Spouse with psychosis (and trying to keep things 'normal' for my kids)

[tyme]

Hey @Lattepowered ,

I'm sorry this is happening. It sounds incredibly hard. 

Unfortunately, being unwell with delusions, they honestly believe them. The main thing is to look after yourself at this time.

Do you have a local psychiatric triage number you can call to ask them for advice? The main reason is that I can see it may be affecting not only you but your children. 

I hear it can be so draining. Please look after yourself. Unless he wants things to change, or there is risk involved, there is little that can be done at the moment. 

Hence it's so important that you look after yourself.

[Jynx]

I am really unsurprised that you're burnt out @Lattepowered my goodness, it does sound quite relentless.

I'm not sure how helpful this is for you, but thought I might share anyway - just a bit of a reframe around how we approach boundaries. Absolutely no idea where I read it, but I read somewhere once that boundaries are not an attempt to control another person's behaviour, but a way we communicate what we're willing to tolerate.

So for a super simple example, if I have a housemate and I express to them a boundary that I need people to knock before opening my bedroom door. And thus, what I don't wanna have to tolerate is being walked in on. If my housemate doesn't respect that boundary, my response is not further attempts to force my housemate to adhere, my response is that now I will start locking my door. If they continue to ignore my expressed boundary, then I remove myself from the situation, i.e. moving out. I would probs be having quite a few conversations before making that decision mind you, but yeah if someone is unable to respect my boundaries, I remove myself from that situation. 

In your situation, I'm wondering if this reframe could be helpful? I'm not saying that 'move out' is the best or only solution or anything, that was just an example! However it could be helpful to figure out what your limits are, as it is obviously not sustainable for things to remain as they are. And perhaps it could help you reframe that you're not 'threatening to leave', you're making a statement about how you will respond to ongoing ignoring of your expressed boundaries. 

Have you ever spoken to the lovely folks over at 1800RESPECT? Could be super helpful to chat with them, unpack your situation a bit. And there's always something to be said for the benefits of a solid vent! The SANE line (1800 187 263, Mon-Fri 10am-8pm) would be similarly beneficial methinks.

I hope that whatever the next step is, it's a gentle one 💜

[Lattepowered]

Thanks @Ru-bee I have actually been speaking to the sane support line regularly this year. They are the one thing really helping me scrape through it. Husband currently home on leave, so I'm really missing my weekly support line Chats. Will reconnect with them when I can

[Lattepowered]

Thanks @tyme I think that's very sage (but hard to accept) truth that there's little that can be done at this time.

I haven't reached out to the mental health crisis team yet because there is no risk of harm, to himself or others. It's more just me being exhausted and at my wits end from probably thousands of hours in the past year (often at bedtime, sometimes 3am) of listening to his delusional thoughts, some of which are hurtful because they involve my family. I don't know if people with delusions typically need to vent without end to their family, but if they do I have no idea how loved ones don't have nervous breakdowns themselves!

You mentioned not much can be done unless he's ready to change - my question is how do people with his illness actually get to that point? Does it take years for them to finally get a glimmer of insight that there may be a problem, if ever!?? Do they have to lose their families, partners, jobs etc in the process? I wish there was just a peaceful, non confrontational way to get him help, without calling the CAT team behind his back, 'forcing' treatment on him etc, or having to make a dramatic point by leaving with the kids.

[tyme]

@Lattepowered ,

From my own experiences working with people, the turning point is when they come to their wits end. When they realise everything is falling apart. It may mean the loss of those things which are most important. 

I'm sorry this is happening. 

In a way, that's what brought on my own recovery from acute Mental Illness. I came to the end of myself and couldn't cope with living the way I was. Previously, for over 10 years, I was in and out of therapy, but never committed because I think I honestly believed I would be okay... but it wasn't.

MH recovery is one's own journey. You can have people supporting and walking beside them, but THEY have to do the work and commit to it.

PLEASE, it is vital you look after yourself at this time. We can only control the things that are within our control, and that's YOU.

Hugs. We are sitting with you.

