Lived Experience Forum

[Shasan]

Hi, I'm faced with many old ruminations of traumatic job situations - horrible bosses, their abusive behaviour, narcissistic manipulation, struggling with anxiety and depression and so scared to go to HR or even use employee assistance programs. 

Their words, treatment and behaviour keeps coming back to me and I don't know what to do. It's stopping me from moving on and living my life. I can still feel a lot of anger for those people and companies. 

I feel so used, misunderstood and mistreated. I had so much burden on me that no one was willing to help with even when I asked. I crippled under the pressure and burnt out badly..

It's been 2 years and my health is much better now after quitting. I'm dealing with the mental health effects still and feel very anxious to start looking for any other jobs. 

I'm feeling very depressed and hopeless and don't know what to do. I was bullied and manipulated and it's really hurt my self-esteem coz I didn't stand up to it or get out soon enough. I let them do this to me type of a story. There's a lot of guilt, shame and embarassment..

I just want to feel healthy again and have faith that there are good companies and people out there. It feels catastrophic like everyone's bullies in the corporate sector. 

I feel strength-less to take on the challenges ahead of me and I'm still in my 30s and need to save up for my retirement etc.

[Flying_Hams]

Hi @Shasan

Unfortunately I can relate to this topic rather well.

This part in particular: "Their words, treatment and behaviour keeps coming back to me and I don't know what to do. It's stopping me from moving on and living my life. I can still feel a lot of anger for those people and companies."

I feel this. This was the case for me in my old job. I had to take a month off. It was a government job so I was able to take a month without pay.

I raised the issue with my manager. They did all what was required of them as we would expect. But of course rumours spread like wildfire in that environment. It was a disgrace nothing short of it. All sorts of toxic behaviours in that workplace..

I get the sense from what you posted that 2 things for you. There is a sense of urgency you feel (you mentioned being in your 30s) and you also mentioned wanting to go back into the workforce.

How do you think you could look forward to the next stage of your life in regards to work? By look forward I don't mean "Feel good" - what I mean is look into the future and see what there is for you?

Sometimes urgency makes it harder for us to do things and can actually provoke us into acting.

What expectations are there for you do you think?

[tyme]

Hi @Shasan ,

So good to hear from you after a long time. I hear what you are saying about working for certain organisations. 

Without divulging the name of the organisation, I have also experienced what you have in the past. It was a sad situation because I went in loving my job and by the end, it was only about the money. The passion I had for my work was crushed. I never thought I would stay in a job purely for the money, but as you say, we need to think about retirement etc.

So sad as it is, it does happen. I tried to make changes, but when the head has a different 'vision', the workplace welfare is 'just enough' to cover their backs - and no more.

I guess there's two options:

1) stay there for the $$$ and do what you have to and no more.

2) move onto another job - if you can find one you love and it can sustain you for what you need.

Such is life @Shasan . I really don't know what else I can offer. But ultimately, if you don't look after yourself, no one will.

tyme

[Shasan]

Thank you @tyme @Flying_Hams 

I appreciate you both willing to go back to those memories for me, I know it's not easy and it's something we all wish didn't happen.

Sorry to hear about what you went through, it's so difficult to get over these things. Bullying is so real but just more subtle in adulthood. I wish such ppl were held responsible and were accounted for.

I quit my job 2 years ago and have been working on my own business. It's not easy to dedicate all my energy without any certainty for income or clients but I've committed to giving it my best before I let this go - It's sort of become like a crutch and I'm adding too much pressure on myself to make it work. But U learn everyday that outcomes are not in my control, I can only control what I put into it. It's really really hard. 

I've been considering a part-time job and need to look at organisations that are better known for their workplace environment but nothing can guarantee horrible managers don't exist, at least they'll be curtailed and not reigning. I'm thinking of jobs that are meaningful as I need something purpose driven. Maybe NGOs.

Is there any platform where NGOs advertise jobs or is it the usual seek, LinkedIn and the like? 

I'm going this for my depression mostly. I need to get into a routine and make some income on a few days until my business ramps up. I feel so wasted otherwise. 

[Shasan]

I spoke with a therapist about feeling blue too - It's a lot of expectations I'm putting on myself and I don't know how to turn these into small, realistic goals. 

She told me mood follows action, not always the other way around. So I'm more motivated to give it a try now and just act anyway, even though I'm not feeling my best. 

