Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[BenHarper]

[Edited  27/09/17]

Although it is now 2017 and I haven't finished reading to the end I feel compelled to offer a bit of my story in support of joeflood & their daughter. I met a wonderful woman 8yrs ago when I myself was very low after having helped fight the family court system in NSW trying to protect 3 young girls from sexual abuse from their natural father. Another long & tragic story. Nevertheless things turned out badly due to the corruption/nepotism & I ended up losing my new family, my home of 12yrs and was essentially destitute.

After a year or more alone I finally met this lady from WA online & we seemed to get along right off the bat. Time went by and eventually I was invited to go and visit her in WA to meet in person.

I should mention at this point that we had both completed degrees in psychology and she had a good job with the government but she now only worked part time.

From the moment I met her I knew something was not quite 'normal' but I wasn't looking for a regular boring relationship so I ignored it. After two days there we became intensely intimate for want of a better term and then after I got up to get a drink/snack, I returned to find her sobbing & engaging in self harm which I had never witnessed before. She was embarrassed and distressed but I told her it was ok and held her for some time.

Eventually she shed some light on her behaviour and explained she had been seeing a psychiatrist for ten years or so and that apart from her mother having recently committing suicide her older brother had abused her from about the age of six.

Far too many details to relate here but needless to say I only got to hear about 2% of what she would eventually tell me about thirty years of abuse & neglect.

Somewhat amazing that she graduated year 12 & attended university with high grades and succeeded in getting a high paying government job with only drug addiction & promiscuity (hidden from view) being any outward indicator of the nature of her underlying condition.

I cannot lie I was in love and could not leave her to slowly fade into nothing with no help or hope. She also attempted suicide in WA after I returned to NSW which I somehow managed to save her from by insisting her neighbours call the police/ambulance when her phone kept ringing out even though I knew she was home.

Eventually she came and joined me here in NSW and after many doctors & psychologist appointments I was assigned her fulltime carer. Nothing else seemed more appropriate due to her daily attempts & suicidal ideation. (She was eventually diagnosed with BPD, extreme trauma induced PTSD & clinical depression. After now caring for her for 7yrs I would add that she also suffers from mild DID that is only visible if you are with her 24/7)

She did attend the local DBT for several months and while attending she seemed a little better. However as soon as it ended she reverted back to how she had been before. They refused to let her attend the same course twice and now she is only given limited access to public health psychologists who are as we know stretched as it is. She enjoys talking with them but complains they never want to talk about her abuse and neglect and only try to teach her how to suck eggs as she puts it.  I have spent hundreds of hours talking with her when she isn't 'acting out' as we call it and over the 7yrs I've cared for her there has been some improvement but the steps are small and often we step back several steps before we try going forward again.

Clearly too much to tell you here but feel free whoever reads this to ask questions.

 The main thing I wanted to say was after contacting the mental health unit where we live I begged them to give me some avenue or phone number to call when she was about to go off the rails. I have become quite adept at recognising the signs. We were told repeatedly she shouldn't be given extra medication as she was already on high doses of three different concoctions and that the only thing I could do was call the ambulance if she hurt herself or overdosed or the police if she attacked me, posed a threat to others or went missing. To this day I am dumbstruck at the lack of care in our society for those who suffer so much.

My second reason to reply are somewhat selfish in that I have found the last 7 yrs. incredibly stressful with no assistance whatsoever as the carer. In spite of the many interactions with mental health staff I have never been asked if I am OK, not once. My care consumes most of my time. I do all household chores and other tasks. I am unable to apply any responsibility or pressure on this woman without exacerbating her condition. In order to try and squeeze in any kind of life for myself I now only sleep 4-5 hrs. a night and do what I can outside gardening and fixing mechanical things when she is sleeping or heavily medicated. To compound all this I am renting a shack from someone who it has turned out to be suffering from some form of sociopathy and is an habitual liar. After being lured here with promises of cheap rent, long tenure and peace of mind as soon as we moved in he turned on us & it has never been any of those things. Last weekend he rang with a whole new slew of lies and when I challenged him he called the police who were not amused and then proceeded to issue a no fault 90 days eviction, Her condition is now spiralling out of control once more.

