Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Ali11]

Sorry @Former-Member, I should have picked my words better.  Do you find that it's easier to intentionally pause to consider a positive response after a certain time?  

[Former-Member]

It is easier for me to pause for a more positive response now @Ali11. I try and keep my mouth firmly shut until I have something that is useful to contribute. 

There is a saying about improving your argument and not raising your voice; it is so easy for these negative thoughts to dominate and be quite loud, so being able to effectively question the validity of them can be helpful in stress reduction.

I am more open to educating myself and have done so to better understand  the reality of our situation now and that has been a big help.

[Ali11]

That saying is very helpful @Former-Member! Thanks for sharing! 

[Shaz51]

It is easier for me to pause for a more positive response now @Ali11. I try and keep my mouth firmly shut until I have something that is useful to contribute. 

actually @Former-Member 

I had told mr shaz that I will take my time to answer , it give me time to respond

and it is funny now (not before ) but when i go quiet mr shaz smiles now and says " you are thinking"

[Faith-and-Hope]

When I  am being pushed for a response, I answer with, “I am considering what I want to say”.  This behaviour, pushing for or demanding an immediate answer is a family trait .... and in the wider family it becomes an opportunity to mock the person who is being slow to answer...... often by answering absurdly for them.

I have had to think about how to head off this sort of bullying behaviour, and developed a repertoire of responses, such as,

“I need time to think about it”, or

“I will need to check my diary and get back to you.  I am not sure I am free at that time.”

Its sometimes important to help others in that situation, so some of my interjections are -

“No pressure if you need time to think about what you want to say”, or,

“Do you want to get back to us about it ?”, or,

“If you’re not sure how you feel, it’s okay to take some tome to think about it”,  or,

“I can see that you’re angry / upset, so let’s just leave it for now if you like ?  We can talk about this later ....”

I have also taught my kids to say, “I am not coping very well with this.  Can we stop the conversation please !” ..... and it’s not a question, it’s a command.

These are ways to head off bullying, arguments and unhelpfully negative outbursts, and has focused on the development of boundaries - inner and outer - and the understanding that we are entitled to them.  Respect and self-respect.

Part of our bigger picture ..... 

[Faith-and-Hope]

It took me a while to recognise that these emotionally aggressive behaviours were trying to protect a low self-esteem with an atrack-to-defend response to a perceived threat.  

They were armed to eespond to a hostile reaction, or an emotional one.  They didn’t know what to do with a calm, firm, polite stepping aside.  

Part of the cultural training here was to respond to politeness with politeness, and I recognised that politeness has a power to disarm aggression.  It doesn’t always work, but persistently applies, politeness can help to reset boundaries, even if it is mocked initially, and it provides a shield for privacy of emotions, and to consider further responses from behind it.

[Former-Member]

Those tips are really helpful @Faith-and-Hope 

[Former-Member]

Learning how to respond appropriately and not feel pressured to give an immediate reply = something to be grateful for and celebrate.  Dare I say (and in keeping with this weeks tip) worthy of an entry in a gratitude journal.

Perhaps there are some other tips that people have successfully used that have helped them cope and/or set boundaries that they are grateful for .  Feel free to share ....

[Ali11]

Some great tips in here @Former-Member, @Faith-and-Hope and @Shaz51. Sometimes saying something like "I don't have the emotional resources right now, let's touch base again soon" is enough for them to understand. 

[Faith-and-Hope]

@Ali11, in my situation I find that once an aggressive state has kicked in it can’t find the brakes, and charges anything that looks like opposition.  When that is happening, “time-out” and leaving the environment seems to work best.

I think it is one reason why my mr. exercises as much as he does ..... it helps to burn anxiety adrenaline that has nowhere to go easily otherwise ...... and he may need medication, or therapy techniques to moderate it, if / when it is finally recognised  as the problem it is.  

He has has not been physically aggressive.  This is centred in a need to control, so he tends to start levelling ultimatums.