Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[KogaNuwati]

Hello All,

My wife has severe depression and anxiety and I am looking for advice on how to best support her. She is a fiercely independent intelligent woman who does not usually want others to do things for her or relunctant to try something she believes will not help or make a difference. I really struggle becuse I don't natually show alot of empathy and am inclined to look for things that will make her feel better. I have difficulty talking to her about her feelings becuase the anxiety and depression was exacerbated by my actions around 6 years ago when I had an affair while we were seperated. Although we have talked through these issues many times it seems that she needs to reopen the wounds on a regular basis. 

We have been to marriage counselling immeidately afterwards and that was helpful. She (and I) has also attended a few psychologist appointments but feel that after telling her 'story' they can not offer any more insight than she already has. She has gone off anti-depressants believing they are ineffective.

She has developed a neurological problem within the past year that the medicos can not seem to diagnose. 

We have talked about how I could best support her but either I don't really understand or the type of support she needs changes over time and I miss the cues. I am at a loss as how to best support her so she feels supported and gets the help she needs. 

Really struggling here, any advice appreicated.

Koga

[Triquetra]

Hi Koga,

Your story sounds so similar to myself and my husband. We also had marriage counselling for the same reason 5 years ago, and it was great for mediation. If you're both struggling to communicate right now, maybe you need to revisit the marriage counselling idea? It can't hurt.

[Snowbird]

Hey Koga,
I have a thought which l thought might be worth sharing, what you think might be the best way to support a parter might not be. I found this in my own experiences where my instinct to support via prompting coping strategies etc were misplaced because when my partner was experiencing depression what he needed most was his feelings to be validated. If you can determine what it is your wife needs and will respond to well, that could be worthwhile?
Wish you both the best for getting through it

[TideisTurning]

Hi @KogaNuwati, 

Similar to your wife from the sounds, I'm someone who likes to be as independent as I possibly can. For me, that means people asking whether I need any help and allowing me to direct/ guide them a little as far as what help to give, if any. They're of the most help to me when they let me lead/ direct it.

Having said that, I can sometimes be quite stubborn about wanting to do it all for myself. In those cases, it can sometimes help me if the person gives me suggestions on how they might be able to helpme. Something like 'hey, that looks hard, would you like me to...' or 'could I...' for example. Going gently can sometimes be the easiest way in. When people do that for me, it shows me they're there and willing to help me, which makes me more likely to approach them ifever I could use a little help. It opens the dialogue and then by continuing to be there for me, they keep the dialogue open. 

[Former-Member]

Hi @KogaNuwati, I hear you, it sounds like a challenging situation you're navigating

I can see you're a caring and thoughtful partner given you want to be able to support your wife- and proactive, too, in trying to seek help and advice. These are great qualities 🌻

This resource might be helpful for you; there are details towards the bottom for contacting our Help Centre. Maybe speaking with one of our counsellors might be helpful in coming up with some ideas/options?