Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Two]

I had a smaller internet plan which they maxed out often, so I never got to use it. Now I'm locked into a plan or pay a lot to break the contract. But I plan to reduce it when I can. I'm told I'm a "control freak" when I ask for help...sigh. I guess I know I'm going to have to use a bit of "tough love" and stand back to see what eventuates.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Two

I am in a similar situation and share your frustrations. The stress of repeatedly asking time and time again does get a bit much. I am on my daughter to just clean her room and after herself which she largely refuses to do. But I remain on her case once everyday and she at least did something yesterday and today which was something. But far from adequate.

Our children's unwillingness to pull their weight is feeding their mental health issues. That through experience I have no doubt of - and in my humble opinion is no excuse to at least clean up after themselves. I know with my daughter she is lazy because she has gotten away with it for a long time knowing I would give in and do it myself. So in the past I am also somewhat to blame. But not now. There has to be some consequences put in place if they don't help and do something around the house. 

Have you thought about cutting of the internet/availability to use their x-box? Or other such consequences? 

I sympathise as it is not an easy situation by a long shot as we love our children - but I am seriously considering telling my daughter that if she doesn't clean up after herself to look for somewhere to rent eventually. Sometimes tough love is needed for them to mature and to stop using us. I know of the worry that could bring thinking they would not survive but it's only when we have no choice but to be strong that we grow us individuals. And we won't be around to look after them forever. Hugs 

[Former-Member]

hello @Joyce

i can relate to this my older son paranoid schizophrenia undiagnosed for a long time. had used cannabis.

bedroom filthy, unwashed plates, dirty clothes on floor mixed with clean clothes - revolting. cleaned up when he was detained in hospital also.

younger son  depressed after and very angry with older brother who was spoilt by father. father did not set boundaries just screamed at him and put him down.

younger brother said make him leave, look after himself, find out what it is like - father no cant do that to him. i told father (we are divorced and both sons moved back to dads house why not he has latest in large tv, game machines, music, electronic stuff, laptops ipads you name it he has it.

now younger son has left when older son illness started to show itself more and more.

older son gone through hospital, mental health team now escaped interstate.

i told my ex husband you do have to set house rules, boundaries, consequences even though they are not young children. you have to learn to say no and stick with it - harder than it sounds. he didnt do this so son kept making demands, when asked to help and he didnt always had excuse no consequence just screamed at. son went to room. the whole thing started again. his dad was feeding his manipulation. my son was manipulating his dad because he knew he could. nothing changed. situation worsened.

now we have a missing very ill son in denial without medication and a home, missing interstate. he wont answer his phone. mental health system isnt working. i wake up each morning now wondering what news am i going to hear today.

your sons are at home. explain it to them this way, they are adults, they are boarders in your house, they have to pay board - do your sums and work out a reasonable amount include internet etc. if they dont like it they can move out and you will get new boarders in who if they dont abide by the rules suffer the consequences.

draw up a list of rules in one column consequences in opposite column

at the top of the list of rules put in bold lettering removal or defacing of this contract will eventuate in consequence of.....

new rules - internet available between hours of ......and .... providing job specified completed. job not completed no internet on that day.

reassess next day - reinforce consequence again.

zero tolerance of any form of abuse towards anyone.

suggestion board for family to suggest an activity to share - a bbq? fishing? eight ball? etc etc etc.

special dinner night favourite food individual nights.

take turns in cooking what each likes to cook whoever cooks does not clean up

perhaps none of these will work and you will have to sit down and renegotiate. the very fact that you sit down and do that if that eventuates is progress because you are all sitting down communicating, swapping ideas.

positive feedback

one person breaks a rule he is spoken to away from rest of family.

main thing is you have to do something you dont want to end up where I am with my older son who is seriously ill.

[Two]

Hello mohill....I've been a single parent since my boys were in late primary school. They're in their mid 20s now. Shit just hit the fan. I hid the xbox controĺler and told my son he could have it back when he'd done the dishes. He yelled and screamed. I stayed quiet. He woke his brother with his yelling and he went crazy and threw fruit around the house then went back to bed. First son finally calmed down and did tge dishes. Yay! I put the xbox controller back without saying anything.
I'll heed your advice and see if they'll agree to new guidelines. I've been trying to get them to the beach or out to dinner for ages but with no luck. Hopefully breaking the xbox cycle will create change. Thanks for your support and I hope your son is found safe.

[Two]

I've asked my sons to leave quite often....even offered to help financially. But they stay. They've even made noises about moving out but nothing happens. They pay minimal board living with me but just don't understand that they have responsibilities. I worry for their future.

[Two]

Almost forgot. ..after he'd finished the dishes he gave me a hug an apologised for yelling and apologised to his brother for waking him up. Hot and cold. I never know what's coming.

[Appleblossom]

Treasure that moment and try and encourage him to maintain that level of maturity more.  He will feel better for it.

I posted 2 sheets on the fridge one with necessary household tasks and the other with financial issues in running a household.  My son never let me talk about the issues but obviously read it. After our flare up a couple of months ago, he spent a week at his fathers, then returned and made a personal decision to actively help and asks for a job to do each day and pays the minimum board I ask.

Dont give up.  The world is more complicated these days and it sometimes takes them longer to grow up.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Two

Good step that your son apologised after he cleaned the dishes. That's progress. They can be up and down - with maturity and our persistence of tough love setting boundaries, the goal is that those ups become more often. It can be exhausting but I am finding now "after years" it is worth it the effort as there has been slight growth with my daughter. I can now see she would be lost without her parents.

My daughter finally cleaned her room this morning - also a good step and our persistence is paying off. I honestly thought for awhile it was hopeless. She will probably have days where she will slacken off but we will keep guiding. It's good for her own self esteem and inner strength/displine to have order in her life (we try and explain this when we ask her to clean up after herself). It builds that inner strength to handle other life obstacles. And this was already proved today also.

For the first time she stood up to someone who attempted to use her and told them to get out of her life. She stated she is sick of being disrespected and used. What we have been saying for years is finally starting to sink in. My daughter put up with abuse for years from her ex which nearly costed her her life  (she has bipolar & BPD). Never give up on our loved ones, as exhausting as it is it will one day pay off. 💕

[Former-Member]

hello @Two

now that is priceless. you cannot ask for better than that.

brings tears to my eyes.

it really isnt about everything being in place and tidied up in the long run.

it is about showing feelings, caring for one another as a family and that is exactly what happened. You helped that to eventuate. be so proud of yourself and when you have a chance when you are all together let your sons know how much that meant to you.

the contract is always negotiable and the best outcome is when they help with some of the rules within reason of course. again you are all doing something together.

i tried this when mine were younger when my marriage broke up. lasted a few days, they made fun of it, made fun of me and we all had a laugh. how good that felt.

sometimes contracts only work for short times, different people, situations, dynamics

main thing is to get the family together talking, doing things together, laughing that my friend is progress, love.

you are a good mum xx

[Former-Member]

@Two

forgot to say that dont forget they are both grappling with their own stuff, each in their own way, and a part of them would be not wanting to accept rules.

so learning curve for you all - change can provoke all sorts of emotions.

just stick to your values, principles and be true to you.