Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[aisling]

Hi there Folks

Please bear with me as this is my first ever post ... I am not really sure where to begin ... I sense I have known for at least the last 30 odd years that my mother was not like all the other Mums out there ... thanks to my psychology studies at University, I sense that my Mum has suffered from Bipolar Mood Disorder and possible Avoidant Personality Disorder for quite some time ... as far back as age 6 or 7, I remember living in fear of my Mum not only because there was no consistency or predictability to her moods which oscillated wildly but also because she would focus on bullying, criticising and mocking me ... there was no consistency to this either ... I remember at age 9 being told I was being given a cardboard box for my birthday because I had bought up the subject of my birthday too many times ... I don't think I have looked forward to my birthday since this age ... I also remember my Mum reading my diary on numerous occasions when I was a teenager and then sharing my entries with my Dad and brother and making a joke out of it at the dinner table.

I didn't know what my thoughts and feelings were at the time, it took my University studies in psychology to figure it out but I think my early childhood was the start of what would later become severe anxiety at University resulting in me regularly feeling so physically sick I would throw up as well as having panic attacks in public and in lectures ... my adolescence was also not helped when my brother had a diving accident and suffered a spinal cord injury - my Mum's response was that EVERYTHING had to revolve around helping my brother ... I actually think that from this point I disappeared entirely from view for my mother and to this day am not within her field of vision ... anytime I wanted something for myself that clashed with doing something for my brother I was told I was selfish and needed to put my brother first ... the only time I think my Mum may have held some regard for me was the 6 years I lived with my brother and looked after him ... it appeared she felt she could now get on with her life knowing someone else was there to look after him ... I love my brother and was happy to do everything I could for him, but it seemed I became the help and lost my actual identity in the process.

The year I moved out and went overseas, my brother met someone and moved interstate with them as her family were there ... they had a child via IVF and a few years after Mum's first grandchild was born, Mum and Dad were on holidays interstate and without discussing her intention with Dad went and looked at a house an hour away from my brother and made an offer. Despite my parents having lived an hour away from where I currently am for the past 20 years and my Dad thinking they would see out their retirement there as they had lots of good friends there also, my Mum demanded that my Dad move interstate with her so she could spend time with HER grandchild. When my Dad finally built up the courage to tell her that despite cashing in his superannuation and buying the interstate house for her that he did not want to move, my Mum threw her wedding ring at him and told her the marriage was over if he did not come with her. 3 months later my Dad relented and moved interstate to be with her.

I can honestly say my adolescence was not only marred by my brother's spinal cord injury and my worsening anxiety but also between the ages of about 10 and 25 every year just after Christmas my mother would have a seeming meltdown, tell my Dad she was leaving him and take off for a few weeks to start a life of her own ... she would always come back within a few weeks but these years were not fun. My Mum has also made numerous suicide attempts - ... none successful thankfully ... I have actually sat at the hospital with her whilst she was being assessed for admission to the mental health unit after one of her unsuccessful suicide attempts. On the whole, they seem to be quasi-suicides and more a cry for help and attention but very serious experiences nonetheless.

Since my parents moved interstate, my relationship with my Mum over the past 3 years has only worsened ... every phonecall is about what she has done with her grandchild and my brother and sister (living with my brother) and very little interest in what is going on in my life ... it has almost seemed like she is rubbing my nose in it on occasions ... all Christmases since the move interstate have been in the other state with the expectation that I drive 7 hours at Christmas time and pay to have my pets kennelled to come to them ... owing to my work I am unable to take leave at Christmas and last year my sister blocked me on Facebook informing me that my failure to come "ruined Christmas" ... action that was supported by my Mum ... my sister has also previously blocked me on Facebook when I have fallen out with Mum - usually in an attempt to have her own or accept responsibility for impulsive actions or inappropriate words or behaviour ... my Mum is seemingly well versed in not only playing the victim but manipulating my brother, sister and Dad to fight her battles for her ... and they do it very willingly ... I'm always the mean and cruel person "driving a wedge" in the family ... my family accept and have never challenged her behaviour ... in fact I have heard my Mum say she does not have to apologise to anyone for anything she says or does.

