Lived Experience Forum

[Mandymoo]

This is my first time here and I have no idea how you start these things so forgive me if it's wrong.

So, I've always been depressed probably since I was a teen, I have been for so long it's become normal for me I can't remember a time where I was ever at peace with myself. I made various mistakes throughout my teens that limited my future and in turn worsened my state of mind.

In my culture you did not seek help it was just seen as 'life' and you dealt with it and if you couldn't you were weak. I know I have social anxiety am obsessive and if left to my own devices could easily never leave the house.

I should've sought help before but honestly I never really cared that much.

But I have a son now and I know I've got to get myself together! I've let my physical health go because I hadn't cared what happened to me.

But now I'm so afraid and I feel this overwhelming fear that something will happen to me and my child will suffer because I won't be there. I feel like I've been in a marathon but I've only just realised and I'm on the last lap in a rush trying to do everything last minute and I won't have time and I can't breathe I'm just drowning.

[lola]

Hi Manymoo
Lola here, one of the moderators...welcome to the Forums. You have definitely come to the right place. Here you will find empathy, support and understanding from other forum members who generously share their experiences and knowledge with you.
Welcome
lola

[CheerBear]

Hi @Mandymoo and welcome to the forum. As lola said, you're in the right place and it's great to see you here.

Sorry to hear that things are sounding really tough for you and I'm especially sorry to hear that it seems you've been living with it without much support, for a long time. I can imagine that the idea of someone being seen as 'weak' for needing help would make it extra difficult for you to seek support.

I can relate to what you mentioned about needing to 'get yourself together' now you have a son. I have kids too and they are a huge part of why I fight through my mental health challenges (and probably why I'm still alive really). Sometimes I feel so much pressure to manage my mental health so they aren't hurt by what goes on for me. It can add stress and worry in a big way as I'm afraid of letting them down. I'm not sure if that's something you can relate to, but it something I hear a lot of parents talk about.

I think it shows great courage to reach out and try to work through these things, particularly when that's not something that you've been encouraged or supported to do. Is there anyone in your life at the moment that you feel comfortable talking about your worries and what is going on for you? A GP can be a great place to start if you haven't already tried to find professional support.

There are lots of people on the forum who live with many different mental health related challenges. Being here has helped me to see that I'm not alone with my experiences and that many people face and work through some really tough times, none who are weak for having experienced what they have.

You're not alone here and I hope you find it helpful to be here.

[GoatV2-0]

Hi Manymoo,

As mentioned above, I think alot of others on here would be able to relate to what you've mentioned above.

Feeling like you've missed out and time wasted. 

Especially now you have kids.

I notice having kids now myself, not wanting to continue some behaviours only for them to pick up my 'bad habits' and sometimes negative outlook on things.

Just realize that you've already taken the 1st step. Some of us don't ever get that level of understanding and get caught in a cycle that continues to strengthen the grip of our demons.

Even just by coming on here and putting yourself out there, you are opening yourself up to a new and improved mindset for you and your family.

All the best.

[Mandymoo]

Thank you a lot for your support.

That's exactly how I feel.

I grew up with a mother that in hindsight was depressed and needed help but in my culture we never had any understanding of it, it was just mum being mum.  At the time being a kid I just thought she was being selfish and only caring about herself we didn't have a good relationship.

A lot of my childhood was looking forward to doing things in the weekend either making plans to go out to the beach or somewhere else only for my dad to say no on the day because my mother didn't feel like it. She spent most weekends never leaving the bed.

I can't help but laugh knowing I've turned out exactly the same and like you said I don't want my son to miss out on a normal childhood because of me.

[Mandymoo]

Hi and thank you for your support.

I don't really have friends I've been hurt in the past by people that I thought were friends but since having my son they've disappeared.

I know there is a lot of places I could go to try and socialise with other mothers but my anxiety overwhelmes me in any social situations. 

 My biggest fear is my son being taken away so that makes me avoid officials. 

I really don't think I'd be able to afford the costs to be honest so I'm here instead to see how others like me have been able to get through it.

[Mandymoo]

Thank you.

[Appleblossom]

Hello @Mandymoo

I can relate to many things you posted.

LOTS.

Especially not being able to breathe.

I hope you gain some benefit from being on the forum It can be subtle, but powerful.  It has helped me.

Mum to mum