Depression sucks and it's making my anxiety worse, both are mild but still pests. I've learnt how to live with anxiety but living and managing both feels like a Herculean task and it just depresses me further that this is happening to me and I don't have the strength to accept it.

I'm so sorry for being a bummer, I hope this doesn't affect your energy levels. I don't know if I can live with depression forever, it seems impossible in the moment but I know i can. I'm not ready to give up but it's so hard!  😞 

@tyme Thank you for checking in. I hadn't logged in for a while but I need to remember to log in because the support here is so incredible. 

[hanami]

Hi @Shasan 

Sorry to hear about your past experience with workplace bullying. There is a job site called Ethical Jobs https://www.ethicaljobs.com.au/ that may be of some help. Still no guarantee the people will be nice! I don't think there can every be any guarantee. I've had a couple of goes at starting my own business and it's not easy! You have to be so motivated and on the ball, going going going. I can relate to your struggles!

I hope something comes up for you soon,

sending hugs

Hanami 

[FloatingFeather]

Hi @Shasan,

I'm sorry to read what you have gone through with your past job. It's so sad that an organisation can cause so much damage to someone. It's sounds like they really chipped away at your self esteem overtime. No job should make a person traumatised.

I hear what you are saying, it must of been so hard and you must of felt so alone. Don't be hard on yourself about not standing up for yourself or leaving sooner. From my experience, often when we are going through a traumatic situation we may not realise the depths of what is happening and/or we are just trying to survive what is going on. I think it's very understandable that at the time you didn't stand up for yourself like you may have wanted. 

It sounds like you have come a long way in the two years since you quit. I'm glad to read that your health is a lot better now.

Maybe you could start out small? For example, just sending your CV to a couple of jobs that interest you, build up to an interview etc. I feel like you have really lost your confidence (which is understandable). I really feel once you get another job, where you are respected and feel validated you will thrive and it will help you put the past position behind in some ways. Do you still want to work in the corporate world? I worked in it for more than 25 years and I have since changed fields and am a lot happier for it.

I wish you all the best - I think once you get your confidence back and get a new job you will fly!

Best wishes,

FloatingFeather

[Shasan]

@FloatingFeather 

That made me cry - thank you for taking your valuable time to validate my experience. I could not have said it better and you've been able to really reflect what I went through so well. 100% jab to self-esteem and confidence which I'd never realised until now!! I mean, I'm confident about my skills but emotionally and mentally, I think I believe I can't sustain a job anymore or work with colleagues and bosses. I definitely have lost a lot of confidence in feeding like I can manage conflict well or push back on bullies - I'm so sad for myself right now as I realise the true extent to which this traumatic experience affected me!!! 

No wonder I feel so angry when I look at old bullies/ colleagues getting promoted, on office events having a good time. I've always felt angry that they made me live without a job but they would sound so absurd because I left on my own terms. But I can clearly see why I hold them so responsible - The experience has truly changed me and reduced me. Very classic for working with narcissists... 

Mind-blowing but excited that I can now work on trauma from those specific Ppl. I used to always think why Am I still hung up on those experiences it's been so many years - and you've just handed me a torch!!!!!!!

I can't tell you how grateful I am to you for your time. You've changed a life today and I'm already feeling better knowing that it's my trauma and not me - I can overcome the trauma and find my real self again. Overjoyed!!!!

👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

[Shasan]

@hanami Thank you for your link. Exactly what I was after!! To quote Rumi - Hope what I'm seeking is seeking me 😊

Thank you. 

@FloatingFeather Wow, 25 years is awesome. I've worked only 15 and over never felt happy there. I was good at what I did but was struggling with anxiety, anger, stress and loneliness. I've started my own business now that I love but it's nowhere near generating a decent income yet. I am keen to look at jobs outside the corporate sector - physically can't make myself to go back. I'm in the research phase now to find jobs with a purpose as I love helping and training. If you've found job types in your research when changing over from corporate,I would do very much appreciate that!! 

[FloatingFeather]

Thank you for your kind words @Shasan. I'm glad I could help a little. Our forums are such a great place to find support with many members and peer support workers who are so supportive and can offer some wise words. We are lucky to have such a safe space we can share and talk.

It took me a while to find what I really wanted to do. I tried to think more about what would make me happy and fulfilled when it came to a job (although of course I we all need to still pay the bills). I think if you are more guided by your instincts, like when you mention finding "jobs with a purpose as I love helping and training" you may be half way to identifying what is the next best job for you 🙂

Best wishes to you and please keep us posted as to how you are going.

FloatingFeather