10-01-2020 04:05 PM
This is my first post I’ve come to read the posts of other Carers of those suffering with bpd to find comfort and maybe to live with the decision I’ve been trying to get the guts to make for a second time. I read another post about a lady with a 13 yo boy who was continuously abusing her. She too had had a hard upbringing but didn’t use it herself as an excuse to treat others unfairly. That is what my 19 yo daughter constantly does whenever she does not get her way. She brings up my actual past or her own childhood and turns it into something so ugly only cherry picking the very worst of it. Then she threatens to take her own life and tells me I don’t love her and not to attend the funeral and the texts just keep rolling in for hours on end until I’m curled up in bed balling my eyes out begging for it to stop. The amt of chances I have given are numerous but then she doesn’t go to appointments, or refuses to take medication but will self medicate, has stolen from my famuily and pretty much cost me every close relationship I’ve had in the last ten years. She has been in the ed for suicide attempts at least 30 times in last six months. But you always take each one seriously don’t you? Now I have drawn the line she is very very angry. My partners father died yesterday and she’s angry that I’m giving him attention. She has lived with us but refused to even offer condolences. I reached my limit there the lack of compassion and the jealousy. He has been nothing but kind to her when her own father has not been there.
But because I was an orphan with my own abandonment issues I seem to not be able to get past this crushing guilt. I’m not stupid I’m highly educated in mental health especially personality disorders but when your a mum and you have already lost your sister to it (I had to terminate that relationship) you lose perspective.
Im just feeling alone and lost and so so guilty. She has no money but is staying at a friends. Does the guilt ever leave? Idk I think I’d just like to hear from other mums or people who have had to endure the ongoing abuse but still love them anyway because they recognise the illness vs the person but have the draw the line somewhere? Thx for reading.
12-01-2020 07:05 PM - edited 12-01-2020 07:11 PM
hello @Sadbutterly and welcome
I don't have any experience so don't have much to offer but wanted to welcome you.
please feel free to have a look around and join in where you like.
a little forum tip is to put an @ before a members name and itll tag them for you.
perhaps @Smc @Determined @Darcy @Shaz51 @Sophie1 @Faith-and-Hope @frog @eth @greenpea may be able to offer some advice here
12-01-2020 07:09 PM
I feel and hear your pain in your words, my son is a Bpd and has many other co-morbidies and has been a 25 year long battle.
Firstly and this has taken ME years to aknowledge, you are a great mum do not feel guilty and you are not alone.
I love my son so very much even tho his actions and words hurt so deeply and leave me in tears and wondering what have I done. Mental health is no ones fault, its a real issue I do believe we need more 'free help and support'
what worked for myself was ongoing counselling for myself and how to deal with the situtaions that arise, it helped me to boundries in place and stick to them, not engage when things got heated. I also made my son keep up with weekly pshycology sessions if he was to remain under my roof, and medication helped. dramatically. Sadly this was all out of my own pocket which at times put financial strain on the familly but I had to do what I had to do.....this is where we need more free help or more cover from Medicare as mental health is a costly health issue.
There are many good books on BPD The Essential family guide to Borderline Personality Disorder is a good one to read and stop walking on eggshells.
I hope this helps you a little bit. Just remember you are not alone out there and yeah its a tough ride thats for sure
12-01-2020 07:11 PM
12-01-2020 07:16 PM
Thank you for your message especially when at this very moment I’m sitting in a panic sick with worry totally hating myself for what I have done. My daughter refused to work with me on a plan to stay with her father for a few weeks while my boyfriend gets through his grief (his dads funeral is tomorrow) and now she has left her friends house with no money saying she’s had enough and goodbye. I’m used to that but this time she said she’s going to meet some guy up north she met on the internet because she said she doesn’t care anymore and deserves whatever happens to her. Her dad won’t reach out to her he wants her to ask for help he thinks this is simply enabling her.
If I call the emergency services she just ends up on a hold and then released back into the same loop. That’s if they take me seriously anymore and if she can be found. I don’t really have anyone to call everyone thinks if I “give in” to her cries for help I’m enabling her and my boyfriend is four hours away dealing with the death. I’m just sitting here waiting for a call or a knock on the door scared out of my mind and feeling like the worst mother. Everyone says you have to look after yourself and can’t keep taking the abuse but she’s sick and has nothing. Surely it’s not when you give up? Idk thank you I’m just lost. Too much happening at once. Thank you for your time. I’m sorry for sounding so frantic but I am right now.
12-01-2020 07:17 PM
Thank you. It’s somewhere to express without hopefully being judged so I appreciate the welcome.
12-01-2020 07:19 PM
12-01-2020 07:23 PM
Thank you so much. Ironically it is money that is putting a great strain on the situation as she lost her job due to her health and couldn’t receive assistance straight away and totally lost control. But now she’s completely without resources and I’m scared out of my mind. The things she has texted to me and put on social media have been truly awful. If anyone else said them to me I’d be so angry but with her I seem to take it on as punishment for not raising her right or something. She’s very good at turning the situation around on others but also has this complete sadness about her that makes your heart break. I am so tired of the waiting game. Everyone has supported this move and I did give her the option of staying with her father but no. Unless I let her back here then nothing and I just could not reward the awful behaviour this week when my partner just lost his father. It still isn’t helping though. Thank you for listening it does help to hear other people’s stories. I’m so sorry you had to go through any of this too.
12-01-2020 10:14 PM - edited 12-01-2020 10:28 PM
@Sadbutterly, have been in a similar position with an "ex-friend" who started off being a very charming person, but then turned against us... a pattern that she has repeated over and over with family, friends and partners. She also "cherry picked" everything bad, and made it sound like she was the wounded party.
And also, the point where she turned against people was often when they refused to put her at the centre of the universe, either by showing more regard/attention to someone else, or by refusing her something she wanted from them.
It's a very hard postion to be in. You have to find a kind of sense of self worth and self honesty that says "despite my failings, I am a person of value, and a person who loves and can be loved". And yeah, sometimes you need to put a bit of distance in place, because being close means being under attack. I do realise that's an awful thing to have to do, particulary with someone from your own family. It doesn't mean that you've withdrawn your love, but you may well be accused of doing so, both by your daughter and by others around you.
Our own young adult Older Daughter is a frequent attendee at the Emergency Department, often for self harm or suicide attempts... the line between the two gets horribly blurry sometimes. She's more inclined towards a dependant kind of mindset, and seems to somehow unconsciously need to feel that she's being brave in the middle of a medical crisis. Which means there's also a lot of Emergency presentations and doctors' appointments for "physical" problems that may well actually be psychological in origin. Repeated attemps, and self harm that is claimed as an attempt, are really wearing.
Myself, my husband, our other adult/teenaged "kids" all get caught short sometimes with the realisation that we've moved into an extraordinary "mindspace" that is so far from normal family relationships. One big "moment" for me was when I mentioned to a friend that our MI daughter had been in Emergency the night before, and when they expressed concern I answered that "it was only an asthma attack". Her confused reaction to me using the word "only" in relation to an ambulance call out for asthma got me mentally double taking myself. ("whoops... I'm forgetting that for most people that sounds drastic... to us it's definable, treatable, but also probably psychological not physical....")
You're probably in for a long hard haul. We know how hard it is seeing a daughter slowly, systematically "destroying" themselves, and having to live with knowing that they are never really "safe". Hope you can stick around here and get to know a few of us regulars... many of whom are also hanging on for the "long haul" for someone they love.
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