental health.
My love ❤ goes out to all the babies and children that parent's have lost.

[Former-Member]

@Chill_Out, re Nat1 post above. Hope you are doing OK. Grief is hard. 💜

[Former-Member]

Checked in to see if anyone has a comment. But thanks for the 'likes' I'm not good, this is difficult this year for some reason I don't understand. Want out. Resorted to a sedative yesterday, took the edge off. Wish I wasn't here alone. Have to withdraw from drama (my family), they hurt. Hoping I can endure the week without dieing. Now her bed is clear I can lay there. I don't wanna collapse her bed 😢😞😭 God 😟 help me through this tsunami, help me not feel so alone...

[Lunar]

Hello @Former-Member

Just reading through your posts this morning, I cannot imagine how difficult this week would be for you with your daughter's 20th birthday and on top of that your mother causing you extra pain by shutting you out. It is no wonder you are also feeling physically unwell during this time with everything going on, that is extremely tough, I hope you are taking care for yourself during this time. I also noticed you have been doing a great job of reaching out on the forums for extra support right now, you don't need to go through this alone. What have you done the last few years to get you through your daughters birthday, do you have a celebration for her or something nice ? Thinking of you

[Former-Member]

I don't have anyone to celebrate her with 😭

[Former-Member]

I don't remember how I coped before I just did somehow, distraction maybe, she was only 13. This is crazy, its just a date. Am I doing it to myself?

[Former-Member]

Might have to resort to emailing you, don't wanna depress everyone with my dark thoughts

[Lunar]

Yes, that is a good idea @Former-Member feel free to email us 🙂