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Looking after ourselves

Senior Contributor

Saying NO and putting yourself first -when dealing with disordered personalities

I've found there's that trap of feeling like you have to please people and say yes to everyone who wants to use you-because you have no other options... then there's the resentment that comes with this... (you feel wronged, you blame them, but you know they'll get angry if you have a go at them, then you'll feel guilty and like you owe them)


and then there's the scenario of insecurity and fear of what will happen if you say no... when really saying no is ending the codependancy and taking steps toward working on yourself, putting yourself first and ending the toxic codependance... + letting them know where your boundaries are and that you'd like them to be able to look after/care for themselves better...


I suppose I'm tired of being called by certain people. And then having them ask me to help them. Because they can't ask for genuine help when it comes to empowering themselves to solve their own problems. The common themes. Have you got money? Have you got tabaco? Do you wanna come around? Can you take me to the supermarket?


I got myself to look after. I got my own problems. I got my own life to live...


They act like the friendship/relationship is about my problems. Just so they can justify popping the question to get what they want. And yea. It stresses me to the bone. I've worked out... that everything they think, say or do... is purely and solely about themselves... and their comfort... and I'm thinking i might as well do the same thing from now on...


But first. I've gotta let go of caring about what OTHER people think... Because other people don't have to walk in my shoes, deal with my problems, bare my burdens, live my life, provide myself with my needs and wants, be accountable for my mistakes, or manage my responsibilities...


Re: Saying NO and putting yourself first -when dealing with disordered personalities

@eudemonism  Hi eudemonism I couldn't agree with you more. Honestly if I cared about what people thought of me I would be a nervous wreck. Basically I don't give a rat's *rse and that is the truth.

Re: Saying NO and putting yourself first -when dealing with disordered personalities

Sweet @greenpea yea i suppose it's all about playing your cards right. It's kind of like an interpersonal battle for supremacy from one individual to another. Some people even get really narky, angry and aggressive when you don't care about what they think. Even make threats of/commit violence, crime and assult... Very stressful i must say...

Re: Saying NO and putting yourself first -when dealing with disordered personalities

hi @eudemonism , hope things improve for you with this situation. My problem is not worry what people think of me, it's worry that I'll be provoked and bite back.


I have a person with a personality disorder where I volunteer. It's my job to be polite, friendly and welcoming to all the participants there but this person always baits me with ways to start a conflict/argument becuase she loves arguing and agro so she can play the victim. And she does that very noisily. SHe's even threatened to sue where I volunteer when they've been nothing but kind, welcoming and patient with her no matter how agro or unrealsonable or dramatic she is. She has no gratitude and that really gets unders my skin. 


I really value my volunteer job so I can't let her ruin it for me. My coping strategy is to have the bare minimum contact with her. I'm polite but I don't answer her questions (which are always weird and the start of an argument) or engage with her behaviours. In reply, she says very loudly, "Oh I must have done something wrong today, BryanaCamp isn't talking to me, I don't know what I did to make her so angry". This makes me look bad and is extremely annoying but I don't take the bait I just ignore it. The staff know how agro and dishonest she is, always stirring up drama or trouble so I think I'd be ok if she put in a complaint against me. It's quite stressful and I really resent her behaviours.

Re: Saying NO and putting yourself first -when dealing with disordered personalities

@BryanaCamptalk about things you like and enjoy in front of her. Talk about people who help, care and, support you. Don't let her think you need her approval to be happy. Divert your attention off of her and what she's doing onto something that matters and is more important.


Don't write her off as a person or fellow volunteer in a bad way. Always give her one more chance. And you also gotta acknowledge and respect that you're also doing things that get on her nerves. But don't make your role as a volunteer about her approval and disapproval. Prey for her if anything... accept her as she is... and know that her problems are not your problems...

Re: Saying NO and putting yourself first -when dealing with disordered personalities

she isn't a volunteer @eudemonism . today she provoked a volunteer at length and then threatened to lodge a complaint that he'd hit her (when he'd done nothing of the sort). As a result the organisation has given her a final warning, so if she messes up again she will be banned.

Re: Saying NO and putting yourself first -when dealing with disordered personalities

Oh my goodness @BryanaCamp what a terrible thing it must of been to witness. I'm here to talk it through with if you need. Don't bottle it up and let it get to you. Because what you're feeling about all of this terrible ordeal matters.

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