Lived Experience Forum

[BlueBay]

I am a good person 

I do try 

things get in the way 

hubby being very quiet with me because of my brhsviour 

I'm very irrational at the moment 

need to be alone to think 

I csnt make decisions like this 

I can't wait to see my psych this Wednesday 

@Emelia8 im Sorry to worry you. You have so much on your mind. I'm going to csll my doctor tomorrow. 
@Sphinxly thanks for email. I'm here but struggling.

[Owlunar]

Hi @BlueBay 

You have a lot going on right now - it's actually really normal to have an emotional bad patch after any kind of sedation - it's has happened to me - I understand how crappy you feel but there is no need to feel so bad about yourself - it happens

You are a worthy person - I did read what you wrote on the Worry Room thread and I am sorry your life seems so bleak but it is not your fault that life "gets in the way" - life does

Give yourself a break - I am sure you would give other people a break if they felt so stirred up after the tests you had done - if you are feeling icky and scratchy inside get a book or your music and go lie on your bed and take time out

You deserve this self-care - we all do

Dec

Btw - I posted this for @MDT  today - maybe it will work for you too

These are the days to put ourselves first

[BlueBay]

Hi @Owlunar @Emelia8 @BPDSurvivor @Maggie @MDT @Shaz51 and others following: - 

I got my biopsy results today - all good.  I need to see my gastroenterologist in two months time for another review. He said if I get another attack of diverticulitis or pancreas pain then go straight to hospital and he'll see me there.

Took little A to the park at the end of my street and the dog for a run.  My D and I took A to the beach and park for chips for lunch.  it's a nice day here.

I'm angry at work - my normal shifts that i have worked for many months now are monday, wed and fri.  but when i was in hospital in early December they messaged me to say i no longer have fri shift.  no explanation.  yesterday i saw that my name is off the monday shift for labour day and easter monday.  no explanation.  i know they can do this because i am only a casual (which is why i hate being a casual). but it would have been nice to be told and not see it on facebook.  i made a mention of noticing i am not working on those days and said i am available.  i asked why am i not on roster.  no one has replied.  i really hate this place, the organisation is terrible.  rosters are put on facebook which i think is stupid.

i am seeing my psych tomorrow at 12 noon; i can't wait to tell him what's going on with work and my mum.  he doesn't know.  i have a feeling he will offer respite in hospital.  the way i feel right now - it would be a good idea.

i spoke to my sister this morning and she said that mum is very cold and rude towards her.  i said to my sister that i will not call her again.  she needs to understand that she was the one that verbally abused me with crap over the phone.  i did nothing wrong.

i chatted online last night with Sane Counsellor, i seem to get the same person most of the times; which is really good. It was suggested that I write a letter to my parents to see if that helps with my anger; let it all out.  It would be good but i don't think i could write it at home with everyone around.  i need to be alone, to write it; cry and let it all out. and i need to be somewhere safe. 

thinking of you all; sorry if i haven't replied in your own posts.  i struggle sometimes to keep up to date with everything going on. xxxx

@Shaz51  - hope you're safe up north with the cyclone xx

[MDT]

@BlueBay
Happy to hear the biopsy results were good.

I am feeling a bit low atm.

Hope your work stuff is sorted. Found out ill be in a different section tomorrow but oh well. Temporary at least.

Take care my friend and weare always here to support you

[BlueBay]

Not feeling good tonight 

lots of snger 

wanting to lash out

punch

hit out

easier to SH

my psych has no idea 

@MDT @Owlunar @Emelia8 @BPDSurvivor @Maggie @Shaz51  

@BPDSurvivor my stupid psych tells me over and over I need DBT. I've told him I cannot afford it. He is so pushy znd is not listening.  I have no money to do this therapy. 
I hate BPD!!!!!!   I'm emotional zngry at him. 
He belittled me today like I'm some stupid little girl. He has no idea what it's like to have BPD or be abused as a child. He has no empathy.

