Topic Tuesday // Creating and maintaining social connections // Tues 20 Nov, 7pm AEDT

[jess_27]

I'll share one of my examples. Both my partner and I see Psychologists. So we have a 'no therapy talk' rule where you are not allowed to ask the other person about their therapy unless they bring it up first. 

I also have a document I wrote for all of my family about my mania and depression symptoms. The book has specific instructions on how I would like them to communicate with me if they see those symptoms...So that they do not cross any of my boundaries by asking inappropriate questions or making demands of me. 

I'd love to all of your strategies for setting boundaries! 

[Adge]

How do you communicate with your loved ones to set boundaries for how you want support?

 That's a tricky question @jess_27

Because when I try to express a need for support, to the few contact I have -

The response is quite often to pressure me to do it all myself (without them).

They overwhelm me with "advice" (suggestions), that I am actually not able to do myself (by myself).

I think that makes them feel "helpful" - when in fact it leaves me feeling rejected & more powerless.

Adge

[Adge]

How do you communicate with your loved ones to set boundaries for how you want support?

 That's a tricky question @jess_27

Because when I try to express a need for support, to the few contact I have -

The response is quite often to pressure me to do it all myself (without them).

They overwhelm me with "advice" (suggestions), that I am actually not able to do myself (by myself).

I think that makes them feel "helpful" - when in fact it leaves me feeling rejected & more powerless.

Adge

[Zoe7]

As I said I am gettin better at saying no to things when it means not doing something I want or need to do. That is the hardest thing I have had to learn and I am still working on it. I am also getting better at diffusing tensions when others in the family are disagreeing (arguing) about things. I try to settle the disagreement by deflecting their anger and not taking it on myself. I will also walk away if it is too intense @jess_27 - all those things I would not have done a year ago but the more I do them the easier it becomes - like anything - it takes practice.

[jess_27]

That sounds like quite a shared expererience @Adge

It is okay to tell people that they are not being helpful with their suggestions and platitudes. You are allowed to put that boundary up. 

[jess_27]

@Zoe7 I know I just met you but I hope you don't mind me saying how proud that makes me of you. 

Learning to set boudnaries is incredibly difficult. 

I heard this great saying that might apply to you @Adge as well. 'The only people who get mad about you setting boundaries are those who benefited from you having none in the first place' 

[Zoe7]

I do that a lot more with my sister @jess_27 @Adge - say that what she is doing is not helping but adding to my stress. It usually ends in her apologising or saying she is just trying to help. My response is usually that I understand that but it is not helping the situation.

[Zoe7]

Maybe you should stick around the forum a bit @jess_27 - I think we could talk here all night lol

[jess_27]

haha You wont get rid of me now! 😉 

[Adge]

I find it very hard to tell people that they are not being helpful with their suggestions @jess_27

That's a big work in progress.

I used to make myself stay & listen (in groups), when people were totally ignoring me - or speaking right over the top of me.

One suggestion I was given - was not to make myself stay, to get up & leave (instead).

That's a good idea, because I think it is better for my self-esteem, & is valuing myself better.

Adge

[jess_27]

You are so right @Adge that is a great boundary to set. Valuing your own time and mental health does not make you a bad person or rude. It makes you strong.