Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[MelissaKim]

Very happy to have found this space. I'm 40 y/o and trying to stay healthy and happy while knowing my brother (37) is going through a rough time. He's couch surfing, paranoid, on and off meth, jobless, been in prison for drug dealing (10 years ago) and currently not really connected with anyone else in the family.

We had a great upbringing but were exposed to a tough parental divorce when we were teenagers - he took drugs to cope and I became the introverted nerdy type. I developed depression back then but now manage it well and have a good support system in place. 

Sometimes I am get so racked with anxiety thinking about him. I give him lots of help. I've given him money in the past but now there's always strong conditions attached to it (pay me back, work for it, etc) or I buy him groceries. I've tried to connect him to services and supports but nothing seems to stick. He seems to self-sabotage opportunities.

For a while he was convinced there were bugs crawling under his skin (classic paranoid delusion) but now he's convinced himself that people are after him in a more sophisticated technological way (gang stalking). It's so exhausting trying to be supportive. He'll throw away perfectly good phones and constantly change his number. If anything bad happens to him, it's because these people are organising against him online. 

He goes for days on end without letting me know he's okay. I feel so alone when this happens. I fret that I'll get 'that' call, but also know he's just having fun and spending time with a new girlfriend.

Sometimes I get angry with my other family members for not doing more, but I guess everyone just gets to the stage where they have to draw a line and decide on their own boundaries and I have to respect that.

The thing I struggle with is that when I do take time out and spend a morning with him chatting and letting him speak without judging him, I do noticed improvements... 

I know there's no easy answers... I'll just keep giving what I can, when I can...

It's super helpful to see the other comments here and already feel a bit less alone seeing that others are navigating similar situations. 

[hanami]

Hi @MelissaKim 

Welcome to the forums, I'm so glad you found us. Sounds like it's pretty rough on you and your family right now. Yep there are lots of others around in similar situations. Which is not good but it's comforting to find out you're not alone. 

Looking forward to seeing you around

Hanami

[Valiant83]

What a journey you’re on … *big hugs* to help with the loneliness … it is tough to be the only one reaching out and responding to a family member who is struggling!

Really encourage you to find ways to take care of yourself in the midst of your brother’s pain … it helps me deal with my son’s selfishness when he’s unwell 💜

[MelissaKim]

Thanks @Valiant83 I really appreciate your words. They've made me feel lighter. And it's helpful to consider it as a 'journey' too - thank you for that. It's like, I imagine and hope for a resolution of sorts, but what does that even mean? Better to think of it as a journey.

[tyme]

Hey @MelissaKim ,

Sorry to hear how stressful this situation must be for you. It sounds like he is doing what he can to get by.

At the moment, I am helping someone in a similar situation. He wants to be clean, and when he came off drugs, he began having delusional paranoia and was very jittery and agitated. Since then, he started medication to help take the angst away. He is in a much better place - and this has only been in the last few weeks.

I've allowed him to rent one of my properties and given strict orders as part of the rental agreement. Not to take away his freedom, but to help him recover e.g. users cannot come to the house (including his own mother). I've kept the rent really low just so he can learn to stand on his own two feet.

Someone has helped him get a pick and pack factory job and he will start in the days/weeks to come. 

Whatever you are putting in place sounds like you are doing the right thing. Setting those boundaries so that he must pay you back is a start. If anything, getting the groceries is even better. 

Unfortunately, there is so much temptation for users out there. 

Why I had such a heart for this young chap when I heard his story is because my brother in law was also a user. He is the most lovely person, yet because of this circumstances, he turned to drugs. It is now life-long that he takes anti-psychotics. However, it this is going to keep him well, functioning, keep a job and father his three children, then it's worth it.

It IS possible @MelissaKim . Just keep going.

[Blackbird11]

Hi @MelissaKim 

Welcome to the forums, so glad you found us here. Thank you for your courage to tell your story. It isn't easy and so challenging at times. Have read our resources for family, friends and carers...Families, friends & carers (sane.org)

Sounds like there is hope, when you invest in Him, He is responsive and engaging. That's a great start. You are important too, look after you first.

[MelissaKim]

Thanks Tyme, appreciate you taking the time to respond. I have recommended my brother try going on some medication. I think underlaying all of this is probably undiagnosed ADHD or autism - he's an extremely creative person, very intelligent, but totally marches to the beat of his own drum.
Sounds like the person you're helping is showing improvements. Thanks for sharing some details about how you go about helping them. It's useful to know what other people are doing. Take care.

[MelissaKim]

Thanks Blackbird11. It's a tricky balance - knowing how much to give and in what ways will be most supportive and empowering. Thanks for taking the time to reply. Appreciate it.

[MelissaKim]

Thanks Hanami, it is really nice to know this place exists and so many people have similar experiences and insight. Appreciate you replying to me.

[cherryblossom8]

Hi @MelissaKim,

Thank you for sharing your story and welcome to our community. We are all here to help, so good on you for reaching out. I'm very sorry to hear about your brother's predicament. It's very sad for him to be in a situation where bridges have been burnt with family members. He must be very grateful to have a sister who cares for him deeply. I completely understand how his mental health is linked with substance abuse. Unfortunately, my husband had very similar paranoid delusions before his 2 severe psychotic episodes. He did very similar things during this time like throwing his phone in the river, as he was convinced his phone was monitored by the police. These delusions seem to get set off when he suddenly stops smoking cannabis (after heavy use). I suspect it might be a possibility that your brother has also used cannabis in the past. Unfortunately for men, the statistics show that heavy cannabis use in teenage years up to the age of 24 multiplies your chances of developing psychosis in later years by a lot. 

So, my advice to you would be to make your brother aware of these links between drug use and his health and to see if he might be willing to speak with a drug counselling service or community mental health centre, they might be able to put him in touch with a peer support worker. This could help him start a conversation and make him start making positive goals for himself. But, the more positive connections the better, so what you're doing with him by engaging dialogue is critical. Try and not be so anxious and give yourself a break. He's the only one who can drive the change when he's ready. 

Keep being an awesome sister and let us know how your brother is going. Keep staying in touch and look after yourself 🙂