Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[sharnie]

I think that I'm heading for a breakdown myself..... I'm just sitting here on a Sunday afternoon trying to rest and get ready for the week ahead (teaching) and listening to my husband just badmouth my son for all and everything in the world. The last two nights have been hell with arguments about how badly done by he is and how bad his life is.  He suffers from anxiety and stress but this is more.  He has become totally housebound and expects me to be here for him at all times.  I don't know how much longer I can do this for. I am beginning to hate the sound of his voice as it is always complaining about something or someone close to me.... and what can i say without getting into a big argument - NOTHING.  I'm fed up. I go to a psychologist and he takes medication for his anxiety...... but i need more out of my life..... I've just turned 60 and I want more... problem is I still love him, but I don't like him much.

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hearing you @sharnie.

i started to make more space for me by popping out to the shops for a few things, and not coming back for hours.  My kids got caught in the way of daddy-tantrums too ..... getting them under a psychologist (each) made him answerable to someone other than me for his behaviour, and that began to curb the rants.

I hope it helps to know .....

💜💐

[Former-Member]

When it comes to staying with difficult partners for the long haul ... when do you know that a point of no return is reached?  How much is too much?  If boundaries are crossed, and your own health is put at risk, is that where you draw the line in the sand?  Certain things have been said and/or done which are (as described by my psych) literally 'going for the jugular' and puts me at my most vulnerable and designed to hurt the most.  Does the fact that hubby has numerous MH issues, excuse that sort of behaviour?  Are some things true 'deal breakers' when it comes to hanging in there for the sake of our partner, or just cutting and running? 

It has been said that people will do what they're allowed to get away with, and that we need to stand up for ourselves more.  Not just passively accepting the things that are said, or implied, and suffering mentally and emotionally for it later.  Even though standing up for ourselves likely risks further escalation of their behaviours.  Is it worth the risk?

I dont know the answer to any of those questions, and I'm not sure I ever will.  No doubt its very much an individual thing, and one best weighed up by our own circumstances and what we are each able to 'suffer' over a long period of time. Is there anything that you consider to be a deal breaker, something completely unacceptable, which would cause you to up and leave?  Perhaps the hard part is knowing when that stage has been reached, or knowing how much you are prepared to forgive someone whom you love despite it all.

@Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope @Shaz51 @Determined @sharnie 

Sherry 💔

[Faith-and-Hope]

I don’t know the answer to those questions @Former-Member , although I have asked myself many of them ..... I do know that you can put up a bit of a wall.  I pull back to a place of being polite but very emotionally removed from people who are emotionally abusive as a matter of course, as in, they don’t seem to know how to behave any other way.  I will ask how they are,  mention the weather, chat about some shopping I just bought (nothing special, just household groceries), but not give them anything else ...... and go hang the washing, or make myself busy elsewhere where they are not, passing back through the room occasionally to be semi-present, but removed.

I don’t know whether that can help you in your situation or not.  If boundaries are crossed, I make immediate excuses and leave for a while ..... a long while .....

[Differentlife]

Hello @sharnie 

I understand totally where you are at and things for me have been hell this end also.

We have just started going to couples counselling as this was recommended by my husband’s therapist and pdoc.  This is because it has got to a point it is severally affecting my health and mental wellbeing.  What is coming out of that is that even though there is a MI there are boundaries for him that he cannot cross.  It is early days yet but what I am finding what is working is that this therapist is for us both and she calls him out on all the rubbish he believes is acceptable to put me and our family through. Because we as partners sometimes worry about what boundaries we can have, what ones are realistic and ones that cause further grief.  Perhaps you could look into this also by asking your husband’s doctors?

Thinking of you - none of this is fun 😩

[Determined]

@Former-Member  sounds like you are having a bumpy time. Thinking of you in at the moment.

Like you have already said it is a very individual thing. But for me a point of no return would involve my safety or our children's safety. That will never be up for negotiation.  If I thought our children were in danger my feelings or emotions are no longer valid that would be it.  I manage my emotional health the best I can because I think that is what is best for the children. Likewise I work hard at getting the children the emotional support they need as emotionally they would be worse off if we were to leave. 

I did once have a big point of no return relationship wise that I thought would be a deal breaker but when it happened I was able to see past it not only for the children but also concern for Darling if I had walked away ad it was at the start of a major crisis for her. This was not in my strength but strength based on faith. Still hurts... a lot and most likely always will but what we have had in the past was worth fighting for... particually for the children. The point I am trying to make here is outside of safety even when I thought there was a point of no return I personally was able to work past that for intentional reasons. And only you are really able to know when enough is enough.

