Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Susanother]

Hi everyone

my first time here.  I care for a person, though do not believe I am a carer, but it is one of those times.  That time when I am the bad guy, and the person I care about is disengaging from me. Disengaging is manageable if the wellbeing of my friend is okay, but how to manage when it may not be.  Any suggestions.  I am in that place where I wonder whether it is better and more healthier for my friend to be separate or should I continue to have subtle contact. As in a text, something they can easily choose to ignore, but they know I am still there.

S.

[Shimmer]

Hi @Susanother,

Welcome to the Forums!

Sounds like you are a great support for your friend, but at the moment it's difficult to identify how to be most helpful, as you are concerned about their wellbeing but they are disengaging from you. Finding a balance in this situation is tricky, and a challenge that many people face!

I like your idea of a text to show you care and are there for them yet it is their choice about whether to respond. Have you tried this approach before and has it been helpful?

Caring for someone can be tough, I am wondering if you have any support for yourself?

Take care,

Shimmer

[Susanother]

Hi shimmer

thanks for the reply.  I have tried the text before, and managed to get through the rough patch.  Though this time it was the actual "go away, I hate the way you make feel" level, sort of defcon 2 level.  And it can be really hard, that decision to contact or not to contact.  But then again I do care about my friend, so it is trying to work out in the interim if it is better to stay out of contact, or does that just exacerbate the problems.  You know when you are in that position of damned if you do and damned if you don't.  

Susan

[Rockpool]

Hi @Susanother,

It is really difficult when you are in a "damned if you do and damned if you don't" situation and are trying to weigh up what the best decision would be.  Getting a response like that can be hard, as not only can it be bruising to you but also makes it difficult to decide what way forward is best. 

It does sound as though when your friend is going through a difficult time that they tend to withdraw socially, which can be a common symptom of many mental illnesses. It is great that you are still persisting to let your friend know that you are thinking of them, when many people would have walked away.  This is a great sign of your compassion and loyalty. 

An idea may be talking to your friend once this difficult period has past and discussing what they would like during the times when they are unwell.  This may help you to know what to do if this occurs again in the future. 

In regards to what to do now, it definitely is a hard decision, particularly when you feel as though you are doing the wrong thing regardless of your actions.  Maybe a way to think about it would be, if your friend is going to be upset/angry/annoyed/etc regardless of what you do, what would you feel more comfortable with doing? If you feel as though contacting your friend again to let them know you are here for them when they need, then great, if not and you feel that you would prefer to let them deal with this in their own way and contact you when they are ready, then that is great too. 

In trying to manage what would be best for your friend, dont forget to also check-in with yourself about what is best for you