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Something’s not right

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Lost my wife to this in 2010...and was in for the long-haul to get her back. but she never came back, something else did, and didn't love me, care or wanted any connection to me. I tried for years and was taken to breaking point by this person who had no emotional response or action to my distress. She has been sectioned a few times now and our daughter (who is now 16) has seen it all in her mother and got services in to take her away. 
In short I had an 8 yr marriage of much happiness and then a descent into hell with someone who was not connected to me whatsover and no marriage at all for the next 8 yrs - emotional torture is a pretty accurate to what happened. I seperated 1 year ago and now explained that I want a divorce. 
I have money to give her that we had from 2010, when we were a couple....then my father up and died and in her Mania when our marriage did not exist (but my fathers  inheritance came to me). My wife wants half of this now, and I am torn, as she has not been involved for 8 yrs with me, lifted a finger or acted to save or heal any pain, ran from all doctors I set-up for her (or) fought with them. 
What are my legal rights here - I have quite some money to had over, but to hand over half to someone who has tortued your mind to make your existance worthess in life upsets me greatly. I do wish to hold money back for our daughter to go to University and to make an inheritance for her. 
I am not trying to be an arse here - its just half my marriage was with an absent partner and bipolar/mania destroyed the family, her and me in the end....what advice can be offered to me to make a peaceful resolution here and not go the lawyers route.
thanks in advance!



Hi @dar 


i am so so sorry to hear what a hard time of it you have had.  My husband has been very unwell for 9 years now, totally in denial, although with what I have been learning about eating disorders and personality disorders, I think these things were always present .... they just triggered to a far more destructive form.  The illness is like a chameleon.  He can alter behaviours and appearances to disguise pathological practices and the mindset driving them.  I hear you .....


If you check with your bank manager, you may be able to “lock down” finance for your daughter in a trust account.  The bank will also be quite familiar with what is legally required regarding finance where there is separation, divorce, and a diagnosis of mental illness involved.


I would encourage you to contact Relationships Australia

They will have advice and support facilities to assist you in how to move forward.


Please keep posting.  You are not alone.  This is a caring community where we support each other through the hard times, thick or thin.


@dar  Hi dar and welcome to the forums. Just quickly as I have to go son2 is up and about. I am bipolar and schizoaffective disorder and my marriage broke down because of many thing but primarly my diagnosis. I would say my ex husband now is very apologetic about not understanding my illness and wishes he could change what he did during the seperation and divorce.


Remember your exwife is ill and needs support. Don't give up on her as what is talking is the bipolar not her. Take care. greenpea


Hey @dar,


Isn't it incredible how differently we are all wired. I could never do that to someone, and take from something that I haven't contributed to. I guess we're all affected by our own life experiences. My father was financially abusive throughout my life, especially once I left home at 18. I dropped out of Uni twice cos I'd had it with his manipulations and cutting me off if I didn't call enough or visit enough or he was in one of his tantrums, I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't care what crummy job I had to do, as long as I wasn't answerable to him. I will never forget that feeling of freedom from him. That is one of the best feelings I have felt in my entire life. It drove him crazy that he didn't have something over me anymore. 


My 2 cents worth is I don't know you can possibly avoid it. The legal profession sucks. Any profession that charges in 6 minute blocks is suss to me. 


My Dad lost a lot of money before he died and once he did die the financial abuse now came from his sister, who tried to take it all including my mothers money. My siblings and I got zero, like none, like nada, from what was supposed to be our inheritance. It took us about 4 years of legal battle to secure Mums, but she did a runner with ours and the last we heard she just hasn't replied to the legal letters, sold up and left Sydney.  


I know it's not the same as a spouse, but I have a tiny bit of understanding. Your love for your parent is wrapped up in it, and maybe they did things that made you really, really proud of their achievements, and a part of you feels like you're destroying their legacy to a person that they never would have wanted to see you end up with. It just feels gross.


I'm pretty sure the family court makes you mediate now. All I can say if she has done this in your words "but to hand over half to someone who has tortured your mind to make your existence worthless in life upsets me greatly".......what makes you think she won't steal from her own daughter? 


Also she may have debts you don't know about, and if it's not formally taken care of they may boomerang back done the track.


Unfortunately matey I don't think you can avoid it. And for your daughters sake I would try and do it legally, because if she's capable of doing this to you and your family's legacy she's capable of stealing from her daughter.  


My Nana used to say that money is the root of all evil, but then I said to a mate once, money brings out another side in people when I was telling him about my aunt. And he replied, not it doesn't. It brings out the REAL side.


Don't forget that the law has to take into account, 'you're future needs' and your 'contribution', and you sound broken. I reckon your future needs are pretty damn high!


Take care


Corn Cents


disguising pathalogical practices! yes! you know my life.  I am lost. I hate this rabbit hole,  I am grieving the life I thought we had and angry that he won't take positive steps to own/ get some control over concurrent bipolar/alcoholism. his level of transference and blaming me tells me how severe his condition is but he won't accept the diagnosis. Your paragraph really resonated with me. I'm stuck in a nightmare and don't know what to do. thank you. 

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