Lived Experience Forum

[Ausgirl]

Hi there,

So, it's a big step for me to log on here- I have been thinking about doing it for a while but never had the 'guts' actually to do it.

I suffer from multiple diagnoses, (C-PTSD; BPD; ED) and after recently having another hospital admission first to the med ward and then in psych, I got to a point where I decided that perhaps it was time to start to look at recovery. Now, however, I'm not so sure whether I truly want that and it's like living in a nightmare... The constant "toing and froing".... being scared of getting the supports in place that the hospital wanted on discharge... dealing with the ED voices telling me that I should start restricting again and that I'm not worthy of recovery... falling off the wagon and bingeing...

I don't know whether I can take this.  Recovery is a bitch!!!

[Christheart]

Hi @Ausgirl 

It's great to have you on the forums, welcome. 

Recovery is always the best option, even if it seems impossible. Keep that little bit of hope alive that recovery is possible. 

Christheart 

[Jynx]

Hey @Ausgirl welcome to the forums! I'm one of the moderators, just popping by to welcome you and to say whoooo boy I can relate! Recovery is a gnarly journey, full of all sorts of twists and turns. But I hear that you are determined and doing some awesome stuff to try to break those old habits that are no longer serving you. 

You are totally worthy of recovery! And it is really awesome to join a community like this one, who can remind you of that fact for those times when it becomes hard to believe. 

You can always tag the online moderator if you're in need of some extra support by typing the @ symbol then typing moderator and selecting it from the dropdown list so you get this - @moderator 

Hope you find what you're looking for here 💜

[DefGif]

@Ausgirl Hi, it's nice to meet you!  That sounds like a really difficult place.  I totally get that you'd resist the restrictions placed on you in terms of treatment and recovery.  I think it's often easier to do what we're used to: there's something comforting about staying where you are.  And change is really difficult and takes a lot of energy, and sometimes it feels like it's not even possible, anyway.  I guess the thing is that staying where you are is really tiring, too.  I'm probably older than you and I can say that as you go on it also gets harder to keep going without feeling some kind of hope.  I think it's great that you reached out and talked a bit about how you're feeling.  

I hope that you can hang on to that feeling that maybe things will get a bit better 🙂

[Ausgirl]

Thanks for that, @DefGif  I appreciate it. I've been dealing with these demons for 24 years, so unfortunately it's not my first rodeo...  Things have been particularly hard though the last two years.

@Jynx got any suggestions on what to do when 'the voice' gets out of control, takes over and you self-sabotage? 😞 😭

[Jynx]

@Ausgirl  Have you got a lil pile of coping tools in your tool belt? Or are we talking it's too late to use those and you're in a spot where you need aftercare? 

I think in terms of both, one thing to keep reminding yourself of is that this is a process, a journey, and will take time. A lapse is not a failure, it is part of it. Maybe this time you didn't go as far, and that is progress. Maybe this time you didn't get as angry at yourself afterwards, and that is progress. Maybe it was as bad as it always is, but you tell yourself you will try again tomorrow. Still progress.

You cannot shame yourself into a better version of you - this was one of the hardest lessons I ever learned my own self, because we can get into thinking habits that become so deeply ingrained that it's hard to separate ourselves from them. So practicing acceptance and self-forgiveness and self-compassion are super important. 

Hope this helps. Be gentle with yourself 💜

[Ausgirl]

@Jynx I'm ok at the moment, just looking for other things to add to the toolbox as I've got a big couple of days coming up (going back under the care of my former GP- had a massive fall out after she wanted me admitted in Feb so I told her where to go- self sabotage- 🤦‍♀️🥴😬- she'll be "keeping tabs" alongside my case manager) so I'm scared on seeing them again on Tuesday. Also scared because of how cm is now also working alongside them that I can't really be honest on how I'm really doing mentally- in case "it's too much". 

You mentioned acceptance- I did ACT last year, and compared to both CBT & DBT found it to be the most useful. However, the hard part is the "doing" it when triggered (which is so easy with the BPD & C-PTSD🤦‍♀️😔🤬) as "ignoring it" is so much easier (and more comfortable) to deal with. 

Anyway, I just wanted to respond before heading off to bed. 

[Jynx]

Thanks @Ausgirl  - hope you can get some rest 💜

Definitely relate on the difficulty in enacting the coping tools when triggered. Something that helped me was to remember that trauma is habit-forming, because we find safety in what is familiar - even when that familiar thing is no longer serving us. So sometimes the hardest thing is to engage in unfamiliar, helpful behaviours when heightened. Like any skill, it takes practice - but the more we do it, the more familiar it then becomes. 

All the best on your journey 🤞

[NatureLover]

Hi and welcome, @Ausgirl ! Well done for being brave enough to join the forums 🙂

You do have some challenging things to deal with. I wonder if you'd be interested in this thread? The Butterfly Room - ED support 

I'm also going to tag @BPDSurvivor  for their great insights. 

You can also type any topic into the Search bar above for threads on that topic. 

I hope you find the forums supportive!

[Ausgirl]

Thanks for the link, @NatureLover I'll check it out.