Lived Experience Forum

[RoseGeranium]

Normally I'm on here supporting other people but this time I need a boost of support.

I'm nearly 40 and I'm grieving not having had children.  It's been so hard.  I can't do it on my own financially or otherwise and it just tears me apart.  I'm still single and I feel like I've given up dating too.  I can't financially have children on my own and I don't want to have them on my own either.  My bipolar means it's too hard to raise a child on my own too.

Is anyone else in the same position and has a way to get through this grief?  I've tried to look at this from so many angles and it's just nothing but tough.  I guess the only way is through.

Love Rose.

[tyme]

I'm in a similar space that I'm nearly 40 and don't have children of my own. I've thought about it and said that if I wanted kids, I'd have to have them now or never. After being on school holidays with my sisters' kids (5 of them in total), I've realised it's not for me... I think I'd be too stressed out with them 24/7. So that's where things differ between you and I. @RoseGeranium 

Also, I haven't found someone I'd like to spend the rest of my life with.... I think I'm too difficult to live with. I don't think I'd want to live with myself to be honest.

I hear the grief you must be experiencing. I have felt 'loss', but I've come to accept that it's not for me.

[chibam]

@RoseGeranium  @tyme  I'm in a similar boat myself, having already passed the dreaded milestone. My situation is probably a little differant, being a man, in that it's not absolutely off the cards for me. I try to draw solace from that fact that some guys, like Steve Martin were in their 60s before they had their first child. I think David Letterman was in the same boat, and Donald Trump must've been pretty old when he had his youngest child, Barron.

But if I'm not relying on insane optimism, it certainly seems pretty hopeless by this point. Like you, I haven't even found my soulmate yet, so even in the best case scenario, I am many steps away from having children.

It's been a huge and ongoing disappointment. So much so that I think I'm so bloody used to being disappointed that I don't really get thumped with any big blows of "grief", if that makes sense? Because the sadness is just the norm. Although birthdays are pretty tough. Watching the odometer tick over, yet again.

In school, I'd hoped that I'd be a father before I finished high school. But that didn't happen. And then it just continued to not happen.

My own father got started pretty late in life. He was 36 before he became a father. I figured that made sense, because he's always cared more about his money then about family; so he was spending all those years dedicating himself to his career. But I'm not like that. All I've ever wanted is a family. So, to my mind, I should've started having kids well before I turned 36, because that's where all my attention was focused. 36 came and went for me. That was a really rough birthday.

If anyone from the SANE advocacy department is reading this, please pass this message on to the government: THIS is the sort of treatment we really need from the mental health system! Not pills or "talk therapy" to make us "cope" with our empty lives, but romantic introductions to elligable, compatable singles who are just like us, so we can get to work making our dreams a reality before it's too damned late!

[RoseGeranium]

@tyme Thank you.  Mine is more of a lifelong dream that has never come to life.  Being on a medical certificate for three months so that I can have time off work means that I have had too much time to stew over this issue.  I'm thankful to go back to study on Monday to stop me thinking about it so much, but I have had to allow for some time to grieve as well.  I have spent time today forgiving myself for having not found the right partner [I sure found all the wrong ones!], talking to friends about it and just crying my eyes out.  I can't stop crying.  I'm just trying to get it all out and there's so much pain.

[RoseGeranium]

Thanks @chibam , I appreciate you making yourself vulnerable so that I don't feel so alone.

[chibam]

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@RoseGeranium wrote:

Thanks @chibam , I appreciate you making yourself vulnerable so that I don't feel so alone.

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That's okay, @RoseGeranium  .🙂🤗
I hope I didn't hijack the conversation and make it more about my own woes then yours. I have a tendency to do that sometimes.

[RoseGeranium]

@chibam Not at all, it's interesting to have another perspective and give someone permission to tell their own story if it is a pain that you're experiencing also.  I liked being able to remove myself from my own grief by understanding yours.

[tyme]

Hugs @RoseGeranium 

I'm really grateful you brought up the topic because it's often not talked about. When I was in my early 20s, I often browsed through social media and saw that people's lives were moving on while I was 'stuck' in the cycle on acute MH. I longed what they had... but like @chibam said, things just came and went. I had three marriage proposals, but I didn't think they were the right people. I'd rather be single than live with someone I'm not fond of. 

I'm hearing that you have had time to stew over it since being on leave @RoseGeranium . I'm not going to just give you the fairy tale "It will happen". 

Yet I hope you can embrace what you currently have and time will tell regarding the rest.

[Shaz51]

Sending you lots of hugs @RoseGeranium ❤️

In my case it is a little bit different as I found out that I was unable to have children which was a real blow when I was younger, over the years I have come to terms with it but it is hard xxx

@tyme , @chibam 

[RoseGeranium]

Thank you @Shaz51!  Hugs accepted.  That does sound hard.  Grief is grief.  I'm not going to compare suffering, as if mine is worse than yours, it's just plain hard.  I appreciate your support.