Lived Experience Forum

[LittleCherubs14]

I am at a loss at what to do.

My husband and I are constantly fighting and I'm always angry. I have PND and PNA and don't feel like he is supporting me or trying to understand what I am going through on a daily basis.

I'm seeing a counsellor and taking medication. I would be completely lost otherwise.

My problem is with all our fights, they all boil down to his frustration on 'not getting any'. He wants it all the time and I have no interest at all and he just cannot understand that.

I have tried multiple times to explain it to him but he just doesn't seem to get it. It's to the point that I just want to end me but the only thing keeping me here is our 2 kids.

I don't know what to do 😫

[Mazarita]

Good morning, @LittleCherubs14,

Just wanted to give you a quick response to this post, though I don't have personally have children, nor any easy answers to your situation.

Wondering if you are in contact with PANDA (Perinatal Anxiety and Depression Australia). It's possible they may have the best answers for you as I believe this issue you raise may be often encountered in relation to the arrival of children. I'm hoping that some other members who have experienced this issue might reply to your post here too.

I can personally relate to some extent in that I have been through a time with a similar issue arising in a relationship without children. In my view, no woman (or man) should feel obliged to have intimate contact. Being pressured into 'giving some' is likely to make us withdraw further.

Wondering what suggestions your counsellor might have in this regard? Also wondering if it is possible for you and your husband to consider couple counselling. This may help you both.

Kindest wishes.

[Former-Member]

Hi @LittleCherubs14. Sorry to hear things are tough at the moment. Having a young family can be wonderful but incredibly trying.

In relation to your partner 'not getting any', I wanted to let you know that it's absolutely ok to say no. Regardless of who you are, what your circumstances are etc., as @Mazarita said, it's not ok to be pressured into anything. While there's no doubt that having children, being tired, feeling flat and down or stressed can have an impact on our desire to be intimate, if your husband is pressuring you, especially to the extent that it is causing fights, this is an issue that is his not yours. It can be really hard to see that and very easy to think that if we could just give in more easily the problem would be solved. At the end of the day though, it sounds like what you need is to feel supported and be respected by your husband, not pressured. I too was going to ask whether you'd spoken to your counsellor about this and think it could be really helpful to. Maybe your husband could benefit from some professional support too? Is that something he may be open to?

[LittleCherubs14]

@Mazarita & @Former-Member , I haven't been in contact with Panda as yet. I have asked my counsellor about this but haven't heard from her as I do think see her face to face, it's all emails.

[Mazarita]

@LittleCherubs14,

PANDA have a national helpline that's open 10-5 (AEDT). The number is 1300 726 306. Is that something you might be able to access today?

I'm wondering if your husband understands that this loss of interest in intimacy is likely to be temporary. One of the resources PANDA has on their website is an information sheet for carers of people with PND and PNA. It is specifically mentioned that people with PND and PNA commonly experience a temporary loss of interest in physical intimacy. Is this document something you could pass on to your husband?

I recommend at the least checking out the PANDA website. There seems to be a lot of information there that could be helpful to you and your husband.

[Former-Member]

PANDA is a great place to seek support.

There's also the option of seeking face to face support with a mental health care plan through your GP @LittleCherubs14. I'm a huge fan of online therapy and am supported by an online counsellor (it's through video though) but sometimes face to face can be helpful too. Another option is to seek support through the Family Relationships Advice Line (google will bring up to the number). From my understanding they can help with things like referrals to local services that may be able to support you and your husband with any relationship difficulties you're experiencing. Hope that's not overwhelming you with too much info - just wanted you to know there's definitely support available and around.

This forum is a great place to connect with others as you're doing. I know for me, my world kind of closed in a bit sometimes when I had little ones and connecting with other people who understood how hard it could be, really helped me feel not so alone.

[Appleblossom]

I experienced a similar situation in my marriage.  

I think part of it is that men often dont get the idea there are limits to a woman's energy and presume we are deliberately denying them an entitlement.  Of course all things being equal most people enjoy sensuality when their important commitments are done, but child-rearing means the 24/7 demands on a mother's time and energy are real.

Get face to face support so that you are able to trust them enough to work through the issues.

[LittleCherubs14]

I just don't think he is ever going to understand 😞 apparently now I HAVE to see my GP about getting off my anti-depressants as he doesnt think I need them anymore. He thinks that the Implanon that I had in my arm was causing my depression.

He thinks now that I have it out that I'm all cured. He has no idea on is going on in my head.

I HAVE to talk to the GP about fixing MY issues. As if to say it's all me and nothing is on him.

I literally feel like a piece of meat

[Heart]

@LittleCherubs14, What you are saying here is very familiar to me as I have had very similar experience.

You need to take care of YOU. If you are not comfortable going off you meds, then don't. Speak to your GP and discuss your issues and any questions with them. Try and go alone if you can. Make a double appointment so you have the time to discuss the needs of YOU, just you, and be able to have no interuptions.

You do have the right to say no. 

"Getting some" also goes two ways. "Getting some" help with the children and around the house with the daily things and everything else that has to be done. 

Take care of your self and go to your GP. Speakinbg to a therapist face to face is a great idea.