Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

BIRTHDAYS Hi all, every birthday month, since my youngest child died, & left me alone, suicidal thoughts intensify as i reevaluate if i can push through another year (does anyone else get that?). I have one living child, a 25yo son who lives away & determined to prove he doesn't need his mum. Visited him on the w'end & it didn't go well (cause i took my little dog) and i cried the 3hr journey home. Its so hard. My mother 1200k away is battling adenocarcenoma diagnosis that's just starting to grow faster. I want to help but can't handle her abuse & history & the two hovering argumentative brothers who have paranoid psychosis. Dad's in early dementia I & mar misses the man she was so dependant on. Because of my p/t comm support work mum thinks I'm a gov spy connected to Gardianship Board. Any attempts to help by cleaning or making suggestions is interpreted as criticism. She can be so vulgar and got the dr & authorities fooles she's coping. I don't know what to do with them all & my son & my sistet who cut me off after my breakdown when my girl died. Its all out of control & screams at me to disappear. My house is a mess & i'm having trouble conquering the kitchen sink much less the clutter. Anyway, just needed to tell someone, hope it doesn't depress you beautiful souls.

[Mazarita]

Hi @Former-Member,

I happen to be up in the middle of the night and read your message. That is a heavy load you are carrying. It sounds like mental health problems feature in your family, especially with the paranoia of your mother and brothers. That makes things difficult to deal with as it must be so hard to know how to help without it being mistaken for something very negative. With the timing now, it's not surprising it's all getting you down. Sometimes the weight of things just glues us to the spot and we find ourselves unable to act at all, other than to start looking for means of escape.

Given how vulnerable you are at the moment, perhaps you could take time out from feeling like you have to look after it all at once. Is it possible to just let some of the worry about it all drop for the time being? If we don't look after ourselves when caring for others, we can become unable to do either. Perhaps just focussing as much as possible for now on looking after your own immediate requirements might help. For example, just doing one little thing at a time with your home environment. I would probably start with the kitchen sink as that seems to be bothering you the most.

If it's not possible to get yourself to do that (I know the feeling well), I still think you deserve and need a break in your mind from what's happening around you. Perhaps getting out for a walk might help reduce the feelings of stress. Or something you especially enjoy doing. It really sounds like you need something pleasurable or restful to replenish your ability to handle the hard things.

I may be off the mark or saying things that are already obvious. Main thing is I just wanted to be a voice to respond to your message as there are probably not many others around at this time of night. Wishing you the best and very much hoping you are able to rest your mind from all this for a time.

[Former-Member]

Thanks, glad someone else is awake. These smartphones make us lazy as i can do this without even getting out of bed. Thanks for reminding me to do things that replenish the soul. A hot cup of tea is one i can do now. Hand sewing & garden also help. Thanks

[Mazarita]

Cuppa here with me as I speak, glad you are joining me. Hand sewing and gardening, both things that might slow down a worried mind. Good to hear they help. Best to you.

[Drac0]

Hi @Former-Member, sorry to hear how much pressure you're feeling right now. @Mazarita is probably right. Maybe you need to just focus on yourself for a little while. Getting yourself in a better place will help you to be able to cope with everything a little better.

Whether it's birthdays or other special times of the year a lot of us have times when things seem so much worse. December-January is usually that time for me. I can't give you any advice on dealing with it because I often have trouble myself.

I understand the house thing, I'm the same. Not dirty, just messy because I can't be bothered putting stuff where it should go. I'll bring something home & just put it wherever & there it stays. I really need to do something about that soon I guess.

Glad you posted, it's a good place to get thing out of the system.

Take care, stay safe.

[Former-Member]

Thanks guys, it helps a lot to talk here. I can't tell anyone how i feel in real life, it would be like a slap in the face to those few who cared enough to stay in my life. But please hang in there with me through this month. My birthday is easter monday, not much on or anybody around - not looking forward to being alone for it again. Maybe hire a dozen movies & stock the fridge with all my favourite foods. ANY OTHER SURVIVAL SUGGESTIONS GUYS?.its the lead-up to these anniversaries i find the hardest.i need help to get through this, still find myself sleeping a lot.

[Mazarita]

Hi @Former-Member,

One thing that occurs to me is that you might in advance write a list for yourself of things you like to do. This would include what you have already written here about movies and favorite foods. Last night you also mentioned hand sewing and gardening. What other activities bring you some pleasure or relief from bad feelings? Whatever comes to mind I'd add to the list, even if small. It will be easier to refer to a solid list of possibilities on the day rather than trying to remember things when you might be feeling blue. I'd also add coming to the forum as a possibility on your birthday too. There are likely to be people around to send good wishes and give you some company. A list like that might be useful for future times as well, a kind of resource to turn to when struggling. Sending you early good wishes for your birthday.

[Drac0]

Glad talking here is helping @Former-Member, great place to get something out there that you don't feel you have any other outlet for. I prefer talking here simply because I'm not close enough to anyone in real life that I feel I could tell anything to.

I can't help with any tips, simply because I don't handle it well myself. About the time of your birthday I'll probably start my own downward trend leading up to mine - another one at home alone. Last year I only received a phone call from my mother, thats it. And it was supposed to be a big milestone birthday. *SIGH*

I hope someone comes up with some ideas, could use some myself.

Take care.

[GothMum]

Hi @Former-Member, I've been there with the house messy, and the sink overflowing with dishes. Maybe try to just get the dishes done. Sometimes just getting that task complete makes one feel so much lighter, and it's much more enjoyable to take tea in a nice clean cup 😀 And as @Drac0 and @Mazarita  comment, try to make a list of those things that you do enjoy; sewing, gardening, movies, a nice walk with pooch; often dog walking is a way to connect with other people.

im relatively lucky; after having no help for years, I am finally getting decent help. I use my disability funding to pay for a helper. She helps me, plain and simple, mostly with the fairly mundane things, but occasionally we do fun stuff and other times she takes a child or two out for a wee while so I get a bit of a break.

for the first time in my life as a parent, the dishes get done every day. It is such a seemingly trivial thing, but having the sink clogged up with dirty stuff really can be a full on downer. Do you have any $$ funding? Or can you approach your local council with a request for some help?

and maybe do something special on your daughter's birthday? Something that she would enjoy. And let yourself grieve. 

Bright blessings.GM

[Former-Member]

Today i deleted phone messages before reading them because they're hurtful. Messages from people i love, family actually, can't block people so listed them as 'decline' - save yourself. Trouble is i feel guilty & anxious about it. Its taken many years of wearing my heart on my sleeve but can't take any more, and why should i? I'm learning a lot about self compassion which has taught me i have a right to protect myself. I just get confused if its 'blackdog' doing its widthdrawing thing? or if i can take the fallout of not being there for them (getting uniform police come to door demanding i ring my family, Or harrassing people close to me (my criends, son & my dad) with lies & instructions to ring me etc). And yes, i'm not confident & get lonely & i have had a psych admission & i live alone & long for 'real' family love. But i just can't take it anymore, the hurt, the sucking up, the dance then the hurt. So over it. Am i wrong to withdraw from my unwell but abusive mother & paranoid, grandiose schizophrenic drug using brothers? Poor dad's in the middle but refuses to leave. Am i being unreasonable? why does it feel so wrong?
I'been really down this last few days, ignored someone at the door yesterday. The phasing is creeping back again which i know is stress. Haven't showered for days, just walk in circles, drink tea, snack, watch a dvd & lay back down, losing the plot (or just chilling i don't know). So tired of people. My son text me about a friend's death today but doesn't want a phone call yet, i worry about him since losing his sister & work responsibilities.. There, I've put it out there. Any comments?