Boundaries are most important.

For us despite the initial push back and tantrums this has made a positive change for us. 

Hope this helps. 

[Shaz51]

I am hearing you @Determined , @Former-Member , @Differentlife , @Faith-and-Hope , @Former-Member , @sharnie 

it is hard my friends

when my husband was just on anti depressants @sharnie years ago he would rant and rave how bad my family was and even commented and pulled me up on what i said and did

now that his depressants meds has been updated and he is on anti anxiety meds as well , he goes into his silence mood , which sometimes I think is worse to cope with as I don`t know if he is upset with me , the family , or all

my husband has cancelled all help

does your husband have a hobby @sharnie xx

and do you take time for you -- I know this is hard -- I still can`t find a good balance with it all but

I love making a cuppa and going outside to read a book , even though my mr shaz is looking around to see where i am and then comes and joins me -- ammmmmm

[Former-Member]

@Faith-and-Hope - I get that some people dont really know how to behave any other way. And yes, often after a situation as I described above occurs, I will become very quiet and only be around when I have to be. Given I am his carer, and he is unwell, that only provides a limited amount of respite. But yes, it becomes the very basic interaction. There have also been times I left the home for a couple of hours in the car just to get away and not allow things to escalate into a physical thing.

@Differentlife - you make some very good points to @sharnie about boundaries and whether they are realistic or achievable, or even worth it. Thanks.

@Determined - Thank you, yes your post is helpful and I appreciate your perspective. Yes you could say that I am going through a bumpy time right now. Not sure if you are aware, but I have a personal MH diagnosis (PTSD) which I struggle with daily and see a psych for. A part of the boundaries which were crossed by my partner, impacted my PTSD symptoms. So thats hard for me, and puts me in a position where I am unsure if I am thinking rationally any more. So yeah, having other peoples viewpoint does definitely help. Yes I fully agree that if your childrens safety were ever impacted, that would definitely be a point of no return. I could not agree more. Although we do not have young children, with my step kids being adults with children of their own. So that doesnt apply to me personally. I can relate to a prior situation in our relationship. When we married, it never entered my head that my partner would ever be unfaithful. Had I considered it a possibility, I suspect I would have said that it would result in an instant 'I'm outta here. And yet, when it happened, I stayed. The first time I was aware of him cheating on me, was when he sheepishly came home and told me I needed to see my GP to have some tests. Turned out he had managed to pick up an STD during one of his 'overseas with the boys' jaunts. That was a real shock to me, and I was so terribly hurt and furious. Incidentally it turned out I had not picked up his STD. And yet he still continues to deny his affair, saying it was clearly an error in testing. Because how could he possibly have an STD, if I didnt? Ummm, yeah sure. Anyway, I found positive proof afterwards of his affairs when he mistakenly left his email open where I saw an email to the poor girl overseas where he urged her to get tested too, because he had picked up something from her. He still denies it until this day, and it was some 14 years ago now. I know there have been other occasions since then as well. Not that he has told me ... but I know. And he knows I know, just wont admit it. Anyway ... I stayed that first time, thinking it was a one-off thing, that it wouldnt happen again. But like I said ... it did. And I think continued right up until he became very ill 2 years ago. In the end, I just turned a blind eye to it all. It was all too hard to do anything about it. And it was just HIM at the end of the day. He felt it was his right and it matched his carefree former military days. Marriage changed nothing as far as he was concerned. He felt entitled to have it all .. cake and eat it too. All a part of his narcissistic tendencies I suppose. Mind you ... it still hurts .. a lot. I totally agree that boundaries are important. But I can also see that from personal experience, and your past experience also, that sometimes that line in the sand will change somewhat. I guess it depends on what is important at the time, and that is likely to be an ever changing thing. Right now, my place is to care for my very unwell husband. Thats what I signed up for and thats what I'll probably continue to do.

@Shaz51 - I tend to agree with you that 'the silent treatment' can be far more difficult to put up with than a solid 'rant and rave'. At least the rant and rave is usually over and done with fairly quickly, and you get to know exactly what the issue is all about. Thrash it all out and let it be. There are times I simply need to get away from everyone, and I too will often take a book and a cuppa and find a quiet place somewhere on my own. I'm lucky that we have enough space here that I can find a quiet place where I will not be interupted. And of course I always take my little dog Holly with me. She is such a delightful little girl, and helps to calm me when times are tough.

Sherry

[Shaz51]

yes @Former-Member , I do miss my adorable Tara nealy every day xoxo,

[Former-Member]

@Shaz51  💕 🐶