[Radius]

Hi @BlueBay ,
Sounds like a really tough time having to sit with so much anger and hurt. I know you said sometimes it is easier to SH but please reach out if you need to, to one of the crisis service. 
You don't deserve to take that anger out on yourself, 
Please be safe and take care.

Thinking of you,

Radius 

[BlueBay]

@MDT @Owlunar @Emelia8 @BPDSurvivor @Shaz51 @Maggie and others reading

I need to vent and get this out - 

A letter to my parents:

Dear Mum and Dad

I am hurting so much that you have no idea.  Mum, you hurt me all the time.  I crave for you to love me, hug me, nurture me, apologise to me - but all i get is punishment after punishment.  Pain after pain. I get nothing in return from you.  You are a very lonely person, a sad, angry person for whatever reason I will never know.  You then take your anger, and hurtful actions/words out on me. Why? what the hell have i done wrong to deserve this kind of behaviour? why? are you angry becasue i told you i was sexually abused as a child? are yoiu angry because you have known all along and was hoping it would never be mentioned; or that i would never remember. Well I did remember, very very clearly what happned to me and yet you couldn't even protect me.  You didn't even keep those horrible guys away from me.  You have shown me no remorse, no sorrow, no empathy towards me.  I was a child, a 9 year old girl who was taken advantage of.  How, why??

why didn't you stop it? how could you just let it keep going?

All these years you have 'controlled' me; and i was the vulnerable one always doing what you say.  Always wanting to please you so i could be 'the good girl/ daughter'.  

i know you hate me because of my memories of the abuse.  you think i have 'ruined the family', 'split it up' - all because of ME.  

Dad - where were you when i needed you the most? why can't you stand up to her.  why can't you blieve me just for once.  why can't you just put your arms around me and protect me. just once. im begging you to just protgect me. 

but you didn't.  you weren't there when it happned.

well now i know you both hate me. you both think i am the 'mad one' the one with all the mental issues.   i wonder what you know of the last fight with mum; i wonder what mum told you.  oh she's probably told you that it's my fault; that i told her to get f...d and hung up on her.  what do you know Dad?

all i ever wanted was to be loved, and not treated different - just because of my mental illness and because of my childhood abuse.  something that you both still, to this day, have not validated or given me any empathy at all.  not even 'i am sorry this happened to yoiu'.  oh no, let's just sweep it under the mat and forget it ever happened.

why? it happened, i know it did.  i see it everyday in my mind.  

anyway i don't care about you both - truth is i do.  you can both live the lonely miserable life you have together.  i am going to try very hard to move on with my own children and granddaughter. you don't even care about my kids.

what kind of parents are you?

*********

i really need to go away, i just want to be left alone forever and ever.  my life has been hell.  Grief, loss, pain, painful memories - it;s too much.

emotional and crying as i tried to write this letter; this was more to write - just not now. i can't 

[Daisydreamer]

Hi @BlueBay 

It's taken a huge amount of stength to put the words down in writing, and express the pain you are feeling each day from what happened to you as a child. Some members tell us that writing it down in letter form can be helpful in saying the words we want to say, that we haven't been able to before. How did you find putting the words down in writing? Did it bring any sense of relief for you?

I'm hearing how painful this is, and just how heavy the feelings are that you are sitting with right now. The SANE Helpline 1800 187 263 is here to listen to you, as are we, should you need someone to lean on today 💜

[Shaz51]

sending you lots of tender hugs my Sister @BlueBay 

sitting with you with all the different emotions you must be going through after writting it all down 

and you know you have turned this around as you have wonderful chidren and a beautiful grand daughter A

[BlueBay]

thanks @Daisydreamer @Shaz51 ❤️
I can't express my mixed emotions at the moment. It's just too painful 
sadness anger tears unloved hated 

I don't know why or how I wrote that letter 

it just came out 

I'm sorry for now I just want to hide away 

I am feeling so hated especially by my parents.