 In spite of spending last week trawling the internet I have been unable to find any help what so ever besides one advocacy group I will try on Monday. Hopefully I can prove through my story that the eviction is retaliatory but I am not holding out much hope. At the same time people just say start looking for somewhere else. We rented rural 5kms from pacific highway & 30kms from nearest regional centre to escape the pressure and lure that might hurt my ward at the recommendation of her original decent psychiatrist. She has a horse, chickens and thanks to my nocturnal efforts a beautiful garden which have been the only things that she seems to enjoy. As for looking for other places there are so very few to begin with that are remotely affordable and out of town with access to some small amount of land but the main problem we have encountered is the bias of the real estate agents. We can see the disinterest as soon as I mention carer & mental illness. I now pay in rent the same as a small mortgage and have never been late with the rent but as I said they just aren't interested. So there is my short story to date. Here I sit trying to write everything down for the tribunal in 3mths time having absolutely no idea what is going to happen next. What a profoundly selfish and uncaring society we live.

 I wish you all the best with your daughter and hope things have turned out for the better. I will now finish reading this thread to see what happened

 Thanks for reading and sorry to butt in with my life story. Being isolated for 7yrs doesn't help :))

Love & peace to all

[Shaz51]

hello @BenHarper and thank you for sharing your story , sending you hugs my friend

Hello @joeflood, @ivana, @morningstar 

[BenHarper]

Thank you. All hugs gratefully received 🙂

[PeppiPatty]

@BenHarper....

thankyou for your long but detailed message.

I am dumbstruckly ......sitting down......I am so sorry that you have shown this huge amount of compassion love and care to.....not get it back from the community around you. 

I don't know if I've met you, my name is @PeppiPatty......am 49 yrs old, married to someone suffering chronic paranoid shizophrenia.........he's having very difficult days lately.......

I keep on meaning to swap to the carers site but Im just getting through

[BenHarper]

Hello Patty & thank you for you reply. Difficult days are the norm are they not 😉 In defence of the community I had only recently moved to this area but nevertheless over the years I feel money, success & career seem to have ridden rough shod over empathy & compassion in the general community. For me peoples welfare, freedom & happiness come so far before considerations of money and status that I have little awareness of them. All I ever wanted in life was to be loved and to be able to give love in return. I have experienced that as a child and for two delirious years 15 yrs ago. I feel fortunate to have had that gift but have all but given up hope of experiencing it again. While my relationship with the woman I care for is technically professional and strictly platonic for the past 6yrs she still imagines us as a couple.I would be hurt if she had a relationship with another and I know she would be devastated too. After all the sexual abuse from someone who had professed to love her I guess that side of things is just too close to the source. Beyond this I have read and experienced twice now that when there is intense tragedy/difficulties most relationships struggle to maintain their loving bond due to the stress etc. But what to do. I cannot abandon someone so fragile and in need although every single male and some females have suggested I do just that. 😞

[Untethered]

If you live in Sydney and have Private health insurance, St Vincents Private hospital have a youth inpatient service , Headspace. My daughter (also BPD) was admitted thress times and some of the other patients have more admissions but in our case we finally broke the barrier for her and she is stable and slowly moving forward. I am so sorry to hear of your experience and wish you all the best finding the service and support you need.

[Untethered]

Ah!, the old attention seekers, manipulating the system and their loved ones just for the fun of it! No risk here, all talk, no plan, basically having us all on... makes me sick to the stomach... sadly, for every brilliant mental health worker there is seems like 10 that are not, they don't even seem to have their heart in the right place... dismissive and arrogant, having no idea how devastating it is to have a gravely ill loved one and noone will listen... keep on keeping on though, eventually you will get the good one 🙂

[Former-Member]

@BenHarper there is Carer support available, the BPD foundation website lists these which include telephone counseling options from Carers Australia if you are not able to make it into their offices.

http://bpdfoundation.org.au/carers.php

[BenHarper]

Thank you for your time. I am aware of this service and yes in my case due to location would no doubt be telephone counselling. When I get to point of despair I may call but for now I need tangible solutions to affordable housing as we are under a retaliatory 90 day no fault eviction notice because I tried to get they landlord to repair our leaking roof and cease punishing us with unfair rent rises. My problem at present is that I had a verbal agreement and on a periodic agreement for past 7 years. Landlord broke every promise he made and it has been a living hell ever since we moved in. Unfortunately after thorough searching for suitable properties it became apparent that real estate agents especially in rural areas just don't care for people without a job and those on disability. If you add the housing crisis in Australia you have the perfect recipe for homelessness. My whole world is contained in this home and if I am forced out with nowhere to go I lose it all. I am in contact with local advocacy group who can't do much due to lack of written evidence even though I have a thorough and cogent story of all events that have occurred during my tenancy. I have always paid my bills on time even if that meant eating sardines on toast for a month. I am further restricted of course because of my 24/7 care and protection of my ward. Trying to remain positive. I have a very resourceful character and it isn't over till it's over 🙂 Wish me luck. Ben

[Untethered]

Sorry that should read USpace not headspace at St Vincents Private Hospital.