[Lattepowered]

@tyme thank you so much for your insightful, and honest, words. I feel like I actually need to re read them from time to time, to remind myself of the tough truth that I cannot actually fix my husband. I'm pretty powerless.

Sorry for my slow reply by the way, he is home on leave so I have to write in the forums when he's not looking so I don't trigger his anxiety etc.

The last week has really sucked to be honest- we had a little school holidays getaway with the kids, but I had to endure several of his delusional episodes where he basically carried on at me for ages about how 'my parents are trying to destroy him' 'he will die in prison' 'I need to see a lawyer with him asap' etc. That night, if I could've left on the spot with the 3 kids, I reckon I would have. But the next day, he snapped out of it and we actually had a nice peaceful day at the beach. It's a real mind trip. 

It's interesting you said it took you 10 years to get to the point where you were ready to get better - wow. That's a real journey. I'm so glad you're in a good place, that takes massive inner strength. Can I ask what therapies, strategies etc helped you recover? So therapy on and off wasn't really enough to make a difference? I've sent my husband to a heap of 'holistic' things this year as he won't see a counsellor,  doctor or take meds. I've sent him to 3 meditation retreats, sound healing, kirtan chanting, even counselling with a priest as he was raised Catholic, but it's made zero impact. He's just getting worse and worse.

[tyme]

My dear @Lattepowered , Thank you for sharing. I'm sorry how hard it must be. As I read your post, I see that it is his MH speaking, and it's not him. 

I recently spoke to someone with delusions and psychosis. They said that unfortunately, they had to come to nothing before realising they needed help. And now that they've regained parts of their life and is in a much better place, they know they cannot afford to lose everything again.

Delusions are delusions because the individual really honestly believes in them. No matter how much you justify yourself, they will still believe the delusions.

The road to recovery is not about the absence of voices or delusions, but how to better manage them. 

What do you think your spouse's protective factors are? That is, what keeps him going? Children? Family? Work?

[Lattepowered]

@tyme you are so right, it is his MH speaking, not him. It's like a different person entirely when he shifts into delusional mode. It's almost like compulsive thoughts that he can't stop.

I do get that the delusions are 100% true reality for him, but the problem is when he snaps into delusional mode, he wants to argue around and around in circles with me about his beliefs (many of which involve my family, and often involve pressuring me to confront people, seek out video footage etc). He doesn't seem to understand at all that I am out of nervous system bandwidth to take these type of 'conversations' (which are more like one way rants) 

Hhhhm as for his protective factors. Well he loves his work, but is 'hearing' colleagues say they will falsify reports about him, and has repeatedly said he should resign. I'm sure he loves me, but seems blind to the fact he's massively stressing me out.

I'd say the kids are his number 1 value in life. He is a really loving dad and I suppose that's why I'm still here. However I feel so worried at the same time the kids overhearing all these tense, stressy conversations (and hearing their grandparents mentioned). They are 6, 4 and 1 so probably don't understand everything, but maybe more than I want to admit. 

[tyme]

Hey @Lattepowered ,

Have you reached out to any services for Carers of those experiencing delusions/psychosis?

I hear how difficult and frustrating things must feel for you at the moment.

You are not alone in experiencing this. I don't know if I am more aware or if it's always been like this, but psychosis seems to be quite common. I recently read some research that many people experience psychosis during their lifetime and it may or may not mean they have schizophrenia.. but I don't know.

I hear how much this is affecting him, his family, his functioning, yet he is not able to see this. I wonder if work notices anything?

Trigger Warning: Tactile Hallucination experience

Content/trigger warning

Only this week, I'm putting my feelers out to see how much I can say to someone I know and see most days. They are clearly experiencing hallucinations, but does not believe so. Everyone else around can see it and is sort of fobbing her behaviour off and treating it as a joke because they don't understand, let alone know what to do. 

This week, I've seen this person everyday. She believes there are bugs in her hair... to the point that she randomly hacked off all her hair. She's had swabs, medical tests etc done... everything came back clear. They are now saying that the seams on the clothes are bugs...