Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[tiges0816]

I have been talking to this guy for a few months. It's long distance and things have been amazing. He's someone I could see myself with in the future and who I am really developing feelings for. However, just over two weeks ago, he revealed that he was in a bad place mental health wise due to depression. (I knew going in that he had issues, and I have absolutely no problem with that.) He explained that he closes himself off to everyone when he goes through a bad time. I fully understood this even though it worried me because I know depression affects people differently. I've sent messages every day letting him know that I care for him and would stick by his side during this time. He doesn't respond to any of them. I have anxiety myself and this is affecting the way I am handling this. I can send him messages and know that he isn't responding because of how he is feeling but he still is active on social media which is confusing to me. 

I got a message from him saying he wanted to be with me but he felt his emotions were keeping him from committing and he thinks he won't ever be able to be happy because his brain pushes people away. He said that he didn't think I shouldn't continue towards a relationship with him because I deserved better and he was too messed up. This was upsetting. I know he does care and I care too. He's shown that before. I don't know what to do now, I'm scared and I don't want to leave him, I really don't. Does anyone have any advice at all on where to go from here?

[Former-Member]

Hi @tiges0816

This is a very difficult one to discern. I could imagine your anxiety as when someone pulls apart once we attach it really does hurt and can also trigger self doubt/low confidence and abandonment feelings. These emotions do trigger anxiety I have personally experienced. Although your online friend is important I think you need to also do here what is best for your mental health. Being stranded on the other side of the screen isn't good for that. What helps me here, which can be hard to do but essential for self preservation, is to "emotionally detach" for now and don't expect any form of a relationship until you are sure about the feelings and intentions of your online friend. 

What your friend is saying about depression is true. I have been like that when depressed and I also did not want commitment at that stage. Too much pressure as I was too immature to deal with it also. It's depends how much the other person meant to me if I chose to push through that and keep contact and/or seeing them. Your friend still being active on social media is not a good sign to be honest. It is saying he does not want "emotional bonding commitment" and to do what is necesssry to nurture such. He prefers acquaintances (going by what you told us here). As this does not require commitment but suits his needs presently.

If it were me I would emotionally be taking a step back and not relying on this friend for a close relationship. And seeing what happens next. If I could not emotionally detach (it starts to upset me and cause anxiety), then to protect myself and mental well being I would be letting it go. If genuine care is there, he will come back to you seeing if you are alright. Hoping you are okay and everything turns out well.

[NatalieS]

Hi @tiges0816

@Former-Memberhas given an answer that resonates with me. I can understand that you want to help this person, but as a sufferer of depression and high anxiety, I know how fragile my mental health can be in different situations, and this scenario  would be a major stressor for anxiety for me, so please look after your own mental health first. Maybe hold off from contacting him for a while as I am certain he realises you care. Look after yourself, be kind to yourself and try not to dwell on this guy's situation as he needs space to work on his own mental health issues.

Take care.

[JoeTheLion]

Hi @tiges0816,

Welcome to the forum.

it's a tricky situation and anyone would feel confused. I reckon @enigma and @NatalieS have given some wonderful insight. It's really imporant to look after yourself.

Be good to yourself yeah

JoeTheLion

[tiges0816]

Thanks @Former-Member and @NatalieS for your replies. I decided to talk to him and we both decided to not pursue things emotionally. In time, we hope to have a friendship with each other. His mental health and my mental health are important. Thank you both for your advice and concern. 

[NatalieS]

Hi @tiges0816

Kudos to both of you for realising that looking after your individual selves and mental health issues is more important than starting an emotional attachment at this stage. How courageous and mature.