Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[NikNik]

Hi All,

"Why do you stay?" a common question asked by friends, family and professionals.

This week's Topic Tuesday, we heard from the experts (forum members!) on some of the positives of caring for someone and some of the strategies they use to maintain a positive relationship with the person you care for.

[CherryBomb]

Hi all! 

Welcome to tonight's Topic Tuesday. This is an issue that I've seen on the forums pop up a few times.

To get the conversation started I thought I'd ask if anyone has every been asked this question - why do you stay? - or perhaps it's something that you've asked yourself before? 

Any thoughts @justusmumo @Used2Be  @MrsC

[Snoo]

Touch question CB!

I've both asked myself and been asked by friends. When my friends and family see me down because of relationship issues, they can't help but worry but they don't really understand what MI is about. And I've also had moments when I've questioned why I stay. I think it's a common reaction when things get hard: To ask yourself, if you can carry on like this or if should you leave. In the end though, I always end up staying. Love is what keeps me there. My partner is an amazing person! 

[Eagle]

It's an interesting question...

It's funny..... when you hear it from a professional, it seems so rude! But sometimes if a close friend asks, it makes you think.

"Unconditional love" is what first comes to mind, but then a cringe, because that could mean I'm throwing away my boundaries - I don't want to be with someone who just treats me however they want... so in a way it is "conditional"

I don't know where I'm going with this...

[JT]

I've been asked many times though more why do you put up with it, why don't you kick him out as the person I care for is my son and the question was asked between the ages of 8 and 13.  

On a side note I often mutter WTF am I doing here 😉

[JT]

I think even unconditional love has boundaries which may be a condition but everyone has limits if you get what I mean.

[CherryBomb]

Thanks Snoo, Eagle, and JT,

Yes, loving others is a beautiful, and it is indeed a bit about finding balance.

How do you also love yourself? What boundaries do you have to ensure that you care and love you too?

[Eagle]

@Cazziestarted a similar discussion about this in here - I wonder if she's online tonight?

[JT]

I did facilitator training for Wellways and found that invaluable.  Until then I saw my son as a whole but as I went on the training others, we need to separate the person we care for from the illness.  It changed my thinking and allowed me to focus more on what he needed and what I needed.  

The best thing I learned was the ability to stand back and say no, I'm not dealing with that now I'm walking away.

[CherryBomb]

JT, that sounds like it was big change for you! 

How has it changed your relationship with your son?