My sister, now in her early 30s, has recently been diagnosed with Bipolar Mood Disorder ... something I have suspected for a while as her moods and behaviour are as inconsistent and erratic as Mum's ... my Mum verbalised disbelief and shock at my sister's diagnosis ... although currently receiving treatment and being medicated my sister is not responding as well as hoped and Mum uses my background in psychology to vent and expects me to make everything better.

My Mum phoned me a little over a week ago to say she and Dad were coming down for Christmas this year "to be fair" ... given I know that Mum's grandchild and other two children are and have been her priority, I had already begun making plans of my own ... I told Mum this but that she and Dad were welcome to come down ... however my Mum then informed me she had cancelled the housesitters and would not be rebooking them and she thought it best I do my own thing at Christmas.

So at the moment things cannot get much worse here ... I have debated and oscillated over the past 3 years about whether it is simply best for me to cut all strings with my direct family and walk away ... although my friends are aware of the ongoing family saga, especially where my Mum is concerned, I have noticed recently that they are starting to just give me wide berth ... I'm not sure whether it is fear, lack of understanding, not wanting to get involved or just being tired/fed up ... I know it is probably not helping that I am also keeping a low profile and avoiding social activity because I don't want to burden friends with the family drama ... I work in an industry where mental health issues are overrepresented in the client population but yet my friends who work in the same industry don't seem to be overly enthused about having it so close to them ... I can understand that but it just adds to the feelings of isolated and lack of direction I currently feel ...

I feel beaten and tired in addition ... I'm ready to admit defeat and walk away as I can't face more years of this lose-lose battle with my Mum ... I am hoping that perhaps someone out there in the forum universe can relate or tell me my thoughts and feelings do not make me insane ... that perhaps I can get through this and suggest some ways to do so ...

Thanks in advance for listening to my ramble ...

[Lunar]

Hello @aisling,

I have not yet met you on the forums, so a big welcome from myself and thank you for sharing, you are very couragous for writing all of that on here.

First of all, your story is something that I think a lot of people on the forum can relate to with their own problems with family and mothers in particular and it seems like you have been battling most of your problems all by yourself which is likely why you are feeling like isolating yourself and feel as though no one understands. That must be extremely difficult for you and I understand your feelings about shutting off from your family.

It seems like you really need all the extra support you can get at the moment to help you build some coping strategies around dealing with your family, university and socialising wth friends. You mentioned studying Psychology and thought your peers might want to help you more as they have an interest in this area, would it be helpful to maybe see one of the Counsellors from the University? They usually have someone you can talk to while you are at Uni and that way you can address some of the experiences you have had in the past and how you are going to start coping through out, even learning about things that may trigger you and other things that help to take your mind off it all and relax you?

You should be really proud of yourself forgetting through so much of what you have experienced all by yourself and for seeking help, that is incredible. Try to allow yourself to be selfish right now, your mental health is the most important thing to focus on right now 🙂

Keep us updated,

Lunar

[pip]

Hello @aisling. I'd like to take this opportunity too, to welcome you 'on board'. Your description of your mother sounds more like a form of narcissism than bipolar, although the two often go hand in hand. Your mother appears to be playing the 'victim' which relates to the 'waif' syndrome in narcissism. She also seems to be displaying 'queen' tendencies. Your family has been dragged this way and that to accommodate her various mood swings. Have you thought about 'googling' waif, queen, king, hermit, witch to see if any of these relates to your mothers behaviour patterns. With bipolar disorder, I understand there is a tendency to the patient to have a euphoric 'high' sensation. However the other side is the incredible 'down' side which results in severe depression, sometimes coupled with possible suicidal thoughts. Has your mum displayed Dementia characteristics? If your mum is not taking any form of meds to 'balance' her moods this makes for 'normal' living to go out the window. If she does have narcissism, you have another uphill battle as she won't accept this. Narcs never admit to this condition, they will blame everyone around them for being less than perfect. Googling narcissism will give you a starting point as to whether she has this condition. However, like everything else, 'google' can't help you with the emotional side. Emotions don't 'do what the book says'. Babies don't follow 'the book', they never do what the book says they will. Emotions can't read and books can't read emotions.