Lived Experience Forum

[Bezak482]

Hi Everyone hope you're doing ok!

I live at home with my retired parents, and my brother has just moved home as well due to finishing up his job due to COVID-19 cutbacks. I have recently been let go as well. This means there are four of us living in the family home again after 20 or so years!

This is complicated by the fact that I have schizoaffective disorder, my brother has generalised anxiety disorder and my Dad has anxiety as well as other quirks such as dysphonia (hates carrot crunching, doors closing etc.). 

We are getting a little bit fed up with each other as you can imagine! My Dad is really missing his walks with his best friend, my brother is adjusting to moving back home after living in big cities (we are in the country). My Mum is doing great apart from worrying a bit too much about us all. My anxiety has definitely gone up a bit.

It's tough not to regress into traditional teenager - parent type relationships. I have been criticised for this in the past by my brother who is perhaps a little resentful that I live at home for board & lodging fee (i.e. cheap rent compared to private accommodation). My parents are quite set in their ways about how the house should be run, consumption of alcohol and other things.

Things my brother and I are doing to help things along:

• walk the dog around the block
• clean up and tidy - more so than we would if we were living on our own
• I have started some online free study - can do this with headphones on to cut out distractions
• Brother connects with friends online and plays games - closes door to bedroom, has own space

Do you have any tips for us?

Is there a way we can retain our independence while living with the parentals and all the restrictions that entails?

I'd be interested to hear your thoughts about this!

[CheerBear]

Hi @Bezak482. It would be a big adjustment for you all being home together again all of the time. I can imagine how difficult it would be to not regress into that teenager - parent style relationship. Are you finding the relationship with your brother has changed, or feels like it could change, in a similar way too?

I live in a pretty packed house too. There's myself, my three school aged kids, and my sibling who came to stay late last year following a messy break up and hasn't left. Sibling lost their job at the beginning of covid19 shutdowns.

It sounds like you're doing quite a bit to help with the situation - similar stuff to what we have done. Our house is very small but I've tried to create 'spaces' for everyone (I did this a bit before shutdowns but have taken it up a notch since). My kids share a room and my eldest has a desk in it for study and school. There's no reason for anyone else to be going in there during 9-3 M-F. My Middle has a desk in the kitchen that is only theirs to use. We put a second t.v. in my room which also has a desk in it, so my room can be a second lounge room, a quiet study space and a general time out space if needed. I separate fighting kids by using my room. Sibling has their own space to shut the rest of us out if they want (which they now do all of the time). Like you, headphones are important here too!

It's not easy living so closely and constantly with everyone. It feels like a pressure cooker at times :face_with_rolling_eyes:

Something I am trying to do a bit of is find ways to have fun together to stop it feeling so pressure cooker-ish. We have a couple of family style video games that the we play together. I try and do movie nights together and try and find enjoyable things for sibling and I to watch together, though that's getting harder. We (usually just the younger two and I) have started going for walks together in the morning also. I think fun things can help make it not feel so full on, though I imagine it could be hard to find common interests with older parents maybe.

I don't know if there's anything I can suggest as far as independence though but that's what we are doing to try and get by. I can relate to how difficult it can be.

[Bezak482]

Thanks for this @CheerBear! We definitely have some common ground here 🙂

I really like your suggestion about creating spaces for everyone. Also, I think I can make an effort to watch some movies with my brother. We have similar interests so should be able to find something to watch together.

I have a pile of rocks and am thinking of building a wall as a wind break for a fire pit. This is something I can do together with my family - will be a test to see if we can do it and get along!

Re: independence and parent/teenager relationship, upon reflection, I think there needs to be some polite push back and assertiveness on my (and my brothers) end if we encounter behavior from parents that 'over steps the mark' - such as parental nagging about doing study, finances, applying for jobs etc. - as adults we are capable of managing these things ourselves. Can't stop a parent worrying though!